Since you gotta go, oh, you had bet­ter go now

ElliottYou know, I was all set for him to go last week, so I sup­pose I can’t feel too bad. But can I any­way?
I guess I need to elab­o­rate.
First of all, it’s no secret that I con­sider this guy to be badass, and cer­tainly this is comes as some­thing of a sur­prise in the American Idol con­text. Not just that, but that I liked him from the begin­ning, yet he not only did not find a way to annoy me but also some­how man­aged to develop in awe­some­ness over the course of the show. He’s a DJ, he sounds like Lyrics Born when he talks, he was doing songs for tha headz and yet he kept com­ing back. Maybe there was a lit­tle bit too much “the world as seen by Donny Hathaway” but you take the good where you can get it. And because he man­aged to stick around on this show as long as he did, you might almost begin to believe Mr. and Ms. America wel­comed these con­cepts into their lives. This is the sort of thing that can make a per­son encour­aged about, like, peo­ple an’ music an’ the world an’ shit.
So in spite of all this, LAST week, I thought he was doomed before the show even started, right? Just because the odds, they were stacked, and I am a pes­simistic lady. Yet he emerged some­how undaunted by the dual assault of Priscilla “Lady Cryptkeeper” Presley and “Creepy” Tommy Mottola (I for one was hav­ing dif­fi­culty cop­ing), and he went and absolutely shamed, shamed, shamed every­body else on the show, maybe ever on the show. And I was like, “Aw dang, please don’t send him home.” And then they didn’t and I was like, whew.
And then … you know. You know. I hate to sit and accept that despite my emo­tional invest­ment he didn’t have a chance to take it all the way, as in ALL THE all the way, but if I can get over the Kings at play­off time (I’m still pro­cess­ing this trauma), clearly I can believe maybe this guy isn’t too upset right now and I shouldn’t be either.
Besides, that American Idol mess is restric­tive. Sure you win, and we all like win­ning, but in a month peo­ple kinda for­get that. I will be one of them. Who wants to come back next year and hear Clive Davis* blah­blah­blah about how you’re Making Things Happen In A Major Way (kill me now)? The true test of awe­some is in not becom­ing, say, George Huff II. (Preemptive apolo­gies to my hus­band.) I think he can han­dle it. And with that, I feel a cer­tain sense of peace about this out­come. There is a Greater Plan at work here. I can feel it.
But it … still … hurts. Ah well.
The truly hot part in all this is he got sent out on a) this gigan­tor emo­tional wave crest b) with full hon­ors c) like a con­quer­ing hero, d) doing “I Believe (You’re Trying to Make a Fool Out of Me)” for cry­ing out loud, when if this hap­pened next week they’d just kinda nudge him off the stage and hide him in con­fetti.
Do I wish that out­come on any­one?
Yes. Oh hell yes I do.
Hooker Prom Prepare your­self, for I had a some­what ter­ri­fy­ing dark-​side moment of clar­ity last week. This is on the level of that fate­ful day in 1993 when I finally accepted, then admit­ted, that yes, I did indeed like Stone Temple Pilots. (A fright­en­ing yet lib­er­at­ing expe­ri­ence, I might add.)
Ladies and gen­tle­men, my true feel­ings … my true feel­ings may SHOCK you.
I believe some­one in that pic­ture, that GHA-​A-​A-​ASTLY pic­ture, actu­ally deserves to win this thing, as in win–win, as much as for “if you want it that bad, jeez, help your­self” as for “I guess peo­ple actu­ally like what you do, so we’re stuck with you no mat­ter what” and maybe a lit­tle bit of “I guess your mere exis­tence won’t actu­ally give me a hor­ri­ble, debil­i­tat­ing dis­ease as pre­vi­ously thought.“
Guess which one it is?
Well, it’s not the one who shows up each week dressed like she’s queen of the hooker prom.
Hooker StewardessHOE SIT DOWN. On the floor. Out of my sight.
I mean for God’s sake. That’s right, I said G-​O-​D. Look at that out­fit. LOOK AT IT. What the HELL is going ON there? Is that a win­dow to her gyne­co­log­i­cal func­tions? Is this from the new Jaclyn Smith for Kmart Show Your Lady Business col­lec­tion? Did she rip the jacket open on a door­latch and decide to triage that crap shut with a Fruit Roll-​Up? That is … that is the fash­ion equiv­a­lent of blunt force trauma. It is a Cow Tragedy. And she does this every week!
There’s no other way to say it: This woman is delu­sional. Her devo­lu­tion into a patho­log­i­cal dis­grace over the course of this show trumps even Clay Aiken’s, and that’s really say­ing some­thing (bop-​bop shoo-​be-​doo-​wah).
The joy I get from her agi­ta­tion at being GASP! HOW DOST THOU DAREST CRITICIZE! is like over­shad­owed by her shame­less, unbri­dled gloat­ing. Maybe I exag­ger­ate. Is it even pos­si­ble to enjoy the way she makes “ugh” faces when­ever some­one dares not only make a crit­i­cal com­ment about her, but per­haps sound as though they are prepar­ing to voice a crit­i­cal com­ment? Crazy Ass Paula just goes “but …” and she was already like PFHUH. UNGH. LOOK OF DISGUST. Good gra­cious, woman, learn some restraint.
Also, this may be tak­ing it a lit­tle too far and I’m sorry, I’M SORRY, but does her dad creep you out a lit­tle bit? Yes? Not just me? OK.
Hooker BleahSo yes, I will remem­ber this week’s elim­i­na­tion show for many things, not the least of which are the home­town pack­ages show­ing how the two guys had thou­sands of peo­ple show up for them, parades, entire towns shut down, peo­ple cry­ing and freak­ing out and all that hot stuff just to cel­e­brate their very exis­tence, while this one over here had a BBQ in someone’s back­yard and then got felt up by some 15-​year-​olds. Then whined about it.
I’m just say­ing.

