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Try not to be so crappy

Title cour­tesy the philo­soph­i­cal crit­i­cal mind of Neon Fat Dude (NFD).
I hope some­one does “I Sit Down When I Pee” because it is totally stuck in my head today. There are some dudes wear­ing stu­pid hats tonight. None of them are bald Donovan Leitch, who con­tin­ues to need a hat des­per­ately, stu­pid or not. Oh guess who’s first?
Ai07 Phil
His shirt is ill fit­ting in a clingy and weird way. He reminds me of that Fuzztones video in the insane asy­lum. Like he’d be a fake insane dude who would be in a music video in a fake insane asy­lum. Is he pear-​shaped? I don’t get it. You know, a HAT would bal­ance that out.

Ai07 Jared
“My suit here, this is how I’m doin’ it, you know.” Hey smoove, word. Oh no, “Let’s Get It On”?! This is ill-​advised. Yes, this song works great with awk­ward point­ing ges­tures and stiff hop­ping around. Nice white sneak­ers with that suit. Um, I got noth­ing else. Is he rub­bing his face?! I need to fast-​forward through this or I might go ster­ile.

Ai07 Aj
PLEASE MAKE THIS SHOW WORTHWHILE. Oh man. This is zesta­l­i­cious and full of Raw Emotion. Do the lasso! Oh, A.J., bless you. It’s all down­hill from here.

Ai07 Sanjaya
Is there a pic­ture of this out­fit some­place? Because if you haven’t seen it, you need to see it. His face just keeps sink­ing, like he’s real­iz­ing he can’t grasp the com­plex­ity of “step­pin’ out with my baby” and doesn’t under­stand why those words are com­ing out of his mouth. Simon breaks out “ghastly.” And he even pulled his hair back. THE HAIR IS ALL YOU HAVE. Ugh! I don’t know what to do with these kids any­more.

Ai07 Chriss
Aww, he’s mar­ried. That’s cute, because he does look like he’s 15. He’s been saved by a woman! He’s SEXING IT UP. Should I know what this song is? Ray LaMontagne? I don’t even know who that is. Oh yeah, that WAS a Taylor song from last year. This is bor­ing.

Ai07 Nick
This is OK in a 98 Degrees kind of way. He does kind of look like some­one at the bot­tom of the Lachey food chain. Aww, he’s a nice guy, even if all his pic­tures employ the “MySpace angle.” Oh wow, that fell apart quickly. Ack. At least he played it off … sort of. I won­der if any­one will vote for him now that they know he has a girl­friend.

Ai07 Blake
“Virtual Insanity,” ah well, I look for­ward to this totally suck­ing. NICE HAT. I need to find a pic­ture of that too, it looks like a shower cap with a brim (to the left, to the left). Oh no, beat­box­ing and a Jay Kay dance impres­sion. A DANCE IMPRESSION. Why do I hate this guy so much? He must remind me of some­one awful. Like HIMSELF. Simon is the voice of rea­son and calls him out on being a waste of time. I think we’re all in agreeance here. Sweet Jesus, he calls what he does “vocal enten­dres.” I have been jus­ti­fied.

Ai07 Brandon
Oh man, I totally thought this was “Lost in Love” when it started and then SHOCKING SWERVE, it is actu­ally “Time After Time.” It was bor­ing. He was try­ing to FEEL IT, he says. Paula felt his heart. I have noth­ing else to say about this.

Ai07 Chris
Haha, his pic­tures of his grandma are awe­some. She looks like she’d kill you as soon as look at you. He’s a lit­tle more Nick Carter than JT but I still like him OK. Dude needs to learn to project. Ugh, Jason Mraz. I guess every­one thought it was good? Yay?

Ai07 Sundance
I have a new name for this dude: BIG DUMP. Oh joy, “Mustang Sally.” By com­par­i­son he makes the Commitments sound like the black­est shit ever. His chest hair is dis­gust­ing. Randy says he “dropped a bomb on ‘em.” Oh, indeed.

Ugh. Maybe next week A.J. can do “Doo Dah Doo Doo.” That would make life worth living.

1 comment to Try not to be so crappy

  • pieman

    They kept say­ing it was so much bet­ter than last week, but you don’t have to be good to bet­ter last week.
    I kinda like Beatbox Guy.
    I also like Chris and his grandma.
    Sundance and Teen Hair need to be long gone.
    Actually, most of them could go home now and the show would be just fine with­out them.