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You stay the hell away from me, Baby Dracula

I’m glad Halloween’s over. I’m not a big fan of it. I’m a fan of the con­cept, maybe, but the exe­cu­tion is lack­ing. Little kids in cos­tumes? Adorable. Adults in cos­tumes? Pointless. Parties full of peo­ple in cos­tumes? Disgusting. I don’t want to will­ingly sub­ject myself to a worst night­mare sit­u­a­tion that is cloaked in the pre­tense and false promise of Having Fun. It’s too much work even to come out look­ing like crap, whereas you can apply the same amount of work to look fab­u­lous and func­tional. I speak only the truth.
We bought five bags of candy, not being sure what the neigh­bor­hood turnout would be like, and we only got one door­bell at like 8:15. There were about six kids though, most of whom were appar­ently made up to look like the cast of Dead Presidents (so cute!) so I gave them tons of candy and prayed no one else would show up. We turned the lights out at 9. It was fun hav­ing a rea­son to turn our front porch light on, finally.
I think we prob­a­bly didn’t get peo­ple because a) we have like a ton of steps to get up to our house and peo­ple are lazy, and b) our land­lord down­stairs has a very large dog that would bark very loudly when human voices could be detected, so I guess that was a deter­rent. Also we didn’t have any dec­o­ra­tions up or any­thing, but you know, Halloween dec­o­ra­tions are use­less. I save all that energy up for Christmas. That trans­lates to two Hello Kitty LED mini-​trees and maybe, if we’re lucky, a string of lights. I spare no expense to catch the spirit.
Anyway, we’re now swim­ming in an excess of mini Hershey’s bars, Jolly Ranchers and Chewy SweeTarts (a.k.a. edi­ble, fruit-​flavored cocaine). We’ve got Reese’s PB cups too, but there’s no such thing as hav­ing too many of those.
I just real­ized today that this year will be the first year I’ve spent Thanksgiving with my fam­ily since 1987. Imagine that.

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