Attack of the stage mom, revenge of the widower

I couldn’t resist sit­ting through Casey C.‘s per­for­mance last night and whoa. Whoa. WHOA. I can’t go back and watch it because I actu­ally had a night­mare about it last night. I did! I really did. And in this night­mare, the judges let her sing again and it was even worse. It involved “My Heart Will Go On” and inter­pre­tive danc­ing. I’m not kid­ding. Anyway, just when we think it can’t get any more hor­ri­ble (and this is get­ting back to the real life of the show and not my night­mare life in my head), Casey’s STAGE MOM takes over. She is a hor­ror. She is wear­ing black capri leg­gings under a skirt and some big jacket … thing. She can’t stop grab­bing the micro­phone and talk­ing about how her daugh­ter is the best thing ever and she’s so proud, oh, she’s so proud. She seems to think she is on “TRL.” I am glad I waited until today to wit­ness this, as I do not believe I could have han­dled it last night.

Oil Rig Roughneck Workin’ Man Choker Wearin’ Michael S. is … well. Hmm. Disappointing! OK, ghastly. The judges are remark­ably invested in con­struc­tive criticism.

Tann Marie B. feels like a nat­ural woman! She has proven her­self to be generic and a ter­ri­ble face­maker. Paula thinks she has improved. Oooh, that’s a slam. Ryan clearly doesn’t have his post-​crit game down yet.

Cuddly Brother Man Stephen F. is going to show who he is as an artist with a smooth jazz ren­di­tion of “Rock With You.” It is weird! Oof, held that high note a lit­tle too long there. Um … I am non­plussed. Randy feels it was not the joint for him. The word “corny” is used. He must not have any fam­ily up in the Red Room, as Ryan meets him out on the stage.

Batshit Tatiana will not let any­one get in the way of her dream! I feel threat­ened by that. Her dress looks like some­one threw up a pitcher of hur­ri­canes all over it, includ­ing the para­sols. She dares to take on the Whitney and it is dull. Tatiana is world music, she is all gen­res! She is happy to have the oppor­tu­nity to mar­ket her­self pro­fes­sion­ally. Her young sexy cousins are wait­ing for her in the Red Room. This is weird! I love her pageant con­tes­tant plea to keep her dream alive, America. She must be on some new meds.

Dead Wife Man Danny G. is a church music direc­tor. He will sing Mariah Carey’s “Hero.” His wife died, did you know that? If you didn’t know that, let’s take a moment to explain to you that his wife died. If you for­got, let’s take a moment to remind you that his wife died. And on top of that, his wife died! Four weeks before the audi­tion. Four weeks equals a month! That means when he audi­tioned, his wife died a month before. By the way, did you know that his wife died? Oh, while I was writ­ing all that I was ignor­ing him. Randy drags out “blaz­ing hot”. Paula has two words with a hyphen: “sold out are­nas”! What? Simon is not buy­ing into it, which goes to show that a hero lies in him. Ryan gives DWM an oppor­tu­nity to talk about over­com­ing tragedy blah blah blah blah. Dude, we get it. (And by “it”, I mean “dead wife”. Did you know his wife died?!)

Ugh. That was dread­ful. Dreadfuuuuuuuuul. I vote no to every­one. I can’t even imag­ine choos­ing three of these goofs. Goofs! Well, the elim­i­na­tion should be enter­tain­ing. Heh. (No.)

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