Puerto Freako

They saved the best for last, appar­ently. Oh Ryan, don’t lie to me. Randy is rock­ing some bur­gundy gators. Simon is show­ing way too much “chest pubes” (™ Dale Doback) for my liking.

We are (in the shadow of) New York City (a.k.a East Rutherford, New Jersey) and San Juan, Puerto Rico. All at the same time. We can pre­tend we’re on the ABC hit series Lost!

People com­pare me to Mary Jay Bly too. That is how much I believe in myself today right now!

She’s 19?! Oh my Lord. Singing is not her steez, dog.

Puerto Rico’s jump­ing off right about now, they say, and the ladies want to take the pool­boy home.

Zesty. His one fan has cute poten­tial, but I’m too impa­tient to rewind and confirm.

God bless that lady who tripped on the stairs. Now I’m root­ing for the world’s most beau­ti­ful baby con­test winner.

Chris: “How do you mis­spell ‘the’?” This girl has a future on KTU! (Does KTU still exist?) Chris: “I guess she just sounded too fat.”

New Generation Me’Shell NdegéOcello has a mes­sage to share with the world and uplift human­ity through a shift in the uni­verse, and it has some­thing to do with nudity.

Nice side­boobs, there. Jordin Sparks looks per­turbed! Kelly Clarkson looks delighted. Oh no, not another bare­foot lady. She’s unem­ployed? You don’t say. She looks TOTALLY DERANGED while she’s singing. Hold me, I’m fright­ened. Welcome to Hollywood, baby!

Chris can’t wait for that screen to fall down.

New Generation Bonnie Raitt is this year’s refugee from an Allan Moyle movie.

I either love or hate her.

Screen falling down: anti-​climactic.

We need more footage of sex­ual dancer Antyon Smith pronto. I think “Crazy Rocker” is really cre­ative per­son too! Aw shit, “To Be With You”? That is awe­some. And, in his words, excru­ci­at­edly bad.

Why does the dude in the sparkly shirt look familiar?

It both­ers me that he looks famil­iar. His face creeps me out. He creeps me out. Maybe he thinks he’s audi­tion­ing for Tim and Eric. Oh wait, per­haps he is semi-​entertaining after all. I admit I do enjoy him walk­ing out of the place with the magic yel­low Xerox paper going “What? What?” Ryan’s face: price­less. F this show!

These dudes totally had it going on.

Rrowr! Let’s put on the Troggs and get nasty.

Hey look, it’s Maeby Fünke!

Will she make it to Hollywood? Maeby.

Oh Lord, the orig­i­nal Allan Moyle refugee is back—all sparkly and ladies-​who-​lunch-​like.

Is she 40? The arm­holes of her dress are way too big. Nice biker shorts. She sounded bet­ter last year—yup. Oh man, the judges agree with me. We have all paid too much atten­tion to this woman.

Let’s go out on a nice lady who has no con­trol over her voice.

Wow, the selec­tion in PR must have been baaaaad to put her through.

There’s some­thing about Randy danc­ing around in a glit­ter T-​shirt that is sim­ply disturbing.

Hmm. That’s it, then. Well! Hmm. See you in Hollywood! And in the words of our patron sprite Alexis, “Thank you. You’re an asshole.”

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