I did hear you go for it and bring what you brought.

These final rounds are endurance tests the likes of which I have né’er before faced and wish né’er to face again. I think I’ll have to gang them on Wednesdays until the Final 12 because I. Can’t. Take. The. Tedium. Gah.

Guys and girls! Votes! Wild cards! Blah blah blah. Almost all the peo­ple I can tol­er­ate are in this group and I fear for their chances. Paula’s got some kind of Dynasty/​I Dream of Jeannie thing going on and her cleav­age fore­tells cer­tain doom. Simon: “It’s too late for advice now.” Oh you are for­ever wise, great pharaoh.

Our theme con­tin­ues to be songs from the Billboard 100. Did “Fool’s Gold” man­age to chart? I think that would be my Idol song this week. Ninety sec­onds of fat groove with me doing noth­ing but dance around.

ai09_jasminemShe is a squishy­face bob­ble­head. Apparently being in the Hollywood round was “inter­est­ing.” Stop the presses. She’s not going to write you a love song! Oh, she looks tired. This is way more labo­ri­ous than it needs to be. Joyless. Snore. The word “com­mer­cial” is bandied about. Aww, she keeps smil­ing through the crit­i­cism. She insists she had a “great time” and I believe she is lying.

ai09_mattgThis young man is my favoritest favorite and if he doesn’t make it, I may have to pack this whole mess in. “Viva La Vida,” oh my. He goes way off the rails three or four times but I do not care, I will take him over Chris Martin any day (faint praise, true). Kara is not impressed! Simon: “verg­ing on hor­ri­ble.” Randy says he’s got it goin’ on, what? “Chris can’t sing Ray Charles. You can. Yo!” Randy is a poet. Ryan can’t keep his hands off my man! He and I may have to fight.

ai09_jeaninevShe looks old! Those are some short shorts, eek. Maroon 5, really? Why, does she sound like Leo Sayer? I’m fairly cer­tain that she never fig­ured out what key that was in the entire time. Paula: “Great legs. It’s Season 8. Simon?” Simon: “Painful.” Randy: “The legs are def­i­nitely hot.” Kara: “Very over­done, hon.” I like that! Bless this lady for acknowl­edg­ing that she is a vic­tim of audition/​Hollywood round edit­ing. That’s about all the good I can say.

We haven’t had any slow mis­er­able treks back to the Red Room yet, so I hope that holds for … well, always.

ai09_nickmYeah, what­ever. Is that his father seething with resent­ment in the audi­ence? Kara Explains It All: “For what it’s worth, you’re not a ter­ri­ble singer.” Paula: “This is America.” I can’t waste any more energy on this. Everyone belabors the point and beats the dead horse into sub­atomic par­ti­cles. I hate you, Idol.

ai09_allisoniShe’s one hell of a 37-​year-​old-​looking 16-​year-​old, but I like her! Actually, she may be EG Daily with a giant red weave and I hope she doesn’t make me regret that state­ment. And she doesn’t! Oh, I LOVE her. Paula talks about the tele­phone book for a while. Doop dee doo. OK, if she doesn’t make it through, I will make the streets run with blood or something.

ai09_krisaWhat’s up, generic white boy? “Man in the Mirror,” cue the Bruce Hornsby & the Range remix. This sucks. Those are some ill-​fitting jeans. I’m bored. Kara says no, Paula says yes. Simon says yes! What the hell? Randy: “Nice jump-​off, baby.” Now I’m con­fused. Is this show over yet?

ai09_megancHey, it’s that divorced lady with a kid and tat­toos! That’s all I can remem­ber. Oh wait, she’s one of those ladies who can’t enun­ci­ate. Girl, put your records on! Someone seri­ously needs to tell her these lit­tle girl dresses she wears are not cute. Oh this is bad. This is baaaad. Her stage pres­ence is very sim­i­lar to mine when I do karaōke. That is not a com­pli­ment. Paula tells her the cam­era loves her. Randy talks about vibes jump­ing off. Kara talks about via­bil­ity and mar­kets. I can’t believe the judges are so frig­gin’ com­pli­men­tary. Ugh. UGH.

ai09_mattbHe is a welder and a workin’ man! I believe he is Chris’ favorite. He looks like he has dents in his fore­head, like the sur­face of the moon with cel­lulite on top. Doin’ it for the fam­ily. “Tonight I’ll be singing Tonic, ‘If You Could Only See’”—OK, this is where I check out.

(I wasn’t kid­ding. I hate that song.)

ai09_jesselOh hooray, another sin­gle mom. Single mom with a DUI! She’s got Bette Davis eyes. I’m bored. Randy feels she did not blow it out the box. She needs to stop talk­ing. Shut up. SHUT UP.

ai09_kaikKai loves his mama. What becomes of the bro­ken hearted? Lurex-​striped shirts, appar­ently. I do not approve of Lurex-​striped shirts. Aww, he’s so cute and stiff and awk­ward and his “sexy” stage pres­ence is goofy and ter­ri­fy­ing. Simon brings out “corny” and I sadly con­cur. Ryan can’t stop touch­ing him! I’m exhausted. Is this over yet?

ai09_mishavonnahPigface’s intro pack­age is rev­e­la­tory in that we learn her audi­tion out­fit is exactly the same as the tat­tooed divorced sin­gle mom lady’s:


Who wore it bet­ter? Actually, I think we’re all losers in this here game. “Drops of Jupiter,” OK then. This is even more labo­ri­ous than the first lady who sang about writ­ing you a love song about five hours ago. “Eh-​ehhh-​eh, eh, eh-​eh, eheheh-​ehhh … ehhh.” Entertaining! Everyone is all like “eh-​ehhh-​eh, eh-​eh, ehhhh.” Apparently she chose that song because it was “dif­fer­ent.” Uh. I’m bored. Tuning out. Bzzzzzzz. Eh-​eh, ehhhh, eh-​eh-​eh, ehhhh.