So that leaves … uh. Yeah.
Are You JokingCaptain Ham Panders, I salute you. I have given up. I truly have. That is not to say I sur­ren­der, because I don’t.
I’m not going to accept some­one who makes faces between verses like he’s just puked in his mouth and is try­ing to hold it back. I will not cel­e­brate any­one who so read­ily embraces the “poop squat” as a valid stage move. And I will not stop gasp­ing in won­der and antic­i­pa­tion when this per­son goes into his uncalled-​for spazz danc­ing, because it brings to mind the hail of bul­lets at the end of Bonnie and Clyde and, if only for a moment, I believe I am wit­ness­ing his on-​air exe­cu­tion. Plus I still think he looks like a demented old lady when he smiles. Shudder.
But if these are the two evils I’m left with, he is the lesser indeed. And he may be entirely harm­less. Maybe.
See, going into last week, my great­est fear was suf­fer­ing through a Capt. Panders inter­pre­ta­tion of “In the Ghetto” (fear real­ized) but instead of being dis­gusted and mor­ti­fied, I didn’t have the energy to be either. Actually, I just kind of came out of it think­ing, well, at least he tried.
He’s a smart guy for act­ing like such an idiot. He does his stu­pid pan­der­ing moron rou­tine for the peo­ple who like that, and ohhh they like that. Then he gets all seri­ous, man, because he’s like deliv­er­ing a mes­sage through his art and you’re like, wow, it’s like when Robin Williams grows facial hair and he’s sud­denly an Actor!
What can I do? I ain’t the one to stop him. People like him. People will sup­port him. So, what­ever. Fine. At least he’s not truly offen­sive 100 per­cent of the time.
It’s not right, but for the pur­poses of our exper­i­ment, I guess it’s OK.
Ugh. I can’t believe I said that. I guess the flip side is if he fails mis­er­ably, I could poten­tially find enjoy­ment in that.
There you have it: endgame. We’re stuck with this guy no mat­ter what, so we might as well make it legal.
I feel I’ve come a long way, America. You should all be proud of my jour­ney.
*C.D. IS THE DEVIL. He flat-​out sab­o­taged Elliott with that No. 1 karaōke-​ass song choice. Don’t get me wrong, I love that song and every­thing, but that was still some No. 1 karaōke-​ass shit. I read Hit Men, I KNOW what you’re about mister.

3 comments to Since you gotta go, oh, you had bet­ter go now

  • Kim

    Go Now” par les Moody Blues

  • pieman

    Now that’s what I’m talk­ing about!
    Thanks for the thoughts on AI.
    I think you’re dead-​on about Elliott. In a nicer, not so shal­low world, he would have won the whole thing, but he’s going to be fine.
    My wife and I are still dig­ging Taylor. He just looks like he enjoys what he’s doing.
    Katherine’s true col­ors come out more and more each week and I really hope she loses.
    I missed your com­men­tary on such lumi­nar­ies as Kelly Pickler and Ace Young. They would have been ter­rific, I’m sure.

  • Kim

    I’ll get back to all those kids next week in “honor” of the finale. Honest.