I’ve been under the table

I’m full of beer, Cherry Pop-​Tarts, and Fritos. LOOK OUT.

Ryan is extra tan and extra preppy! Oh Ryan, I love you now and for­ever. It is time to pass judg­ment on the first of three groups of 12. Only three will sur­vive (aside from the three wild cards). THIS is American Idol!

Banter ban­ter ban­ter. I think I love Kara. She’s rather awe­some. The theme tonight is Billboard 100 since the begin­ning of time, or some­thing. What would my song be? Uh … prob­a­bly some­thing by the Guess Who. O Canada!

ai09_jackietFirst up? Our Allan Moyle refugee, JACKIE T.! Her out­fit is … hor­ri­fy­ing, yet very Allan Moyle. Oh Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. Her per­for­mance is … uh. I want to love you, Jackie, for all the Allan Moyle you bring me, but oh. Simon is not a fan of the “trousers”. Her par­ents are adorable!!!!!!

ai09_rickybRicky B., you are so very James Haven to me. He must be awe­some since they have not allowed us to hear him sing until tonight. Leon Russell!!! Oh Ricky, you know the way to my heart. You also look like an animé char­ac­ter. I enjoy your bur­gundy vel­vet blazer. You are … OK. Nice shoes! Um .. I got noth­ing else. Blink-​blink-​blink-​blink. This is what Randy is talk­ing about right here, dude, that was unbe­liev­able right there, that’s the jump off right there! Kara and Paula are in love. I think Ricky and Ryan should be boyfriends for­ever. Good luck against Dead Wife Man!

ai09_alexisgBabies Makin’ Babies Y’all with Alexis G.! She is wear­ing a slip and enun­ci­at­ing poorly. Oh wow, that was … uh. A ho-​down? A ho-​tenanny? This whole “dirty­ing it up” busi­ness is being taken a lit­tle too seri­ously. Paula thinks she has soul. Hahahaha! Ted Danson (star of the FX orig­i­nal series “Damages”) and Doogie Howser approve. Remember, America, she’s pushed a whole baby out of there!

I really, really, really need to write up my true feel­ings about “Lie to Me” one of these days.

ai09_brentkLive glitch! Tape prob­lem! Is Brent K. Jane’s new boyfriend? I need to know! He’s get­ting rowdy down at the foot­ball game, that’s how he gets down in a hick town! Apparently. He must be famil­iar with the North Metro! Randy evokes “swag­ger.” I can’t decide if Paula is more Neely O’Hara or Helen Lawson tonight. I real­ize Brent is sit­ting next to Ryan, but he looks 7 feet tall, so he must be Jane’s new boyfriend.

ai09_steviewSTEVIE. Stevie W. I find it dif­fi­cult to believe she is 17. I am turn­ing 40 this year and she looks older than I do. But she is sun­shiney and sweet and I love that! Oh wow, she is ter­ri­ble. Sorry, Stevie! I take it all back. Oh, she is a cheer­ful and unflap­pable young lady and I love that!

I am hyp­no­tized by Randy’s watch and intrigued by his “black arm band” cardigan.

ai09_anoopdAnoooooooooop D. is bring­ing ANGEL. OF. MINE. by. MONICA. Dude is a dream come true. He is also clearly ter­ri­fied. Don’t let me down, Anooooooooop! Randy is all like yeeeeeah, what? His par­ents: also adorable. He gives props to Rickey and the band. What a pro!

Why does FOX have to show me out­takes from “Lie to Me” fea­tur­ing my dear belovèd Tim being smi­ley and com­pletely adorable dur­ing com­mer­cial breaks? Are they try­ing to tor­ture me?! Clearly, yes. DAMN YOU FOX

ai09_caseycOK, one look at ho-​bag Casey C. and her jaunty fedora and shitty shit­ti­ness and I real­ize I am far too valu­able as a human being to con­tinue with this episode tonight/​this morn­ing. I will fin­ish it tomorrow/​later today. I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for a thou­sand years, etc. etc. etc. I tried, man, I tried.

2 comments to I’ve been under the table

  • Pieman

    Dreadful show.

    Dead Wife Man/​Downey Jr. is going through. Even Simon thought he was okay.

    I think Ricky Braddy is Jane’s boyfriend. Yup.

    Stevie was awfuller than awful. I am sad­dened by this.

    Demure Tatiana! I don’t like it.

  • jane

    OK, I haven’t seen this show yet because I was watch­ing a Devils game. What? I have been miss­ing out — between plays they showed this toy duck rid­ing around in a car like “500 Up”! What WHAT?!

    From read­ing this won­der­ful recap and look­ing things up, I learn that my boyfriend was Brent K. We have bro­ken up, of course, because now I remem­ber that when he was singing I didn’t like him at all. He should only exist in the back­ground hug­ging people.

    I don’t know much about Ricky Braddy except that I hate his name, but when I see a photo of him, I real­ize that he is not my worst boyfriend can­di­date ever — or even currently.