idol

Have you ever met Satan?

You need to under­stand that Hollywood Week and I have a spe­cial rela­tion­ship. I like to spend as much time alone with it as pos­si­ble. This is MAGIC TIME. It’s my Idol Honeymoon, and it’s all down­hill after this.

Introducing Idol Boot Camp! Next year, Idol Booty Camp.

I love that the spe­cial guest men­tor in the Inaugural Idol Boot Camp is Barry Manilow. Those kids just got smacked in the face with the real­ity of the cal­iber of enter­tain­ment they must aspire to. I bet the dude who can’t see shit is dig­ging it!

That first lady singing the Whitney Houston was way off key, right? And every­one loves it! Maybe they’re too dis­tracted by the Hot Look of a polo under­neath a bedaz­zled V-​neck T-​shirt. Dennis is right: Y’all suck as judges!

I’m psy­ched for my pend­ing reunion with that Indian dude who knows how to throw down.

Let me tell you some­thing about Hollywood Week Part 1 so far: There is way too much frig­ging nar­ra­tive and not enough peo­ple actu­ally per­form­ing and fuck­ing up and cry­ing and fight­ing with one another. In Idol par­lance, I am dis­ap­pointed in this episode’s song choice.

Turquoise shirt boy in the flip-​flops totally reminds me of this stu­dent at work who was say­ing “I’m perky as fuck!when I walked by him the other day.

Throw down my Indian brother! Actually, I can’t remem­ber his name so for all I know he is not Indian and is instead, say, Arizonianianian or something.

Hippie Spice shows us side­boob while she cries. Is she preg­nant? Is this some­thing that has been addressed and I ignored it? Also, she sounds like shit. How dare they give us her audi­tion and keep us from our Castro boyfriend’s? Was he too much of a delight for our puny minds to process and there­fore they are with­hold­ing him for our own pro­tec­tion? Oh, and Hippie Spice passes, too. GAH. THIS SHOW.

HAT MAN. I hope the sleeve­less brother from the load­ing dock beats his ass. Dude is SMOOTH! “You gon’ take that big ol’ bear on? But you slayed it, dude! What?!” Randy is clearly bring­ing his best word­smith game this sea­son. OK, some­thing to look for­ward to.

That dude’s yel­low scarf is long! Is this the guy from PR that I hated? Is this Poolboy? Is he wear­ing a Ray Stokes wig?

HAT MAN. Oh my … oh my God. Maybe this guy has a future doing Foxwoods com­mer­cials, but he’d have to tone that inten­sity way down my friend. Oh good, he makes it through. What. A. RELIEF.

SEACREST!

Wait … so they’re say­ing that pres­sure is going to get to the con­tes­tants? Really?!?!!!?!!!!!? No, not on this show. Never.

Jackie the per­son, I like. Jackie the singer, I fear.

Oh no, dead wife man in a sparkle shirt. I have not the time. Ah-​YOOOOOOOOOO-​oooooooou became LAAAAAAAAOOOOOOVE BAYBAYYYYYYYYY

Wait … so you mean to say peo­ple will be get­ting emo­tional?! Seriously, now I know you must be joking.

Every time this Olive Garden com­mer­cial comes on and tells me about the shrimp and white wine sauce, I die.

Female in a bathing suit puts me to sleep. “Bring your pole tomor­row” brings me joy.

OIL RIG ROUGHNECK. He’s a work­ing man’s work­ing man!

Turquoise shirt man can­not stop hug­ging peo­ple. Damn.

This is my cousin’s birth­day! I need to use that as an excuse from now on.

Oh no, the return of Emo D-​bag. But up next … the return of The Group Round! Drama! Bitchiness! Fighting! Tantrums!!! C’mon, team­work people.

I’m not argu­ing with you because that’s what you want. I wish they’d stop telling us about how peo­ple are going to cry and just get to the cry­ing already.

I’m won­der­ing if those three took Tatiana out on the bal­cony to throw her over and their plans were foiled by the cam­era crew.

I need that lady with the crazy red weave to become my life coach.

Hippie Spice really needs to put some shoes on. Everyone is wear­ing sooo much sparkle. Bathing Suit Lady WALK OF SHAME.

How much do I love it that Elliott Ethan Embry Yamin’s group is called White Chocolate?

Ryan P. should be given a sec­ond chance just for his exit interview:

I feel manip­u­lated and insulted. I feel like I’ve seen a side of Paula that I didn’t know was there. I saw an evil in her.

Tremendous.

Dead Wife Man has a cre­ative way of enun­ci­at­ing loooo-​yuv. I want to put Emo D-​bag in a trunk and push him off a boat.

Bye-​bye, Hippie Spice! Go wash your feet in that lux­u­ri­ous hotel tub. You won’t even have to clean it up after.

Son of Alan and Teen Sweater Gang Leader, gone!

Thank you so much, you make this all a part of me.” What?

Turquoise Shirt, Red Weave, and Mena Suvari prayer cir­cle! Oh no, Red Weave gets the boot. She can be my life coach now.

No more bald naked lady of one­ness with the uni­verse. Oh shame. I think the beauty queen with the freak­ish jaw is toast too, but I’m not sure.

More Hollywood Week next week! Which is to say we have Hollywood Weeks plural and I am so excited. That means I we’ll get to see this guy do that thing they keep show­ing in the out­ros and laugh once more:

Yessssssss.

3 comments to Have you ever met Satan?

  • Pieman

    Ooh, I might have to change my grav­i­tar to the dead wife guy just to be a jerk!

    Hat Man is in deep trou­ble. Did he make it through? Foxwoods is on Line Two.

    What planet does Tatiana live on? She is twisted, but I can’t look away. And the laugh!

    We missed you yes­ter­day, Kim. Welcome back and thanks for the dou­ble shot!

  • Kim

    And we get ANOTHER Hollywood Week next week!!! I love it. They’re mak­ing up for past offenses. Tuesday’s ep kind of blew, but last night’s was quite enjoy­able, despite the fact they inflated the drama for the same like four people.

  • Tammy

    All night long at our Idol Party we sang, “Groups are back, groups are back!” Hollywood week IS the best.

    I also crack up at the Olive Garden shimp in white wine sauce com­mer­cial. Did you catch Tim and Eric when they were at the Pantages? We did, AND met Fancy Ray!