idol

Start your own parade

Sup dawgs. Tonight I’ve had two dou­ble dirrty mar­ti­nis and four bot­tles of Gordon Biersch, one each from the Variety Pak™ offered by Costco. The one with the yel­low label is really good! It’s all, like, flow­ery and stuff. Anyway, I think I’m now in the best pos­si­ble state to com­ment on this week’s “American Idol” pro­ceed­ings.
Honey, I’m sorry. It was fun while it lasted. Going by your per­for­mance vs. Fantasia’s on Tuesday, I would have voted for you, and that is the Lord’s hon­est truth, if only because not only that your out­fit was adorable from the chest up, but also because “Weekend in New England” is bom­bass. I mean, it’s not like it even says “Weekend in New England” in the whole song, and yet that is the title!!! You know what I am say­ing?!?! My mom and I were chat­ting vis-​a-​vis “AI” the other day and we were lament­ing re: Fantasia and Jennifer, in which we could see that while they were tal­ented, they were obvi­ously the least like­able of all the con­tes­tants. Fantasia because she thinks she’s super­great and doesn’t need any­one, and Jennifer because she’s been in the bot­tom three so much that she’s got a gigan­tic chip on her shoul­der. “You’re so cute, Jennifer.” “SHUT UP. I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK. I DON’T NEED YOUR CHARITY.” You know, just like me when I was 15. So yeah, this is not a sur­prise, although it’s sad, because you know who sucks it? Oh yes, you know.
“One Voice”? “One” F-​ing “Voice”? You must be sh-​ing me. I felt like I was in choir class again. You know, choir class when I was in junior high school, in 1982. I hate this creepy lit­tle monkey-​ass freak.
Listen, dawg, I was ter­ri­fied when they said he was doing “Mandy,” because it sounded like the worst of all pos­si­ble worlds, but you know some­thing? He DID HIS THING. He LAID IT DOWN. At least before the sec­ond verse, where it all began to fall apart. But he was doing that whole “John Davidson Show” thing where he was TELLING a STORY, man, and I had to stop myself and say, “Oh my God, this rules.” But then it started suck­ing again. So I can’t say that he deserves to be here over Jennifer H., nec­es­sar­ily, but over Diana D.? As “Stone Cold” Steve Austin would say, oh hell yeah. Man, who keeps vot­ing Diana in??? I hate her!!!
He was hor­ri­ble. Horrible. Horrible. So I can’t express any excite­ment over him still being around because he is let­ting us all down. Although the other day we were out hav­ing din­ner and Christopher did this impres­sion of George find­ing out he was “safe” for the week and I almost fell over and passed out, it was so hilar­i­ously awe­some. You should ask him to do it next time you see him, really.
Yeah, you know, what­ever. “Summertime” was really pretty great, but that wasn’t this week, was it? NOOOOO
I couldn’t remem­ber her name just now! That’s the drink talk­ing. Anyway, honey, you’re no Rita Coolidge. Maybe you should’ve worn a head­band? Anyway, keep ya head up my sis­ter.
Zzzzz I really don’t care.

4 comments to Start your own parade

  • Kim

    I Made It Through the Rain” by Barry Manilow

  • pieman

    I think maybe Mr. Trax needs to make a lit­tle video of his George Huff impres­sion, yo dawg.

  • Yes, CRZ rep­re­sent. George has kind of killed it for me these past two weeks (thought I didn’t HATE “Against All Odds,” and I could have, because it is my most favorite song ever, prov­ing once again that QT is a damn fool.)
    And word ‘em up, I had my hands over my face winc­ing wait­ing for “Mandy” (though I lived through Clay singing “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” so maybe I can sur­vive any­thing), and it ended up being not at all bad to start. Then he slipped. Ah well. At least I could rec­og­nize the song, and that wasn’t hap­pen­ing much that night. I am look­ing for George to step it up this week. Come on, George. Also, even if Jasmine blows, I was so happy to be able to sing over her. I just never get enough chances in life to sing “I’ll Never Love This Way Again.”

  • Kim

    I didn’t hate “Against All Odds” either. I thought it was good that at least he was “chang­ing it up” with­out any­one hav­ing to tell him to do some­thing out­side his usual style first, but then every­one hated it because he didn’t “do his thing” and we were really quite shocked. He was just bring­ing the artis­tic integrity but the happy smi­ley man never gets any respect. At least he wasn’t doing a frig­ging Disney song. QT is a freak.
    “I’ll Never Love This Way Again”~~~~~ Also I wish some­one did “I Made It Through the Rain” as you would guess from the post title. So I just sang it myself. I hate “One Voice” so much. Although maybe it is just because it reminds me of school choir.
    I think John IV needs to have Barry as a spir­i­tual adviser every week, because I don’t think I can go back to watch­ing him be horrific.