I don’t like you tonight

AI07. Oh it’s on bitches. I’m gonna need a lot of hot but­ter for all the corn that’s pop­ping on this TV.
Tonight Paula Abdul looks like a dwarf Ann-​Margret ca. 1983.
Ai07 Rudy
Oh Rudy, Rudy no, Rudy Rudy no nooooo no. I can no longer get behind the Latino Gary Lewis action you are rock­ing. If I was really moti­vated I’d tran­scribe the per­for­mance because I’m fairly cer­tain half the lyrics were not actual words and it would be hilar­i­ous. I mean it’s “Free Ride,” and it’s not like the word “on” is dif­fi­cult to pro­nounce. The name Jackie Rogers Jr. comes to mind. This is not going well.

Ai07 Brandon
What up smoove. Oh, noth­ing, I’m bored. I want to root for you but you bore me. What is the point of peo­ple tuck­ing in one side of their shirt­tail but not the other, by the way? I hate that. I mean the button’s always too high above the waist­band and there’s a gap and it’s gross. Also I hate the YOURE NOT A BACKGROUND SINGER ANYMORE! theme this year. Over it.

Ai07 Sundance
Oh yes, some HAM to go with this corn. This dude hasn’t done any­thing to me per­son­ally or any­thing, but I actively dis­like him and don’t know why he’s here. P.S. “you” is not pro­nounced “yo” and “Nights in White Satin” is not a jig, and the human skin­tone should not be flu­o­res­cent pink-​orange. When you make Ryan’s fake tan look nat­ural, there is some­thing very wrong.

Ai07 Paul
Yes? No. NO. Oh wow, he doesn’t wear shoes, what a remark­able talk­ing point, like Ace and his magic hats. His par­ents are cute. His singing is ter­ri­ble. NEEDS IMPROVEMENT!

Ai07 Chris
Hi! Um … you seem nice. You sing Elliott songs, how­ever not as well. But um … you seem nice! Hi! I like you. I hope AI hooks you up with some Proactiv.

Ai07 Nick
I kept think­ing they must have been hold­ing back this guy being awe­some or some­thing for all his BACKSTORY and his GETTING ANOTHER SHOT and blah blah but I never thought he was that good from what they showed and my mind has not been changed. I mean snore, my man. Wicked accent though.

Ai07 Blake
Ugh. UGH. My Keane smokes this guy’s Keane. My Keane makes actual peo­ple weep from the RAW EMOTION. This sucked and I’m out­raged that the judges thought it was not just good but great? This was SO BAD. SO BAD. I can’t get over how bad. Also this dude needs to quit point­ing at me. SO BAD.

Ai07 Sanjaya
Ohhh wispy wispy wispy. I miss the choco­late milk mous­tache. The dude’s hair is awe­some though. Nice choker. That last part was sar­cas­tic. Remember when Elliott sang this and it was awe­some? This was not awe­some.

Ai07 Chriss
If he makes it to the final, can he get teamed up with Flo and Eddie? I would love that. He’s one of those peo­ple that I like to the total sur­prise of my own self but would likely make me hate him on a dime and he came close to that tonight. I’m tired of peo­ple mouthing off to Simon and in such an obvi­ously pre­vi­ously rehearsed fash­ion. BORING.

Ai07 Jared
Hey smoove. What’s hap­pen­ing. This dude is OK. Too much point­ing though. I don’t like these strangers point­ing at me. I DON’T KNOW YOU.

Ai07 Aj
Lemon fresh. SASSY. The zest is phe­nom­e­nal. I … I have noth­ing else to say but damn, that was zesty. I mean that in the best pos­si­ble way.

Ai07 Phil
Clearly what the world needs is a bald Donovan Leitch. When they did that whole thing with the baby and all that on the audi­tion show this was me at my TV: “OH SHUT UP.” But the dude’s a sailor. I can’t hate on a sailor. Also he seems not annoy­ing and his wife is cute and this started off so bad and then he got good so fair enough. He needs a hat like that other dude needs shoes though.

Ugh. Bleak. I miss Elliott. *sob*

2 comments to I don’t like you tonight

  • pieman

    That’s what I’m talk­ing about! Way to bring it, Kim!
    I liked the Keane dude, even with­out the beat­boxin’. I liked the last guy, too. That was it. Bald Sailor and Beat box Guy. The rest can go home now. Putrid.

  • pieman

    How is this not cross-​posted at your husband’s web­home? That needs to be done!