Salt Lake Shitty

Salt Lake City is the home of David Archuleta! Also, happy peo­ple. Let’s hear that song that made me give up on R.E.M. for like a decade. Oh good­ness, we must be in for a treat tonight.

Randy is wear­ing some fly leopard-​print kicker boots. Paula is wear­ing a blouse that looks like some­thing I swear I used to wear in sixth grade. Ryan looks like an American Apparel lumberjack.

Son of Alan Osmond wel­comes us into someone’s home, where the gath­ered masses sur­round Saran Wrapped mini sand­wich plat­ters with feigned enthu­si­asm. Let’s learn about mul­ti­ple scle­ro­sis! Aww, poor sad old Alan. I’m con­fused by this pic­ture of Son of Alan in a wheel­chair with a slutty lady dressed as a devil crawl­ing all over him. If Take 6 is one of your favorite groups, I don’t think you have much of a chance in, like, reality.

He makes it through because Osmonds are so hot right now!

I don’t under­stand why the judges bother giv­ing really awful con­tes­tants any­thing resem­bling con­struc­tive crit­i­cism. Time wasted. Bunny suit? No. Dude with tongue prob­lem? No. Fat chicks? No, no fat chicks. Enough with them and their damned self-​confidence!

I’ve seen Bring It On, and Fired Up, you are no Bring It On.

Ryan Seacrest: shit-​stirrer.

Apparently “the new Amy Winehouse” is some­one who is try­ing to look and sound like Amy Winehouse to the point of audi­tion­ing with an Amy Winehouse song.

Uh. Apparently the judges are unfa­mil­iar with Amy Winehouse for their sun­shiny praise. Or maybe they’d like to get more famil­iar with her bounc­ing boobs!

Gather around and hear this telegenic young contestant’s heart-​wrenching tale of … divorce.

Only the music of Collective Soul can express our emo­tions over this tragedy. She makes it through because singing like a stran­gled cat is so hot right now!

Ah, bless you Kelly Clarkson for pro­vid­ing brief respite from this tedium. Is it just me, or does tonight’s show com­pletely suck it?

Acid-​wash never went out of style in Utah. Oh Jesus I’m SO BORED.

OK, so this generic lit­tle dude is leader of a small gang who wears pur­ple prep sweaters and … uh … posts flyers.

Snore. POSITIVITY! Any 17-​year-​old who likes Train is imme­di­ately sus­pect in my book. Um, Raffi? Really now. He makes it through and cries. Puss. I’m hat­ing every­thing about this show.

It’s time to meet a young woman with an incred­i­ble chal­lenge: she’s TALL.

Let’s sing about the Lord! She’s the most 38-​looking 16-​year-​old ever. She makes it through because Jesus is so hot right now!

Young Rose is a hip­pie with a lot of spice, which makes her Hippie Spice. Aw she’s cute though, if only she would wear shoes. I bet she smells bad.

She ends up sound­ing … totally aver­age! She makes it through, what­ever. I look for­ward to find­ing out this is all an act. Oh honey, please wash the soles of your feet.

Wow, that sucked. Oh no, there’s more tomor­row?!?!!!??!?! Hollywood week can’t get here fast enough. Gaaaaaaaaaah. Gah.

(Hahahahahaha, sight-​impaired dude still makes me laugh.)


1 comment to Salt Lake Shitty

  • Pieman

    Okay, so Biff Osmond doesn’t any fam­ily con­nec­tions to get a start in the music biz? He has to audi­tion on American Idol? Really? This show was the worst of the bunch.

    They kept show­ing the large crowds of happy peo­ple in Utah. They’re all happy! And they’re all white! I thought the State of Maine was Caucasian America, but Utah wins.