idol

If I’m being per­fectly hon­est with you, [blank]

I know I didn’t do it last year. My heart wasn’t in it, or it was too much work, or I hated every­one, or I don’t know. I guess I thought it was a wasted effort, which, you know, it kind of is.
But I really really need to get some­thing to get me writ­ing again, with no more of this two-posts-a-month-(about-Brad Miller) non­sense, and in the absence of a new In the Kingdom of the Blind in my life — ack, that was actu­ally a year ago?! — I guess it’s got to be Idol.
At least Chris keeps yelling at me: “DO IT. DOOOO IIIIIT!” because, see, the hor­ror is, he’s been really busy watch­ing “Deal or No Deal.” That show actu­ally plays on a TV in our house. This is a sad fact of life, and I feel that by admit­ting it in a pub­lic forum I am well on my way to recov­ery, as though Detective Olivia Benson is right here say­ing, “I promise you every­thing is going to be OK … just tell us who did this to you.” And I believe her.
So yeah, Idol. Is it my imag­i­na­tion, or are there a lot of really porny peo­ple this sea­son? Even the chil­dren. I don’t get it. Also, I hate prac­ti­cally every­one, which should make this a really excit­ing year. Tonight was so awful, I needed to watch the new Yacht Rock just to muster up the courage and inspi­ra­tion to sol­dier on.
I don’t know even where to start with this, so I guess I’ll start with the peo­ple who are gone.
Patrick
I’m not going to miss Patrick, but I am going to miss “Patrick’s Friends,” a.k.a. David Gest and Amanda Lepore. DID YOU SEE THEM?!?! Oh my GOD, they were nutra­geous. When that one dude did the awful “Crazy Little Thing Called Love,” I kept rewind­ing to them and paus­ing on them to dull the pain. They were FANTASTIC. Oh well. No more “Patrick’s Friends.” You left us far too soon. I’m pour­ing out a lit­tle crazy juice for you.

Bobby
Hey, you know what? No.

Stevie
Aww, Stevie. Remember Stevie? She was nice, Stevie. I knew she was his­tory before the show even started. I feel bad. Sorry, Stevie!

Becky
I am so relieved she’s gone, because I don’t know how long I would have been able to come up with new “Nightcap” plot descrip­tions, as week after week Nikki Fritz’s sexy cousin Tawny (Becky O’Donohue) sur­prises the “Nightcap” gang with a sexy per­for­mance in the club … and a sexy secret is revealed! Vic: Scott Duc. Thaddeus: Trevor Dean. Seriously, this lady has Beeftink writ­ten all over her.

- — - — -

OK, now there are a bunch of ladies, and many of them kind of run together into a big blur. And please please please stop with the Faith Hill songs. Just stop it. Stop stop stoooop. I don’t even know they’re actu­ally Faith Hill songs and yet I know they’re Faith Hill songs. Stop stop stop stooooop you are all putting me to sleep please stop.
Heather
Who’s this lady again? Oh yeah, she has a rack. NEXT

Katharine
When she real­izes she has the stage pres­ence of a drunk zom­bie poo­dle, she is going to be very sad and “lose her smile” or some­thing. Seriously, between her, Crazy Smile Man and Flaming Lips Reject, this is like a ban­ner year for the dis­abled. Did you actu­ally lis­ten to her this week? White girl, cease with the riff­ing. You are an embar­rass­ment. Otherwise, you seem nice and I feel bad you have a stage mom and I’m sorry I’m say­ing all these hor­ri­ble things about you. :-*

Paris
That hon­ey­moon sure ended quick. I can’t say it much bet­ter than was said here: “The song is ‘Midnight Train to Georgia,’ not ‘C’mon Ride the Train.’”

Ayla
If I learn noth­ing else from Idol this year, I have learned the key to becom­ing more of a lady is a) tank tops (tank tooops! holla!) and b) an F-​ton of blush. She reminds me of the “Home Movies” episode where Melissa just kept putting on more and more makeup until Paula had to make an inter­ven­tion. She is on a fast track to a diet pill addic­tion or secret cut­ting.

Melissa
I like her! I really do! Even though she was look­ing way too porny this week! I like her! She’s got­ten shafted by the pre-​competition edit­ing process! I can relate! I like her! I fear her out­fits! But I like her!

