cinemas

In the Kingdom of the Blind (You Can’t Look Away)

As you may have heard, In the Kingdom of the Blind, the Man With One Eye Is King (1995) is quite sim­ply about the most retarded movie ever made, truly remark­able in the scope of its delight­ful inep­ti­tude. But oh, it is an elu­sive beast, one that must be caught by sur­prise and with­out fore­thought or pre­tense. It’s like a ghost that way. It haunts each of my very days. Boo!

Well, it took me long enough to fig­ure it out, but I’m happy to dis­cover that online resources have made entic­ing morsels of this taste sen­sa­tion avail­able to us all. Observe!

First, you cry the trailer:

Seriously. That’s the best they could make this movie look! My good Lord. Watching this today, I couldn’t help but be amazed at my skills of reten­tion in encap­su­lat­ing the man­i­fold won­ders that make this fil-​em so extraordinary.

By the way, isn’t our hero, Al, just the hottest? What a spicy piece of ass he is. His pop-​eyes, his Hutt-​like jaw­line … no won­der every­one is so envi­ous. I get the shiv­ers. Rrowr!

Also, with grat­i­tude due to the sad­ness and pathos of William Petersen fans every­where (such as, uh, me) the BIG AL VS. WILLIAM PETERSEN (THE ITALIAN) CONFRONTATION is avail­able in four sexy parts. (I actu­ally wrote “sexy par­ties” before cor­rect­ing myself. What’s wrong with me?!)

The one you can’t miss is Part 2, which brings us a mul­ti­tude of gifts. Thrill to Al’s pop-​eyed emot­ing! Sigh as William Petersen (The Italian) deliv­ers a lengthy solil­o­quy from The Book of Al Magic, even though he is foxy enough to know bet­ter and boy he sure must have been hard up for what­ever they were pay­ing him to be in this movie in the first place! And—best of all—bear wit­ness also the much her­alded cola-​as-​scotch show­down, which inspires William Petersen (The Italian) to pre­vi­ously unseen hammy heights!

Said it before, say it again: I love William Petersen.

In the midst of my swoon­ing, I was intrigued to dis­cover a related clip titled, quite elegantly,

William Petersen; great­est actor of our time.

And I was like, holy shit, for this movie? This I must see!

So yeah, it’s for the clip the takes us a blip for­ward from hammy scotch cola, after Streetcorner Dude gets killed off and William Petersen (The Italian) launches into his gigundo five-​minute mono­logue of crazy, full of curs­ing and delight­ful racial slurs, that ends with the immor­tal “and no one … is gonna be safe!” line, only I got a cou­ple of the words wrong and it’s actu­ally “nobody” sted “no one” but come on, how is your mem­ory sup­posed to fire that effi­ciently when you are left stunned and daz­zled by the Raw Emotion™ this man has laid out before you?

I quote our bene­fac­tor, “mick­ey­dou­gal,” in his accom­pa­ny­ing assess­ment of this cin­e­matic masterpiece:

This is a small clip from a rel­a­tively unheard of film from around 1995 called “In the Kingdom of the Blind the Man with One Eye is King.” It’s a cop/​mob movie and unfor­tu­nately, it didn’t make it very big at the box office. It was rel­a­tively low bud­get. It didn’t have buck­ets of blood or 20-​minute-​long gun bat­tles or epic car chases or much of any­thing that makes movies really huge.

But in my opin­ion, it is one of the best dra­matic movies ever. And this clip is one of the best cin­e­matic per­for­mances you will ever see. This is William Petersen (CSI) play­ing the part of Tony C. He is a mid level crime boss in NYC, and he has found out that the brother of his direct supe­rior has been mur­dered in his home. This scene is Tony C telling an old cop friend from his youth that he sus­pects the cop’s brother was in on the mur­der and how he plans to resolve the situation.

In mod­ern cin­ema, there are not many extended mono­logues. For one actor to have the stage for longer than thirty sec­onds is unusual in today’s attention-​deficit society.

But this per­for­mance is a 5 minute mono­logue. Petersen is absolutely bril­liant. The per­for­mance is riv­et­ing and incred­i­bly con­vinc­ing. He varies the emo­tion level over and over again, bring­ing it up and tak­ing it back down as he deliv­ers, until finally he reaches the cli­max of the scene, and then, with an ice-​cold glare, looks at Al, the cop, and says: “nobody is gonna be safe.” Chilling!

Buy this movie, rent this movie, steal this movie. You need to see this one! Enjoy!

True, all true. I applaud you. Well, maybe not for the “one of the best dra­matic movies ever” part, though I guess it all depends on your def­i­n­i­tion of drama.

For a palate cleanser (::drink:: ::swal­low:: ::ham face::), here’s hot young Billy being adorable while chas­ing hot young John Turturro through the L.A. airport.

Everybody wins!

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