idol

Earning a stool

I so enjoy the use of “through” in the Idol con­text, as it is intended short­hand for “through to the next round” when in my head I hear “fin­ished”. THIS is American Idol!

Paula looks like a saloon hooker in a Hullabaloo pro­duc­tion num­ber. Kara looks like a real estate bro­ker cov­ered in glit­ter. Ryan makes a sala­cious com­ment and I am scandalized!

Let’s take a look back at our 1/​3 of our Top 36’s jour­ney before Up With People brings us some song that sounds like a coming-​of-​age movie outro. I should prob­a­bly know it, but I don’t! Some of these folks are remark­ably tanabusive—good lawd, I feel bad for them. I’m fairly cer­tain they have to wear dark cloth­ing so it doesn’t show as much when their skin melts off. Teen Mom looks so much like Shanno it ter­ri­fies me. Jackie is insane, and I still don’t know if Iove or fear her. A bit of both, per­haps. It’s sooo clear that sooo many of these folks have nooo chance of ever win­ning this thing, ever.

Ryan pro­claims Tuesday to have been a RAW show. Anoop is wear­ing big white pants and tak­ing up a lot of room to dis­play his crotch area. Go Anoop. Oh, it’s time to get rid of people!

ai09_caseycCasey has a cou­ple of mini bas­ket­balls taped to her chest, and I sus­pect there is one strapped under her hair­piece. So long, loser!

ai09_stephenfStephen looks fly. I sus­pect he does not have a chance in hell. I am cor­rect! Aww, poor Cuddly Brother Man.

ai09_alexisgTeen Mom has caught the jaunty fedora dis­ease, and we are stuck with her for the time being. Ryan: “You could be the next American Idol.” Teen Mom: “I know.” Oh, hahaha, the con­fi­dence of youth. Remember: She pushed a whole baby out of there.

ai09_jackietai09_rickybJackie and Ricky, say­onara, you ain’t it!

ai09_anoopdai09_michaelsAnoop and Michael, please take cen­ter stage. They were sep­a­rated by 20,000 votes. Score one for the Workin’ Man, y’all, don’t let the brown dude take our jobs! Ugh. This show is RACIST.

Let’s enjoy the American Idol Experience at Walt Disney Resort in Florida! I see Carrie Underwood has grad­u­ated to the Mariah Carey Sparklemic.

Time to take a walk through Season 7 mem­ory lane with a duet from Carly and Michael. I spend it com­pletely frozen and inca­pable of think­ing, say­ing, or writ­ing a sin­gle thing. I … I need time to process. Everything about it is … whoa. From Carly talk­ing about buy­ing her hair in an “Asian neigh­bor­hood” to the Tuesday Night in Reno arrange­ment of the frickin’ BOX TOPS, I just … this is even worse than the ver­sion they did in last year’s finale, isn’t it? This is a WTF explo­sion from start to fin­ish. My soul can’t take it. I have to go pray now.

ai09_tannmariebai09_brentkai09_steviewTann Marie, Brent, Stevie, you are dis­missed in rapid suc­ces­sion! Who is that cry­ing emo dude? He looks ready to knife somebody.

ai09_dannygai09_tatianadIt’s all down to Dead Wife Man and Batshit. If only 20K votes sep­a­rated Oil Rig Roughneck and Anoop, it’s pretty clear that DWM is the top male vote-​getter, right? Duhhhh, I’m so smart. Danny’s all like “Whoo! My wife’s dead!” So at this spe­cial moment, let’s focus on Batshit to see if some does some­thing crazy on camera.

So here’s who we’re stuck with:

ai09_alexisgai09_michaelsai09_dannyg

Blecch. Wildcard bet­ter give my man Anoop another chance, that’s all I’m say­ing. Suck it, Idol!

4 comments to Earning a stool

  • Pieman

    I still hate Michael. Who told him that hairdo would work anyway?

    When is Hat Man? Two more weeks??

  • Tammy

    Suck it Idol indeed. Anoop sounded no worse than Roughneck, yet the judges praised him and cas­trated Noop Dawg. A bunch of BS!

  • Kim

    Also, what is the deal with Anoop’s Idol “glam­our shot”? They made the dude look like Satan. And he’s GREY. Anoop don’t deserve that shit!

    I do believe your boyfriend is in two weeks, P-​man.

    Could they have stacked the odds any more in these three’s favor over the last month (oh God, another month of my life, van­ished into thin air)? I don’t think it’s pos­si­ble. Sure, every­one else mostly blew it, but Anoop is get­ting a raw deal, man.

    This show needs more Castro. Some filmed vignettes of Jason and Ryan going to the gro­cery store, get­ting makeovers, play­ing shuf­fle­board, try­ing on jeans. It’s the only way to save this show (and our souls).

  • 4-​serious … how is it pos­si­ble that ANOOP[s] “gone grey”! {and} I must con­fess that every time {and I do mean every time} I hear “ANNOP[s]” name.. instant{[tain]}iously my mind wan­ders to the [EDDIE BAEZ CLUB MIX] of “AUGUSTUS GLOOP” from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory… AHHHH!!!!! .. my mind is play­ing word-​association in like a [seri­ously] INSANE way! {OM[f}G}!!!! but, i fig­ured, I’d just have to share that one with you oh KIM of the IDOL world! :) — thank you for always bring­ing the IDOL to the peo­ple for the peo­ple of the peo­ple [oh no, i might just start singing “peo­ple are peo­ple”!!!!] {instead of UP UP with peo­ple!!!} [ahhhh!] ok.. i should stop, the crazy-​train is com­ing to get me!! thank you thank you for ALWAYS keep’n it IDOL REAL!! xo xo :El fano: