idol

I made it through the rain

Did you cry a lit­tle? Did you?

E and MJ

You know I did. P.S. look how cute. And tiny! I don’t agree with the “I’m hav­ing a bronzer issue” tank top but what­ever. One love y’all.
I don’t even know where to begin, between Clay Aiken’s emo makeover, David Hasselhoff weep­ing openly after the totally not sur­pris­ing results were announced or Kellie per­form­ing with her fly half open, I was just DAZZLED by ENTERTAINMENT all night long with this show. The results show, that is. The actual per­for­mance show pretty much blew.
OK OK OK. You did hear Katharine say that she likes to be “on the ground” after that first song, right? I didn’t imag­ine it? OK. This brings me to the first of four Amazing Things I Learned While Watching the American Idol Finale.
1) We now know where Katharine learned how to dress like the token white girl at the player’s ball.
Creepy ParentsEew Girl Eew
I mean good Lord, that is a dis­gust­ing mess. PUT THOSE AWAY, SCARY STAGE MOM. OH! You know who also thinks the dad is a lit­tle too creepy? MY OWN DAD. “It’s not right, the way he looks at her,” he said, totally with­out me even bring­ing up, because he is a smart, smart man. “There’s … there’s some­thing going on there.” And then he did this awe­some impres­sion of his creepy cry­ing face. Oh! I wish you could have seen it.

If you watched the stun­ningly low-​rent red car­pet spe­cial before the show, you could have enjoyed the Good Morning L.A. crew try­ing to fig­ure out how best to point out this phe­nom­e­non to Slutty Mom and Creepy Crying Dad. “Fathers every­where will also be sob­bing as they watch the emo­tional beauty of your daughter’s beauty and emo­tion!” or some­thing. More like fathers every­where will be sob­bing, wish­ing they could be lin­ing up to hit that. Disgusting.
Clay BogutAndrew Bogut
2) Clay Aiken is appar­ently a closet Andrew Bogut fan. (Bad pun. I’m sorry.) Actually I thought this whole seg­ment was pretty awe­some. I’d actu­ally got­ten up to go to the kitchen when this started because I hate those crappy-​contestants-​return things. Bless you, DVR inven­tor.

A Dog Without Warning
3) There is a place where we all can go to freely get our freak on, and that place is … “In the Ghetto.” What. The. What. Who? Huh? Toni needs a pay­check. Toni was beam­ing in her per­for­mance with an appar­ent satel­lite delay cen­tered some­where around Jupiter. I’m sorry, but “In the Ghetto” is not about being a freak in heat, nor is it about being a dog with­out warn­ing. This was just wrong. Wrooooong. (And hilar­i­ous!)
Meat And Karla Ii
4) Katharine is the 2K Karla DeVito. Not Celine Dion, as the song choice would sug­gest. Not even Ellen Foley (I believe that dis­tinc­tion goes to Kelly Clarkson). Karla DeVito. I pride myself on being able to fig­ure out things with­out being beaten over the head first, but in this case, I kept miss­ing the sig­nals until Idol shoved them down my throat and choked me with them. The bonus is in the pub­lic humil­i­a­tion of the con­tes­tant involved. Thanks, Idol!

Seriously. Meat Loaf? I fell out my chair. Nothing against Meat Loaf. I have a great deal of respect for Meat Loaf. Yes, I do. But see­ing him out there spas­ming his way around some­one who clearly believes she deserves bet­ter and is des­per­ately try­ing to sal­vage some sem­blance of her loath­some pride was absolutely invig­o­rat­ing. She actu­ally looked as though some­one had to forcibly shove her out on stage à la Gina and the cock­roaches on ANTM. That’s good TV.
Really, the show was like one huge joke on Katharine, and the Meat Loaf duet was the punch­line. Making Mandisa the show­piece of the all-​girl Up With People med­ley was right up there, too. And the “please, no wide shot … for the love of God” of the “home­town crowd” seg­ment at the top of the show … actu­ally, it was all one big punch­line, and the joke was that she didn’t have a chance in win­ning and had to keep fake-​smiling through it all. Justin Guarini and Diana DiGarmo prob­a­bly had closer calls than she did. Again, good TV.
Thankfully, the final also gives me an oppor­tu­nity to play catch-​up on a few things I missed out on yap­ping about when they were, you know, timely.
Such as eew, girl, eew.
Return Of The Wack

