You must pro­noun­ci­ate everything

I have an ulcer. Thanks, AI. Welcome to the Best Platform in the History of Television! Super, I love plat­forms. Ugh, two hours of this crap.
Oh my God, Sanjaya’s hair just made me die. Now I’m dead! This Diana Ross pack­age is a cav­al­cade of fab­u­lous­ness. Nothing like some sequined dol­man sleeves to make my day.
Ai07 Brandon
This starts the show? This dude should be singing those crappy cover songs for com­mer­cials. You can’t hurry Dove’s cam­paign for real beauty. Ohh wait, you can’t hurry this dude screw­ing up the song! Bahahaha. Ladies and gen­tle­men, THIS is American Idol.

Ai07 Melinda
This was my cousin’s pageant song when she was Miss Hawaii. Dare I say this is bet­ter! Paula is a sob­bing mess. It’s another beau­ti­ful day of emo­tion!

Ai07 Chriss
“Endless Love” COLDPLAY STYLE! Lisping? Check. Ugh. Even worse than you think it sounds. This dude with­out glasses scares the crap out of me. I thought Endless Love’s mature themes of pre­mar­i­tal sex and set­ting fires would be con­trary to his Christian beliefs! Paula says he’s “try[ing] too hard to be ‘hip’ and ‘cool’,” which is fab­u­lous. Simon likens this per­for­mance to MURDER. I love this show!

Ai07 Gina
Miss Ross brings us both “pro­noun­ci­ate” and “pro­nun­ci­ate” in her men­tor seg­ment. I think Gina’s lost 15 pounds in the last week. I’m wor­ried about her! This is bleah but I still like her. I blame the ulcer. “Love Child” is “a feel­good song,” Paula says. This show never fails to thrill and amaze.

Ai07 Sanjaya
Sanjaya com­pares Miss Ross to Van Gogh. He just called her crazy! There is some­thing in his spirit that is the win­ning ingre­di­ent, explains Miss Ross, and it is not his hair. The hair is all he has! Or had. YOU HAVE TO SEE HIS HAIR. It’s not even Sideshow Bob or Justin Guarini, it is straight out the Beverly Johnson col­lec­tion. Randy pro­claims it to be “pop­pin” and “ban­gin.” The hair, that is. There sim­ply ain’t no moun­tain high enough. Simon gives him a Brave Choice Award just to be an extra bitch. I love this show!

Ai07 Haley
Haley selects “Missing You.” She’s singing it for her fiancé, and Miss Ross explains she sang it for a man in her life she’d lost, and that man’s name was … MARVIN GAYE. I get the sense Miss Ross wants to slap some­body! Ooh, she messes up the words and has a big arm-​swinging melt­down for a lit­tle bit. Simon is tremen­dously char­i­ta­ble, per­haps to con­vince peo­ple not to vote for her? Oh, now she flips out again. At least she cries pret­tier than Antonella.

Ai07 Phil
Miss Ross likes the popeyed sailor man! Oh no, goin’ hat­less. He should wear some crazy-​ass toupees every week. I mean, come on, that would be hot. You know, he sounds OK and stuff, but when I look at him, I see this. Or hmm, this. He got the bat ears and every­thing.

Ai07 Lakisha
“God Bless the Child”? That’s cheat­ing. So if there’s a Van Halen night, I guess we should look for­ward to “Dancing in the Street” and “You Really Got Me.” I got noth­ing else here.

Ai07 Blake
I just … I don’t want to even … no. Let me just say, “You Keep Me Hangin’ On,” in which he arranges it with HIS OWNBEATS”! to update it for THE FUTURE! like NO ONE ELSE! has EVER! done before, like say, I dunno, Kim Wilde or Colourbox or the Vanilla Fudge. This makes the Kim Wilde ver­sion sound like, hmm, Big Black by com­par­i­son. At one point he is so caught up in the ecstasy of him­self that he for­gets to start the next line. What he’s achieved is to put “maybe a lit­tle more elec­tronic vibe to it,” he explains. To yo ass, muh­fuh!

Ai07 Stephanie
How one man­ages to drain the life from “Love Hangover,” I don’t under­stand. She used to be so sas­si­fied! Now she is so bor­ing! Still, Blake also makes this sound like Big Black by com­par­i­son.

Ai07 Chris
Oh damn, “The Boss.” He can­not pos­si­bly be straight. I love it! He sounds so weak. I do not care. POP THAT CORN! A+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ai07 Jordin
So I guess her deal is singing them crappy songs from them car­toon movies? I can’t look at her dress, which she appar­ently wore straight from her tap recital. Aww she’s cute though. But sweet Jesus that dress.

These next few months are not gonna be pretty.
(I miss Elliott.)

2 comments to You must pro­noun­ci­ate everything

  • pieman

    Elliot’s album hits stores on Tuesday!!
    Did you check out the cover? It hardly looks like Elliot — in a good way.
    As for tonight. Ugh. I was pre­vi­ously lik­ing Blake, but what the hell was that?
    I like “pop-​eyed sailor man. Can I use that?
    As usual, your com­men­taries are the first I check out and always are the most amus­ing. And even have cool links, too!

  • Kim

    Elliott done got his teeths fixed. He’s my MySpace friend! His blog is a joy­ful well­spring of hap­pi­ness. I found out too late when he was here in Minneapolis wheel­ing and deal­ing with Target. I coulda stalked him.
    Blake sucks. The sooner we all real­ize it, the fur­ther we can advance as a peo­ple.
    I’m glad peo­ple read these things. And com­ment! Please com­ment! PLEASE VALIDATE ME!!!