You are ready to record records.

Apparently these FINAL 54 con­tes­tants have been wait­ing for this moment all their lives. They’re all eight years old?

Ryan explains to us The New Pressure of the Sing-​Offs! That sounds like one of them crappy new band names. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus? Really? THIS is American Idol!

By the way, I had no idea when I went with “Hell Week” on Tuesday that I would wake up to my own per­sonal Hell Week the next morn­ing. But enough about me.

ALL-​NEW FINAL JUDGMENT. Oh man, no longer do we have the Elevator of Doom. Instead we have the Garden of Doom, Hallway of Doom, Persian Carpet of Doom, and Comfy Chairs of Doom.

ANOOP DOGGY DOGG, my soul­ful eth­nic scarf-​wearing brother, you are in!

Sam Harris HAT MAN Junior a.k.a. Pieman’s Boyfriend. Apparently American Idol is why he is alive. Oh, me too! He’s such a proper lit­tle lady. I kinda like that jacket he’s wear­ing, I gotta say. He is a talker, hoo boy. Shut up. Shut up. Shut uuuup. He can feel it all over, peo­ple. Annnnnd he’s in.

All this two-​hour drama to elim­i­nate 18 peo­ple out of 54? Really?!

All the eye­liner in the world can’t save Danny Noriega Lite from the indig­nity of the SING-​OFF! And of all the songs in the world, he picks Gavin Rossdale. SOLO Gavin Rossdale. Swinnnnnng and a miss, pal. Meanwhile, Chipmunk Michael Phelps’ reac­tion to the sing-​off is awe­some. “Oh no, no no no, no no no no no, no no.” You and me both, my friend. “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me” is one of those Ironic Final Song Choices the judges LOVE. No mat­ter, it’s CMP over DNL. Surely DNL has a bright future in adult enter­tain­ment ahead of him.

Chris and I both hope we have the oppor­tu­nity to cel­e­brate Emo D-​Bag home today. Man, he is really proud of his drag cabaret ren­di­tion of “Believe,” is he not? All this coy bull­shit just makes me sick. Oh joy, we get at least one more week of his RISK-​TAKING! Faaaaaaaaah.

Look out, it’s Too Tall Jones. Oh thank good­ness her height did not pre­vent her from advanc­ing in this com­pe­ti­tion. Who else made it through? Ebony Bobblehead! Pignose One! MinneHOta! Tattoo Divorce Lady! Pignose Two! STEVIE! Undeserving Generic Brunette! We are chock full o’ nuts tal­ent, here.

Do you real­ize that the ten­sion is mount­ing? Do you?!

Three generic dudes are dis­missed in quick suc­ces­sion. Let’s build up some ten­sion for Wispy Blonde! Ugh, another coy “it’s not good news … it’s great” load of crap.

SING-​OFF II! Skinemax Blonde vs. Mena Suvari. I kinda like Mena Suvari. She appears to have an actual per­son­al­ity. Simon and I dis­agree! Ad Break Tension. Mena makes it! Man, every­one loves pil­ing on her.

Babies Makin’ Babies Y’all, wel­come to Season 8 with your new pink hair things, leave the kid at home!

The judges look for­ward to see­ing Airport ’77 again. Sadly, he can­not reciprocate.

Lil’ Roundz lives to see another day! And, one hopes, to see a more sup­port­ive brassiere.

Gosh, you’d think that when they show peo­ple who haven’t been on cam­era more than five sec­onds, it means that they’re not mak­ing it? And then it turns out you’d be right? Doesn’t that just suck all the sus­pense out of this? And if you say yes, wouldn’t it also turn out you’d be right?

SING-​OFF III. Dimestore Winehouse vs. Jonny Lang’s Drunk-​Driving Sister. Ohhhhhhh what a choice. DW looks bored out of her mind. DWI sounds like she is autis­tic and singing the noises in her head. DWI wins! Which is to say, nobody wins. Don’t drink and drive, y’all.

Coming up: Workin’ Men gotta face off! Chris is devastated.

The Elevator of Doom is gone, but the Raw Emotion™ remains. Time to meet Multiethnic Rachel Sweet, who will return to sass us all with sassi­ness yet again!

Let’s take a look back at the magic jour­ney of our favorite boyfriends, Dead Wife Man and Dude With the Thing in Your Face. Dead Wife Man sure loves him­self. He’s like all of Barenaked Ladies com­bined with Robert Downey Jr. How timely and rel­e­vant. By the way, that can never be con­sid­ered a com­pli­ment, ever. DWtTiYF, time for Ad Break Tension. Oh gasp, they’re break­ing up the boyfriends! That’s RACIST. Way to stack the sym­pa­thy vote in Dead Wife Man’s favor, folks.

That bitch who keeps lying about the sources of her Glade fra­grances needs a seri­ous wake-​up call.

Let’s enter­tain “a string of guys” with yes votes. “Ricky Braddy,” who? My Fave Rave Fake Elliott Dueling Pianos! Ju’NOT! Ugh, the Poolboy, ugh! Some Generic White Dude! Cuddly Brother Man!

The look on Oil Rig Roughneck’s face when Tries Too Hard makes it through is price­less. I love this show!

Bonnie Raitt NPG does a crazy Flashdance Maniac dance when she gets through.

Batshit’s moment of truth! She whee­dles a free Paula Abdul brand ring out of the lady her­self. Aaaaaaand she makes it through. Between Batshit and TTH, it’s like they want to encour­age as many live TV melt­downs as pos­si­ble. It’s a whole new Idol! The remain­ing con­tes­tants are dis­gusted!

SING-​OFF IV. Generic Frat Boy vs. Turquoise Flip-​Flops. Let’s finally learn about TFF’s dys­func­tional fam­ily. He is not a pretty crier. Did you have any doubt TFF would make it through? Did you? If you had any doubt, that means you are dumb.

Welcome to the Top 36: Generic Heretofore Unseen Black Lady, KAI!, Tanne Marie, and Generic Heretofore Unseen White Dude!

Workin’ Men gotta throw down and go to war, y’all. SING-​OFF V: Balderson Baldy vs. Oil Rig Roughneck. BB is … eh. ORR makes the ladies go “ooh.” To no one’s sur­prise what­so­ever, they both make it.

What best sums up the appeal of Season 8? Bask in this glam­our shot of Madam Emo D-​Bag, and you tell me:

Hey old lady

What a riiiiiiiiiiiide!

3 comments to You are ready to record records.

  • Pieman

    Hey! You’re back in time for this week! Awesome.

    Lay off Hat Man! He just gets talk­a­tive when he’s nervous.

    We’ve been call­ing Dead Wife Man by Robert Downey Jr. since his first appear­ance and I think he’s try­ing to look more like him with every pass­ing week!

    It says tonight we’ll only vote THREE through to the next round! Does that mean that we vote for three and the judges put through like six more? I think so.

  • jane

    This show was so long that it made my life hurt.

    But I would totally make out with one of the last 36 who I SWEAR was never on to sing at all even once but I kept see­ing him hug­ging peo­ple in the elimination/​congratulations parts. He is very generic with a beard and he needs to hug me next.

  • Kim

    I need to know which man this man is.

    I feel Dead Wife Man is more Barenaked Ladies than Robert Downey Jr., but that may be due to the immense love I have for Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.