Sun is shin­ing down on me in a titty thay

Eight guys are left! Why is this show an hour long? This one has his hair slicked down in an appar­ent attempt to make him look more like this one. They’re twins! Shitty, shitty twins. Everyone is mak­ing bad hair choices tonight. Big Dump is wear­ing some heavy-​duty anti-​rosacea pan­cake. I admire its strength. I could use that strength to get through this show.
Tonight’s theme: What don’t we know about you? The cor­rect answer can only be “That I am tal­ented.“
Ai07 Blake
Oh my God. What we don’t know is that he is an impro­vi­sa­tional come­dian. He per­forms as one of his “char­ac­ters,” com­plete with prop teeth and a wig and a WACKY HILLBILLY NAME. None of this helps his case. I guess impro­vi­sa­tional com­edy and “vocal enten­dres” don’t mix. Sweet Jesus, is this a Sublime song? Oh, 311. Same dif­fer­ence. There is some­thing going on in his pants area that sug­gests he is in the “bone zone.” Randy calls his per­for­mance “really cur­rent.” My research staff (hus­band) informs me this song is from 1996. Neither Randy nor Paula know what the song is. I envy them for hav­ing missed out on 311. And Sublime, too, why not. He says 311 is his favorite band. Every day I die a lit­tle bit more. A-​diggity-​riggity-​diggity-​die. It’s like this guy was engi­neered with no pur­pose other than to make me angry.

Ai07 Sanjaya
The choker is BACK. What we don’t know is that he can hula! Ohhhhh there he goes. Ohhh there he goes AGAIN. I ain’t putting the zest crown on you, I’m sorry. He sings “Waiting for the World to Change” a.k.a. the love theme from the episode of “C.S.I.” when Willows gets roofied. That’s the best thing I can say about this.

Ai07 Sundance
Two words: 1) faux­hawk; 2) eye­liner. What we don’t know is that he’s actu­ally not fat? Honestly, I believe that more than I believe Blake is a come­dian. Jeremy smoked in class today! Yes, words in Pearl Jam songs are HARD. I wish you could see Chris make faces dur­ing this show, it’s tremen­dous. Two out of three judges liked it. I miss Elliott so very, very much.

Ai07 Chris
What we don’t know is that he used to play foot­ball (ooh!) and be fat­ter (oh no!)–also that when he wears a hat, he looks like Frankie Muniz. That last bit of infor­ma­tion chills me to the very core of my being. I have no idea what this song is, but appar­ently it is by Keith Urban. It sounds like every­thing else I have ever ignored.

Ai07 Jared
Jared is for the ladies, y’all. What we don’t know is that he played Division II NCAA bas­ket­ball. Chris informs me this is not a real divi­sion, what­ever that means. Remember when Elliott did this song and it was awe­some? I miss Elliott. This guy is even more balls-​out spas­tic than usual. I need my meds! Paula is remark­ably con­struc­tive in her crit­i­cism. Clearly she was inspired to take her meds too.

Ai07 Brandon
What we don’t know is that he can play the piano, which really is like say­ing “Did you know I’m musi­cally tal­ented?” Now I’m just sad. He just wants to cel­e­brate another day of livin’! He kinda turned into Pootie Tang at one point, inspir­ing this entry’s title. Congratulations! That’s about the best I can do for you tonight, I’m sorry.

Ai07 Phil
He takes my advice and wears an Awful Hat. What we don’t know is that he used to have hair. No shit. They show a pic­ture of him with hair and it brings to mind when a ser­ial killer gets arrested and the only pic­ture they can dig up is like taken on a Kodak Disc so it’s all grainy and crappy and he’s way off to the side and par­tially cut off but it’s the ONLY pic­ture any­one can find of the guy, who just always kept to him­self and really seemed so nor­mal and they never thought he would be capa­ble of doing some­thing so ter­ri­ble, like this LeAnn Rimes song, appar­ently while imper­son­at­ing Cher. Now that’s what I call a show­stop­per!

Ai07 Chriss
Oh wait, there’s one more. What we don’t know is also some­thing about his hair, which I under­stand less than that other dude talk­ing about how he’s not fat. He attempts some micro­phone stand moves. They are awk­ward and poorly timed. Do I know this song? Do I care? Is he wear­ing a bot­tle opener around his neck? So many ques­tions. He apol­o­gizes for “not bring­ing it,” which is like, hi, wave a white flag.

I give up too. Tonight on “House,” Dave Matthews plays a guy who has a seizure while per­form­ing. WHAT A STRETCH! Am I right people?!

2 comments to Sun is shin­ing down on me in a titty thay

  • pieman

    Do you really make Chris watch this crap with you?
    Because I make my wife watch this crap with mem you know. She makes believe she’s drift­ing off to sleep, but I make sure I wake her up to see Chris Sligh’s hair. Yup.

  • Kim

    I should make it clear he does not actu­ally watch this show, but if he is in earshot, I mean, he can’t *not* react to “Jeremy smoked in class today” or, say, Sanjaya in gen­eral. On occa­sion he will actu­ally look at the TV and those moments are usu­ally quite priceless.