Thursday 18 March 2010
Can you guess who this mystery doucheball is?
YES! It’s Dead Wife Man™ live and in person in the Best Buy® Rotunda at the Mall of America® on March 5th. And I was there!
I had no plans to go to MOA that day and had no idea that any (accent on) special events were scheduled or anything, but I was feeling unreasonably agitated and decided a long ride on the light rail was in order. It was like DWM was CALLING ME, which certainly explains the awful fidgety discomfort I experienced.
I tend to ignore whatever is happening in the rotunda when I get there, so it wasn’t until I’d already done a lap around the mall and skirted by on the second level that I spotted DWM’s cheesy mug smirking at me and I was like OH. YES. Even though my phone battery was at 1 percent, I wrestled to get the camera rolling as a curious young man in head-to-toe Enyce engaged me in conversation. Apparently I missed DWM performing. Oh what a tragedy.
Enyce: Who’s that down there? Is he anybody?
Me: He’s a horrible human being who lost on American Idol last year.
Enyce: Oh, but he got a record deal anyway. I see how it is. I don’t remember him.
Me: His whole thing was going on about how his wife died. That and LensCrafters®.
Enyce: He sounded pretty good when he was singing before …
Me: Don’t be fooled! His personality is disgusting.
I finally got a few pictures of the grandeur:
Look at that CROWD! I must remember that as long as AI and MOA remain a potent combination, I must bring my Flip with me at all times. I could’ve brought you the magic in HD motion!
Wednesday 24 February 2010
After careful consideration and soul-searching discussion with my family, clergypersons, imaginary friends etc., I have come to the realization that there is simply no way I can get involved in this year’s Idol. The reasons are many, and here are but a few:
1) Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown
This show is beyond help and hope, brain-dead and chewing off its own limbs in a vain bid to keep itself alive. I frankly cannot watch something that gross unless it’s fictional and has supercute boys in it.
2) It ain’t what you do, it’s the way you Abdul it
What is the point of living week to week without the blessing of whatever the hell kind of tinfoil flapper/Gunsmoke prostitute outfit Paula sees fit to squeeze her crazy cans into? THERE IS NO POINT, that’s what. Not to mention she’s impossible to top when it comes to freestyling on live TV (unless your name is Tracy Morgan).
3) The Ellenphant in the room, aka “cunning stunt (casting)“
I understand she has been known to “dance” to “the pop music” on her “TV show” and all, but someone please explain to me how the frig that qualifies her to sit in judgment of all the future Ham Panders and Dead Wife Mans of the world. Say what you will of the other panelists, Paula included, but at least they’re all somehow associated with hit singles. Ellen is just so, ugh, SQUARE. I don’t get it, and I don’t want to try.
4) December 21, 2012
Shit, bro, we all got better things to do before Earth’s gravitational pull is disrupted, sending us all flying into space screaming and exploding like one big wicked fucken fireworks display
5) Special Guest Judge Katy Perry
Need I say more? Need I say more.
I’ll miss my weekly doses of Simon’s sexy winks and Ryan being Ryan, but trust me, it’s better this way. For all of us.
Wednesday 13 January 2010
I couldn’t possibly be less excited about the advent of AI right now, but my last day of class is tomorrow (or today, rather) and I don’t have a job which means, um, I have nothing else to do. It’s time to be afraid, be very afraid. Mind, I’m far more afraid than you are!
Speaking of […]
Monday 05 October 2009
Yesterday was me and Chris’ sixth anniversary. Laugh along as I admit I thought it was actually five years and Chris corrected me since he took more math in college than I did. Yes, this really happened.
I sing this song for him every year at the karaōke night nearest our anniversary and last night […]
Monday 05 October 2009
My respiratory system is on fire, that is. I must have the consumption or the swine-bird or something similarly godawful and it won’t go away. I’ll be back in a sec, but in the meantime here’s a lovely dream of a man talking about how to make dirty movies. NSFW if you W for A-holes.
Tuesday 01 September 2009
First thing’s first: I really need to get over having a precisely and customly self-designed WordPress identity and just put up something that will just put things up, so it will be easier for me to put up with putting things up. It’s a deal! Although I’ll have to change this text face eventually. Too […]
Thursday 09 July 2009
Rather, James “Inspiration” Franco.
Thursday 09 July 2009
No hay banda. THERE IS NO BAND.
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