You know the dog wears the diamonds

Chris: “Who are all these ugly peo­ple?” Say word.
Ryan tells me I’m in con­trol! I don’t feel like it. By the way, his out­fits have not been doing it for me lately. It’s been all down­hill since the T-​neck.
Tonight Paula is dressed like she’s teach­ing weav­ing courses on an Arizona com­mune.
This enchanted evening brings us the music of the British Invasion. Ohhhh crap. I should really turn the TV off now. I’m unsta­ble enough as it is.
I love Lulu. Holy moly she looks fab­u­lous. P.S., if I were a guy, I would have a dif­fi­cult time tak­ing vocal coach­ing from Peter Noone. I mean God bless him but ack.
Ai07 Haley
“Tell Him,” oh joy. This lady is no Billie Davis. Lulu was so awe­some in coach­ing her, though. She should be a psy­chol­o­gist! PLEASE GOD NO SHORTS AND HEELS. Halter top, oh my good­ness. Shake ya ass! Watch your­self! Seriously, watch your­self. I think this is longer than the actual song was to begin with. That per­for­mance was all about prayer, she says. Sometimes this show just ren­ders me speech­less.

Ai07 Chris
The more I see this dude, the more I think he may be a lit­tle spe­cial. His out­fit tonight is not help­ing. You have to see it to under­stand. “Don’t Let the Sun Catch You Crying,” oh sweet Jesus, I’m ter­ri­fied. I love this song and it is going to suck, I know it. This CD101.9 arrange­ment is killing me to death. I mean that in a bad way. Don’t you tell me to stop my cry­ing! Why am I watch­ing this. Why. Why.

Ai07 Stephanie
She’s going to do Dusty. Please don’t kill Dusty again, please. I don’t think my heart can take it. Also, please let this not be “Son of a Preacher Man,” which I am tired of in all AI and karaōke con­texts, even though I think you could do an OK job with it. “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me,” oh gra­cious. The band is mak­ing it sound a lit­tle “Grease,” hrmm. This went all over the place and oh. Not good. Simon says she’s los­ing her SOUL! My my.

Ai07 Blake
Tonight, his vic­tims are the Zombies.

OH DAMN, THIS SHIT JUST GOT PERSONAL. This man is on a mis­sion to destroy me. I WONT LET YOU DO IT. I WON’T. GAAAAAAAAH oh it’s so hard. Nice how they make me sit through a whole com­mer­cial break after mak­ing this rev­e­la­tion so my mind can con­jure up all the hor­ri­ble and bru­tal ways he is going to rape and mur­der what­ever it is he’s going to sing. “Time of the Season,” oh fuck you. With beat­box­ing. And plaid golf pants. And a white V-​neck T-​shirt over a polo shirt. Why aren’t I watch­ing this on DVR so I can fast for­ward and pre­tend I’m not really see­ing any of this. Actually I’m avoid­ing watch­ing this quite well thanks, as I’m con­cen­trat­ing on my lap­top screen the same way I focus on the win­dow frame when a drunk per­vert sits next to me on the bus. And don’t get me started on the alleged “pop­ping” or per­haps it was “lock­ing.” I think this may be the worst thing to hap­pen to music, ever. People actu­ally liked this? I’m going to draw a hot bath and scrounge up some razor blades. FOR HIM.

Ai07 Lakisha
This lady has gigan­tic hands. Have you noticed? Lulu tried to get her to do “You’re My World,” but she’s doing “Diamonds Are Forever” instead. YOU DON’T DENY LULU! Hahaha, this is kinda awe­some though. But I can’t for­give her for diss­ing Lulu. Two out of three judges are non­plussed. I bet they can’t for­give her either!

Ai07 Phil
“Tobacco Road,” oh my. And hat­less. His shirt looks like he used it to dust off a TV screen. Seriously, what does that shirt even mean? This was awfully screamy. And mostly awful. Would some­one please get that brother a hat. And a shirt that doesn’t look dirty.

Ai07 Jordin
DUELLING BASSEYS. Did Shirley Bassey sing a crappy song for a crappy ani­mated movie? Jordin agrees Lulu is adorable and great. She’s win­ning me over. “I Who Have Nothing,” oh my word. She’s ACTING! That was … really great? This show has warped my mind.

Ai07 Sanjaya
The hair is BACK. Yet another tremen­dously curi­ous out­fit. Peter Noone steers him away from “Something Good” toward “You Really Got Me.” Hey, this isn’t Van Halen night! Peter Noone, you are a fas­ci­nat­ing man for doing that. They keep show­ing a girl who is sob­bing hys­ter­i­cally in the crowd. OK OK OK OK, get this, right, this is not as near as hor­ri­ble as you might think. Or maybe the med­ica­tion is kick­ing in. If any­thing it reminds me of ‘NSYNC in con­cert, when they would play their own instru­ments dur­ing a muu­u­u­u­u­si­cal tooooooooour through the decades. Yeah, I saw it, what do you want to do about it.

Ai07 Gina
I think Lulu and Gina should hang out. “Paint It, Black,” hmm. I’m trou­bled. This is very Belinda Carlisle some­how. I can­not under­stand what Paula is say­ing. The judges some­how think this is hor­ri­ble? I mean it wasn’t like she went and took a giant dump on stage like some­one we all know up there.

Ai07 Chriss
Oh Christ no, not another idiot mur­der­iz­ing the Zombies. I’m deeply psy­cho­log­i­cally trou­bled by this entire show. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING. ‘Why should I worry, why should I care?” WHAT OH MY GOD WHAT. You take out the first cho­rus so you could … what … how … oh, no. “This song is really dark–he’s talk­ing about a girl who’s not there!” he explains. I’m sorry, I have to go and ask God how much longer I can go on.

Ai07 Melinda
Not a good look tonight. “As Long as He Needs Me,” aww. I need some pan­cakes for all this syrup. That damn girl in the audi­ence is sob­bing again! She sim­ply feels too much. Oh, don’t we all. At least I do, if this night is any indication.

2 comments to You know the dog wears the diamonds

  • pieman

    Kim, Kim, Kim — you know Blake’s not going any­where. The peo­ples love him! He’s always bust­ing out some­thing new and WACKY! I still have to say I don’t hate him.
    My wife com­mented on Chris #1’s Mr. Rogers-​type get-​up. She said it looked like he was wear­ing his lit­tle sister’s sweater. At least wear some­thing that fits, man.
    I think Stephanie’s in big trou­ble for the kick off show. She’s not bring­ing it, dawg.
    When I shared your Phil as Nosferatu com­ment, my wife nearly spit soda across the room. He did noth­ing but speed his depar­ture from the premises with this per­for­mance.
    Sanjaya must have gone insane. He’s think­ing of ways to get kicked off now, but the peo­ples will be hav­ing none of that!

  • Tammy

    two weeksin a row LaKisha has ignored the advice of the guest coaches. I’m really start­ing to take offense to her attitude!