Return of the Wack. Oh my God! Ace was not about to let us for­get those shoul­der pads. I can’t believe he busted them out again last night. And I mean busted. Eew. You may recall he was dressed like a Skinemax “Best Sex Ever” char­ac­ter for the per­for­mance that got him booted, and jus­ti­fi­ably so. I drunk­enly expounded on this that night at Staraoke with much more elo­quence than I could pos­si­bly muster here, but between the 1992 Structure suit and the slicked-​back pony­tail, he was appar­ently audi­tion­ing for the part of the high-​powered ad exec­u­tive who wants to get his wife to have a three­some but can’t find the right third party, when all the while we know his prim and proper sex­c­etary is actu­ally a FREAK! behind those glasses and uptight hair­dos. Grotesque. Now he’s back in the zoot suit and ham­ming it up. Or should I say HAM-​ming it up. When Slutty McGhee (still like her!) came out to sing with him, I thought the TV was going to com­bust in a porn explo­sion, com­plete with “24”-style tick­ing clock. Too bad Jack Bauer is tied up on a slow boat to China (lit­er­ally!) because this man must be STOPPED.
The Hottening
Elliott Yamin: The Hottening. The styl­ists behind the scenes at AI spared absolutely no expense in the lengths they went to to fox the man up. It’s genius. Genius, I tell you. I sus­pected there was some den­tal drama going on some­where around Elvis week, but I didn’t even really notice how dras­tic his whole glam­or­iza­tion was until his send­off video pack­age. He doesn’t look that dif­fer­ent, just some­how mag­i­cally fox­i­fied. Brings a tear to my eye, it does. “Tears of joy,” as he’d say.

Seriously, take a look at these meat racks and tell me he’s not the hottest one in the bunch. I mean it.
Take Your Pick
Take Your Pick II

Ugh. That reminds me the creepy Kevin ren­di­tion of “What’s New Pussycat?” will pro­vide the sound­track to my worst night­mares for years to come. Just when I’d for­got­ten he’d even existed. DAMN YOU IDOL!
Jesus Save Us
What the World Needs Now Is Another Active Rock® Singer Like I Need a Hole in My Head. I hope AI vot­ers real­ize what a great ser­vice they pro­vided our nation by elim­i­nat­ing this cheese­whiz as soon as they did. The only redeem­ing part of this mess was when the philoso­pher Ryan Seacrest said he couldn’t tell the guys apart after­ward. Yeah, no shit. Ahem, Live? Seriously, Live? Is that the best the world has to offer us? I say no. No, no, no, no, thanks, no. Go back into your hidey-​hole with your bare chests and camp­fires. I hate you.
I’m a lit­tle sad I never got to share my glee when he got ousted, on what may have been the BEST IDOL RESULTS SHOW EVER, because it goes to show where the path of least resis­tance can get you. Dude was sooo bor­ing Elvis week. Sooo bor­ing. Boooring. I guess there weren’t too many ‘90s col­lege rock Elvis cov­ers he could rip off emu­late, or every­thing on The Last Temptation of Elvis was just too edgy. Also he looked like he just rolled in off his last stop on his bike mes­sen­ger route for the day. Nice sun­glasses. Nice … talk­ing about your under­wear. Ugh. Please. You’d think he was try­ing to get kicked off if he didn’t look so dis­gusted when it hap­pened. And that ruled!
Whew. Thassit. Now I’m gonna go lis­ten to my “Moody’s Mood for Love” I bought off iTunes. I DID! Yeah I did. First actual cash money I’ve ever spent on Idol. Honest!
(OK, I do have the “A Moment Like This” sin­gle, but Chris found it in the Dumpster.)

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