Hell Week

Hollywood Week con­tin­ued! The pres­sure is higher than ever, and so are the stakes! That means the stakes are higher than ever! This intro is stress­ing me out, man. What the hell is Randy wear­ing? THIS is American Idol!

Seventy-​two con­tes­tants are in a “hold­ing area.” Apparently there are final deci­sions being made. Polaroids of doom! Wait … don’t we need to see the audi­tions? Ohhhh they’re switch­ing up the order on us. How “clever.”

Kara doesn’t like Emo D-​bag either. I am fond of this lady! Cher’s “Believe,” oh my God, appar­ently he thinks he is “switch­ing it up” D-​Cook style, but it is so drag revue as to cause night­mares. Jesus. You should see the look on Chris’ face right now!

Dueling Pianos is my man. If he does not make it through, blood will run in the streets.

Dude With the Thing in Your Face, take that thing out of your face. I am tired of you and your boyfriend, Dead Wife Man. I’m tired of Dead Wife Man more. He just got Paula preg­nant! Is that some kind of Medusa-​combating reflect­ing voodoo charm she’s wear­ing? The hell?

ANOOP DOGGY DOGG, my brother, you bring joy to my life. Throw that shit down!

Poolboy … ugh, no.

Airport ’77 Piano Bar Man … snore, no.

I have no idea who this blond lady is.


Lil’ Rounds, I don’t care if your first name is Lil, I must give you an apostrophe.

Ryan pulls a fast one on Mena Suvari and it is hilar­i­ous! Oh Ryan, tu eres el colmo.

Pignose Lady, who are you? Why are you singing cha-​cha music?

Tatiana and her tube top are bat­shit crazy.

Why. Do. People. Sing. Past. Contestants’. Singles. Gah.

Oh Turquoise Flip-​Flops, you and your zesty Mike Miller head­band are truly some­thing special.

Aww, cud­dly broth­er­man mess­ing up your song, that makes me sad.

Mr. Tries Too Hard is a joke that is way too old. Speaking of which, you can­not tell me he is 27. Come ON.

Anne Marie, please stay out of the sun or you will age another 10 years by next Tuesday.

Ju’not? I could have fun with that name. Is he wear­ing a double-​breasted track jacket with epaulets? Seriously, who dressed these peo­ple today?

Oh Kai, I didn’t think you would let us down so soon!

Oil Rig Roughneck, WORKINMAN! Nice choker, dude.

Hahaha, Simon takes a pow­der from the CONFERENCE ROOMS OF DOOM.

Aww, Kai and Cuddly Brother Man made it! Oil Rig Roughneck, WORKINMAN. Also … Hat Man. Oh joy.

How dare they deprive us of a sec­ond sea­son of Castro Magic. BOO. Also that poor lady with the nice mom. Boo!

Man, they sure do make it obvi­ous which rooms are yes/​no rooms, don’t they?

My dudes are IN! That includes New Generation Bonnie Raitt, I guess. Also: Pignose, Poolboy, Airport ’77, Batshit Crazy, Mr. Tries Too Hard, Ju’not, Danny Noriega Lite, Tanne Marie, Lil’ Rounds, Turquoise Flip-​Flops, Dead Wife Man, Dude With the Thing in Your Face, maybe Mena Suvari, I don’t know, I lost track once the vol­ume of suck hit me.

Tomorrow: ELEVATOR OF DOOM. It’s all down­hill after that, folks! Enjoy it while you can, for it will be taken from you all too soonly. To wit:

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday


1 comment to Hell Week

  • Pieman

    HAT MAN!!

    Did they show him singing and I blinked? I saw in a room with some other peo­ple that made it through, so I assume he’s in.

    Did they just have an hour’s worth of this crap to elim­i­nate like 12 more people?

    Two more hours tonight! I CAN wait!