idol

Hate Ashbury

I got The Case of the Bloody Iris in the mail today and I’m watch­ing THIS SHIT?!

It’s a NEW AMERICA! And the same old shitty Idol. It is an itch I can­not help but scratch. A fes­ter­ing, gan­grenous wound. That itches.

This fol­low­ing pro­gram is ded­i­cated to the city and peo­ple of San Francisco, who may not know it, but they are beau­ti­ful. And so is their city. This is a very per­sonal song, so if the viewer can­not under­stand it, par­tic­u­larly those of you who are European res­i­dents, save up all your bread and fly Trans Love Airways to San Francisco, USA. Then, maybe, you’ll under­stand the song. It will be worth it, if not for the sake of this song, but for the sake of your own peace of mind.

God bless Eric Burdon. Clearly the hour of tedium before us is not what he had in mind in 1967.

San Francisco! What a lovely city. Cattle calls at the Cow Palace, who’d-a thunk it. We start off with a delu­sional young woman in a ghetto prom dress (come and get your cousins please) who some­how squeaks through to Hollywood. Good luck, sis­ter girl! I should give up on this show right now.

Is it wrong for me to love Ryan Seacrest as much as I do? Seriously, I want to know. Please tell me. You won’t con­vince me to stop lov­ing him, though.

Check out the albino dude. He’s a one-​man Autechre!

Dean Anthony Bradford will haunt me the rest of my days. Not the out­fit or his “car­pet matches the drapes,” but his dis­gust­ing head.

Well-​placed scarf there, pal. But hey, what­ever works for David Cook! I didn’t think it was pos­si­ble to put more zest on Simply Red, but there you go.

WE HEART JESUS. I praise Jesus that this show is only an hour long.

Kai put his dreams on hold to look after his mom! Is this his moment? (I don’t care.)

You need to lis­ten to the wer­rrrrrrrrrrrrrds.” Oh, sis­ter girl has an amaz­ing out­fit on. I wish there was a pic­ture. It is a fiesta of polyurethane and acid wash. “Iraquitate me” may need to be added to my per­sonal vernacular.

Simon has a crazy Dick Tracy Flat-​Top hairdo on. I just noticed it. I’m a Dapper Dan man!

Is this over yet? Kai! You care about Kai! You must stay tuned for Kai! KAI!!!!!

Hey, emo dip­shit! You are gross! How can some­one look like they have her­pes sores, yet not appear to actu­ally have her­pes sores? In HD, even? I am per­plexed. This one is going to chal­lenge Captain Hat for the Sam Harris man­tle. Paula declares him the best yet in this com­pe­ti­tion and I lose my faith in humanity.

After the break: KAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only the music of IZ can truly con­vey the deep emo­tion of The Story of Kai. He’s kinda hot, though. No he’s not. NO HE’S NOT. SHUT UP. “Aww, get down.” I love Randy. Man, I can’t deny my Pacific Islander brother. Of course it could be that it’s after 3 a.m. and I have enjoyed sev­eral deli­cious PBRs this evening. Aww, he calls his mom “Mambo.” I look for­ward to him flam­ing out and dis­ap­point­ing us all.

I think I may make it my life’s work to punch Emo Dipshit in the throat. Good night, America! See you in Kentucky!

4 comments to Hate Ashbury

  • Pieman

    Captain Hat was way more over the top that this dip­stick. I am still in Captain Hat’s corner.

    Dude with the coat (I refuse to learn his name) was the creepi­est guy ever. His mouth, oh. Stop.

    I wish I had sev­eral deli­cious PBRs to watch this.

    Why do I keep watch­ing any­way? Maybe so I know what you’re writ­ing about the next day?

  • jane

    I love it! The “Iraquitate me” lady is def­i­nitely my favorite. She wasn’t even hor­ri­ble at singing. I demand a recount. Kai is just alright with me. I am def­i­nitely plan­ning on get­ting a kid ASAP and make it call me Mambo.

  • I sure wish my offer to give you a ride to the bar had beaten out your dis­ap­pear­ance from AIM. This is mainly a test to see if I can get me some Gravatar action or not.

  • Tammy

    Didn’t Lady Iraquitate also say, “I’m just try­ing to sing from my lagen­i­tal car­ti­lage” while she ges­tured to her crotch?

    She is good stuff