Brenna
I want to love you, but you make it so dif­fi­cult.

Kinnik
I thought she was like 40 years old last week. Poor thing. I liked her bet­ter this week but that is really, really not say­ing much of any­thing. I … I have noth­ing else to say about her. That’s bad for busi­ness!

Ace
Oops, not tech­ni­cally a girl. Hold up

Lisa
HEY! HEY EVERYBODY! DID YOU KNOW LISA WAS INTHE LION KING”? By which I mean A STAGE PRODUCTION OFTHE LION KINGTHAT WAS PRODUCED ON A STAGESOMEWHERE? SHE WAS! SHE WAS INTHE LION KING”! SHE IS 16 AND TALENTED BEYOND HER YEARS! DID YOU KNOW THAT? SHE LOOKS LIKE AALIYAH WITH BAD HAIR! SHE WI-​I-​I-​I-​LL BE SHE WILL BE FREE-​E-​E-​E-​E-​E-​E-​E-​E-​E-​E

Mandisa
If she sings a Jim Steinman song next week, I will pee myself.

Kellie
My secret shame: I’ve bought into it. I have. The whole I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout nuthin’ but sin­gin’ aww my daydee’s in lockup etc. Shameful. I need a time out.

- — - — -

Now there are some guys, and I don’t think I can describe them any bet­ter than my mom, who calls them “a sim­ple bunch of sim­ple­tons.” My mom is a genius.
Ace
Hello Benetint II. Ugh. I hate this guy. Everything that comes out of his mouth makes me ster­ile. Pack up your Daniel Bedingfield and gooooo.

Elliott
This guy is a badass. This guy rules. He made one of the Felonious Twins hate him. He is a genius. He’s the only per­son I could see myself maybe plac­ing a vote for if I ever found myself in a really, really dark, empty place, the kind of dark, empty place that can only be found deep inside the anti­soul of some­one who has noth­ing else to do with their time than cast Idol votes. (Yeah, I’ve done it. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I KNOW. Shut up.)

Bucky
Just not that good. Is his daydee in lockup? I don’t see any other rea­son to keep him around.

Sway
After tonight, I can­not rep you, my Filipino brother. I’m sorry, but no. I SAID NO.

Gedeon
Oh my God, Crazy Smile Man. This dude trips me out. I think he’s an alien. He speaks like an autist. His voiceovers are bananas. I’d keep him around just for that. Bravo, Crazy Smile Man!

David
Please make it stop.

Chris
Everyone’s all ooh ahh and I’m like dude what­ever. Also: PORNY. Look at him. It’s GROSS. Also, eew, Fuel?! Fuel?! Are you high?! Ask Jane to tell you her Fuel story the next time you see her. There may be a CROTCH in it!

Kevin
Lord, why do You test me like this? What did I do?! Seriously, what did I do?!

Will
Did you hear some­one scream­ing NO-​O-​O-​O-​O-​O-​O-​O-​O-​O-​O ear­lier tonight? That was me after this dude said he was singing “Lady.“

Taylor
This is Flaming Lips Reject. That’s what I called him from Show One and that’s what he is. Look at him. Now, I was raised to be a good girl. I was taught the men­tally and phys­i­cally dis­abled were not put here for my enter­tain­ment. I now know that shit is 100 per­cent correct.

2 comments to If I’m being per­fectly hon­est with you, [blank]

  • pieman

    That’s what I’m talk­ing about!
    Thank you so much for your take on Idol. I thought I was going crazy, but it seems I am not.
    Ace is a girl. No cor­rec­tion needed there.
    I like Kellie. Check.
    I like Mandisa. Check.
    I like Chris. Sorry but he stands out from this pack of crap.
    I like the Flaming Lips Reject because he looks like he’s hav­ing fun and doesn’t know any bet­ter. I bet he rode the short bus.
    Elliot needs to fix some teeth, but other than that, he’s the best singer here.
    Kim — please keep doing this.

  • Oh my God, “Lady.” I feel some­how that work sent that mag­i­cally to pun­ish us both. Also, Fuel needs a singer. My almost-​babydads totally left the band.