I feel very kind of like excited

Tonight, Gwen Stefani guides us through the music of No Doubt and the artists who inspired No Doubt. I hope one of those artists is Beaver Boys! Aren’t there any dishes to do in this house? That sounds like more fun. Like waaay more fun.
Ai07 Lakisha
Yes, appar­ently Donna Summer is the music of No Doubt and the artists who inspired No Doubt. “Last Dance,” eh. You don’t say. This is pre­dictable. I love her dress, though. Is that Madonna for H&M?

This Gwen Stefani spe­cial is spon­sored by Coke. YOU DON’T SAY.
Ai07 Chriss
This dude is look­ing as Flo and Eddie as humanly pos­si­ble tonight. “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic,” well why not. I wish he was singing this about Jesus instead, that would RULE. How can you sing off-​beat to the Police? Not even John Davidson would pull that (but if he did it would sound GREAT). OK, so now it’s over and even he looks dis­gusted in him­self. Everyone hates it. We’re all in agreeance. Dude shoulda sang it about Jesus. Let Jesus be your metronome!

Ai07 Gina
It’s a beau­ti­ful day of emo­tion for Gina, who can’t stop cry­ing to Gwen Stefani and about Gwen Stefani. OH NO. NOT “I’LL STAND BY YOU.” DON’T YOU REMEMBER WHAT I SAID BACK THERE?! I give up. Everyone loves this. I don’t even remem­ber lis­ten­ing to it because I am SICK OF THIS SONG.

Ai07 Sanjaya
Wow, “Bathwater,” an actual No Doubt song, and one I don’t even hardly remem­ber. Good times, when I can’t remem­ber No Doubt sin­gles. He shoulda done one of those ones about want­ing to get preg­nant. Wait, maybe this is one of those? This “wacky” show-​pony hairdo is noth­ing com­pared to the Beverly Johnson spe­cial. Did he just sing “Nazi”? I have to love this guy at this point, he clearly does not give a shit. That’s the right atti­tude to have about this sea­son, son. The judges are like, please, at least make an effort. Hahahaha. They didn’t ask that of Jon Peter Lewis. Ryan: “Thank you for the enter­tain­ment!“

Ai07 Haley
Gwen disses Haley, which makes me like her more. Haley, that is. She is rock­ing some mad lower lashes tonight. I think I have those! “True Colors,” yawn. More of that Disney singing. I’m bored. This show bores me. Youdon’tsay.

Ai07 Phil
The popeyed sailor man is wear­ing a hat tonight. THANK YOU GOD. Granted it’s a cro­cheted news­boy cap, but it’s progress. Oh wow, “Every Breath You Take.” Gwen Stefani night is actu­ally the Police night. YOU DON’T SAY. He is Donovan Leitchier than ever tonight some­how. I will now be dis­tracted for sev­eral min­utes try­ing but fail­ing to find clips from The In Crowd on YouTube. DAMN YOU INTERNET.

Ai07 Melinda
“Heaven Knows,” well, I guess Gwen Stefani night is actu­ally Donna Summer fea­tur­ing Brooklyn Dreams night. I love this song, but oh no. The first half is off-​key, and the sec­ond half, I swear she made up all the words. My heart is broke! Randy says she is actu­ally liv­ing the words. The words she made up! Paula says some­thing about spades. What? I promise I didn’t have THAT much to drink tonight.

Have you noticed in this Old Navy shorts com­mer­cial how all the women seem to be look­ing around like, “Thank God I’m sur­rounded only by other women who are wear­ing these short-​ass hoochie shorts”?
Ai07 Blake
“Love Song” by the Cure. With a “reg­gae” “beat”. I think I should fast for­ward through this. Joel, I will put up a pic­ture of this out­fit tomor­row, I promise. In the mean­time, just think “Garth Brooks sweat­suit”. Randy is squea­mish about this per­for­mance. “It was a lit­tle bit … ” SHITTY. JUST SAY IT. He left it in a ten­der spot! What? Why does Paula kiss this guy’s ass? “Hip” and “cool” and “con­tem­po­rary”? I don’t want what­ever drugs she’s tak­ing. Simon invokes “indul­gent” and “bor­ing” because he pos­sesses a sage-​like wis­dom. Dude starts singing “Don’t Speak.” Ryan: “Don’t sing it, we have to pay for it.” I LOVE YOU RYAN SEACREST. There, I said it.

Ai07 Jordin
What, an actual No Doubt song? YOU DON’T SAY. “Hey Baby” is annoy­ing! Why doesn’t any­one sing the one where they did the video on the Jet Skis. You know, that one. That was a good song! Oh no, bad out­fit. Really bad out­fit. I long for the days of the tap recital dress. I have … noth­ing else to say here.

Ai07 Chris
Closing out the night with “Don’t Speak,” an actual No Doubt song. Ohhhh, I get it, so that was Blake up there mak­ing the BITCH MOVE. You don’t say. Gwen basi­cally says, “I hope he doesn’t fuck it up with his fake JT crap.” Oh, jeal­ous? Just admit it and get your glit­ter G logo out my face. There appears to be a Fred Hoiberg looka­like in the audi­ence. Chilling. I didn’t really notice this. Was it any good? Probably not.

Oh well. Par for the course on this crap episode. Needed more Beaver Boys. Or the raw emo­tion of the Pizza Boy absti­nence song. I ain’t no ho-​ho!

2 comments to I feel very kind of like excited

  • Melinda DoNOT is dead to me. Of course this is one of my 100 all-​time favorite songs, and then I had to sing the song over her because she sang it in the wrong key and like an old lounge singing lady. Like Kiki only not kid­ding and not nearly as good.

  • pieman

    Just awful. I can’t even bring myself to defend Blake this week. Can’t do it.
    It’s sad when the best singer this week was Nosferatu in the news­boy cap. Yeesh.
    What the hell was Chris Sligh think­ing? Putrid.
    Sanjaya — if you’re wear­ing your hair all goofy, let a lit­tle loose, fella.
    Maybe they’ll all be voted off tonight?