Jacksonville, Florida! I stayed home sick today and yet still could not moti­vate myself to deal with this until now. Simon and Ryan share a touch­ing roman­tic moment in a limo and we are there. THIS is American Idol! Thrill to excit­ing archive footage of day-​glo Randy Jackson slap­pin’ that bass with Journey. Something about the judges’ col­lec­tive demeanor leads me to believe they are all enjoy­ing recre­ational pharmaceuticals.

I wouldn’t be proud to be com­pared to Justin Guarini. Nor would I dare per­form Blake Lewis vocal enten­dres dur­ing my audition.

That means I would not make it on Idol, because this one went through no problem!

Nothing like a 16-​year-​old in a sun­dress singing Anita Baker’s “Caught Up in the Rapture” to make a whole lot of nonsense.

Someone call her moms. Aww, they’re sweet. I can’t be angry long.

I kind of love the demented car­toon beauty queen with the ter­ri­fy­ing jaw:

We can only hope she busts out some freestyle at least once.

This guy’s “She’s not black!” might be the high point of the shows so far:

Oof, now that’s a tragic audi­tion. We’ll taaaaaaaaake with us the memorieeeeeeeeeeeeeeees

I want Ryan to sit on my lap! Ergo I can’t blame this poor lady for being dis­tracted and flub­bing it.

She seems like a fun gal. Naturally the judges must break her spirit. HOW DARE THEY. I’ll give you a golden ticket, sun­shine! Now stop cry­ing, jeez.

This girl’s eye­brows scare the shit out of me.

You know how it is with me and eye­brows. Cute fam­ily! Bad choice of monot­o­nous crappy Fergie song! She sur­vives to per­haps get a trained pro­fes­sional to do some­thing with those eye­brows one day. It’s a prob­lem, I can’t get around it.

Paula has inspired Kara to wear some­thing com­pletely cleavage-​inappropriate. Ryan appears to be sport­ing an A-​cup in that T-​shirt. Something unseemly is hap­pen­ing here.

Hey, beardy. How high are you?

The judges send a per­fectly nice girl away because she didn’t look who­r­ish enough, or something.

This show is trau­ma­tiz­ing me.

This dude is a Fred Armisen char­ac­ter come to life:

I didn’t know Third Eye Blind was British. Oi will undah­staa! “Don’t touch me,” haa! OK, this may be my new favorite moment thus far. Who else is get­ting a Spanking the Monkey read­ing off this mother-​son dynamic?

Thankfully our whore makeover hero­ine did not go in for the whole whore hog, though the look on her face here would sug­gest otherwise.

Restraint is fun­da­men­tal. What a crappy show! Not as bad as SLC, but pretty bad. Now let’s enjoy a palate cleanser:

What a sheer delight. See, Idol will always be good for some­thing.

3 comments to Cracksonville

  • Pieman

    You didn’t even com­ment on the whole Frankenstein-​jawed beauty queen talk­ing Paula out of quit­ting! She’s a fourth wheel! Nobody lis­tens to her!

    Another show tonight, Kim! Yay!

  • well… in the {{{immor­tal}}} “words” of Master Archuleta…
    “Hey, Mmmmmmm, (yeah) ohh (yeah)
    …Well I don’t know how to say this right,
    And the words got me chok­ing,
    I keep hit­ting this wall,…It’s never gonna fall,
    And we’re still bro­ken,
    This moun­tail we’ve been try­ing to climb,
    It’s never end­ing,
    Just can’t do noth­ing, gotta do some­thing,
    Cause if we don’t open up our eyes,
    We’re just pre­tend­ing…“
    I just speaks to all of us and those con­tenders so very much… i feel it. I do… I really do! :)
    I hope you are feel­ing bet­ter Lady[of the]Ruby-tra{xxx}’(s) and I look for­ward [always] to more install­ments of this beau­ti­ful beau­ti­ful beau­ti­full­ness! xo xo :el fano:

  • Kim

    You are my brother, my best friend forever.