ai09_adamlOh great, time for emo animé douchenuts. Are those … dookie ropes? Really? “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction,” you must be kid­ding me. …
uh …

… uh …
… Oh. Oh no. No, oh no, please no. This is seri­ously the worst thing I have ever expe­ri­enced in my life. This makes Britney Spears’ “Satisfaction” sound like “Jesus Built My Hotrod.” I’m fairly cer­tain his voice has the power to turn peo­ple gen­der neu­tral. For those of you wise enough to not actu­ally watch the show, well, you know you want some of this, and I dare you to look away. (WARNING! Crotchgrab at 1:18–yeah, now you’re gonna watch it!)

The more I watch this (it’s a sick­ness), the more awed I am by how this appar­ent, I dunno, adult human being can go on live tele­vi­sion con­vinced that what they’re doing is not a com­plete humil­i­a­tion. I wish I had his balls (hahaha, balls! get it? see what I did there? balls!) but then again, I’m sat­is­fied with main­tain­ing my pride and dig­nity. Judges are blah blah dude it was the bomb, dude, what, come on, blah blah. About 78 per­cent of me just died.

God. Ugh. I don’t even want to think about how this turns out. Unfortunately, wait­ing next for me on the DVR is …

FOX Thursday starts right now! Ryan asks America, “What have you done?” I ask the same thing most days. I made myself two tiny que­sadil­las to help the med­i­cine go down. Let’s get this over with.

Up With People bring us Né-Yo’s “Closer”! They just can’t stop, they just can’t stop, they just can’t stop. Choreography! Prance prance prance. Matt G. is adorable and I don’t want Idol to break us up just yet. I just can’t stop! What the HELL is the old lady who sang Maroon 5 wear­ing? Other than the same shorts she wore yes­ter­day, that is? Heyoo. I just can’t stop! There is some mucho mucho bad lip­sync­ing going on here. I’m begin­ning to believe Nick doesn’t know the words to any­thing that’s not in Dreamgirls. I just can’t stop! I just stopped.

Corn tor­tillas, cheese, and onions make the world go ’round. Dim the lights, here we go!

Cut ’em Down Group A:


And the win­ner is …

ai09_allisoniTHANK YOU, AMERICA, YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. She says “frig­gin’.” I love her. I’ll pre­tend she’s my Filipina sis­ter even if she’s not Pinoy.

Cut ’em Down Group B:


And the win­ner is …

ai09_krisaSCREW YOU, AMERICA, YOU MADE THE WRONG CHOICE. Fast for­ward. This dude sucks!

Let’s wel­come back Brooke White! Gold star for her that she thinks her song is “catchy.” Ugh, the whole time Jesse L. was all talk talk talk talk I was like “She reminds me of some­one … who?” and I had bless­edly and bliss­fully for­got­ten our lit­tle Judy Greer here. Is it wrong that I kind of love her dress?

Cut ’em Down Group C:


SLASH AND BURN. Cut ’em Down Group C.5:


Oh, stop insult­ing me. And the win­ner is …

ai09_adamlAnd the loser is … us! Well, since we were clearly screwed side­ways with cal­cu­lated, spirit-​numbing “flam­boy­ance” and “out­ra­geous­ness,” it might as well be the dude who knows more than one song. Bonus: He’s much funnier.

Sigh. At least I have EG Daily: Red Edition to root for. Time out for a palate cleanser:

The other five would need to get the Ebola virus in order to gen­uinely enter­tain me. Bye now!

5 comments to I did hear you go for it and bring what you brought.

  • Pieman

    Oh man, this show is so tedious. I watched Wednesday, but I only flicked over dur­ing com­mer­cials while watch­ing Survivor. Up with People was AWESOME! Truly hideous.

    I think I con­cur with most of your thoughts right down to “there’s no way that red-​headed girl is 16!”

    Why do the judges like that creepy Adam? My wife can’t even watch him. She leaves the room when he comes on the television.

    My wife thought that divorced girl with the tat­toos was wear­ing a bed­spread. What the hell was that? And the spas­modic danc­ing? Really? They liked that? Ugh.

    How did Kris the generic white dude get through? He wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t par­tic­u­larly good either. Without ever hav­ing seen him before, how did he amass the vot­ing power to get through? He must have a lot of Facebook friends.

    What about the video mon­tage with Elliot’s mom, though?

  • Pieman

    Oh yeah, Hat Man Von Smith next week, people!

  • jane

    This makes Britney Spears’ “Satisfaction” sound like “Jesus Built My Hotrod.”

    I can’t even fin­ish, because I started read­ing this and now I can’t stop cry­ing. Coworkers are call­ing the authorities.

  • OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! you said “Jesus Built My Hotrod.” … now THAT is “{{{{my}}}} wed­ding song!!!!!!!” ;-) ohh­h­h­hhh that brought tears to my eyes, and warmth to my heart! ahh­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­hhh “ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long…ding dang a dong bong bing bong” … now if those aren’t Gibby Haynes and Al Jourgensen lyrics to live by… well… then I don’t know what is! THANK YOU Jane and THANK YOU Lady-​of-​the-​RUBY-​TRAXXX… i love you both so, and so both you love! ;-) I love gett’n “JUST ONE FIXXX” from this IDOL-​beauty BLOG! xo xo :el fano:

  • Tammy

    We call Adam “Wicked Elf” because he looks like an elf, and used to tour in the musi­cal Wicked. Plus, he’s a wicked elf.

    I’m a fan of generic white boy… sorry!