Off y’go

Idol couldn’t pos­si­bly show up at a worse time in terms of my health, energy level, and over­all enthu­si­asm to do any­thing at all. But here is Season 8 on our col­lec­tive doorsteps, remind­ing us all of our mor­tal­ity as it keeps churn­ing on year after year, a spe­cial bonus agony to extend our post-​holiday depres­sion, just like the Super Bowl and the Royal Rumble. Another year of my life—poof, gone! Or maybe that’s just me. Another year, another soul-​crushing endurance test. (And it’s no pic­nic for the con­tes­tants, either—heyoo.)

These audi­tion shows are always super-​tedious. Quite frankly I’d pre­fer to skip them com­pletely. But this year, the ads led me to believe the audi­tion shows are less a point-​and-​laugh freak­fest and more a heart-​catching cel­e­bra­tion of youth, beauty, tal­ent, and hard-​luck sto­ries of con­tes­tants who believe Idol is their ticket to sav­ing the farm and feed­ing their fam­ily and shit. I real­ized I was mis­led when the open­ing mon­tage imme­di­ately trot­ted out any num­ber of “mem­o­rable” crack­pots, such as the cry­ing cow­boys, the Felonious Twins, fat dudes attempt­ing to dance like sexy ladies, fat ladies attempt­ing to look like sexy ladies, Mikalah Gordon and her enor­mous jugs, and Clay Aiken. Plus I am once again reminded Jordin Sparks actu­ally won this thing—I keep forgetting.

Before the abuse begins, though, we’re treated to an inspi­ra­tional quote by noted douchebag moti­va­tional speaker David Foster:

In life, the micro­phone passes your lips but once … you had bet­ter be ready to sing.

Passes your lips but once”? Please. Terrifying. Better to leave the dra­matic pro­nounce­ments to Ryan Seacrest:

The beauty of Idol is the jour­ney itself, and it’s a jour­ney we’re tak­ing together.

Oh bless, Ryan, how I’ve missed you in the Idol con­text. Extraordinary that his first “THIS … is American Idol” would be deliv­ered at the edge of a great life­less bar­ren fis­sure in the earth, which is to say the Grand Canyon. I like to think he planned that himself.

From the sweet young zestle­man with the hot JROTC tap moves (poor thing) to the cry­ing elderly man in his Izzy Stradlin cos­tume (do not try to con­vince me he is 27!!!) to the ringers (tat­tooed quirky girl, nurs­ing home sun­shine princess, fit­ness model slut), F this show already. God! I can already pick out the peo­ple who will grate on my nerves (sideways-​face-​girl singing “Dock of the Bay” comes to mind) and I can’t stand the thought of sit­ting through seven more audi­tion cities, espe­cially if this is the pre­mière. Are you kid­ding? You mean they get worse? How many times are we going to have to hear peo­ple crap­ping all over “At Last”? Oh, oh, OH, and as soon as they led the blind dude out into the com­mer­cial break, you know I yelled GOD NO at the TV. You know what, I hope he makes it through so we can watch him do chore­og­ra­phy dur­ing the Up With People seg­ments. OK, that’s worth look­ing for­ward to.

Other alto­gether brief glim­mers of optimism:

  1. The Kara-​Paula dynamic has poten­tial (I’ll regret this later)
  2. Cody: Danny Noriega lite, y’all ain’t ready
  3. Julie Brown Jr.—at least her demen­tia was enter­tain­ing and adorable
  4. Dude telling us about the toxic mold in his closet: “It’s a fun story.” You bet it is!

Best moment: the home video of David Archuleta fans at the moment they real­ized their lives were no longer worth liv­ing. Oh Idol, you still know how to bring the schaden­freude. That plus the payola/​blackmail that is putting Tim Roth on my TV every Wednesday (start­ing January 21 only on FOX) means I’m in it to win it, peo­ple. Hope it doesn’t kill me first. Whee!

3 comments to Off y’go

  • I didn’t even watch this. Should I even watch this? I bet your descrip­tion is a mil­lion times bet­ter and more accu­rate than my own eyes.

    Is it scary that I have the same “another year of my life gone” thoughts? I am try­ing to pre­tend that if I pre­tend it isn’t hap­pen­ing, it isn’t hap­pen­ing. It’s 1997! “American Idol” doesn’t even exist! Hooray!

  • pieman

    I could not stop laugh­ing at the Archuleta fans cry­ing and scream­ing when he lost. I almost peed myself.

    Welcome back, Kim!

  • jane

    Oh oh oh! I finally watched this. And yes yes yes.

    I am almost #1 root­ing for the Julie Brown Jr. lady because she sang that hor­ri­ble song exactly how they sing it on the radio. People don’t under­stand. She learned it from lis­ten­ing to KTU!

    PS I didn’t even remem­ber Mikalah’s enor­mous jugs from pre­vi­ous sea­sons, but there they were, just like you said.