These are the best songs that were ever writ­ten in America

Well, “Mack the Knife” wasn’t all writ­ten in America.
I will have you know that I have man­aged to avoid all man­ner of spoi­lerism, save the Good Neighbor 830 WCCO-​AM forc­ing me to lis­ten to snip­pets of Blake and Gina between the ram­blings of Sid Hartman and ads for Wellington Windows. But I don’t feel par­tic­u­larly spoiled. Not at all.
We’re like a minute in and already I know these will be the two best things in this entire episode:
1) Simon mak­ing “sexy wink faces” at Ryan
2) The unbri­dled bas­ket of wow that is this album cover:
Damn. He put some drama on that.
I always hate stan­dards night. People just seem to get extra stu­pid. There will be vests. There will be hats. There will be ill-​advised hair choices. Everything will suck. Oh wait, that’s every night this sea­son.
Phil is sport­ing head stub­ble in the men­tor seg­ments and it freaks me the F out. It looks so wrong. Sooo wrong.
Ai07 Blake
The one-​man war on my san­ity con­tin­ues with “Mack the Knife.” Oh how I long for Bobby Darin. Or the ghost of Bobby Darin. Or even Kevin Spacey as Bobby Darin. Tony Bennett points out basi­cally that this one over here doesn’t really like to pay atten­tion to what lyrics mean and so he sings them as if they have no mean­ing. I’m para­phras­ing, but I know that’s what he meant to say ’cause me and Tone are like that. But yeah, he’s totally right. TOTALLY. Let’s see, he’s wear­ing a lilac-​ish blazer, blue shirt, blue stripey tie and TAN GOLF PANTS. Maybe gray. But they look tan to me. Also, there’s what looks like those fake Keds Velcro-​top sneak­ers that only cost $3.99 at Woolworth’s but every­one just shoplifted ‘em any­way. I mean, ew. There is lots of alleged danc­ing here. Paula says he is the “per­son­i­fi­ca­tion of piz­ZAZZ.” Another day, another rea­son to ask, “Are you shit­ting me?” This entire show wishes I was dead.

Ai07 Phil
Aww, old Tonebone likes the popeyed sailor man. “Night and Day,” hmm. The enun­ci­a­tion is only stolen from every­one who’s ever sang it, ever. Including Bono. And he keeps going sharp. This is hor­ri­ble. Oh Phil, I give up. Again. “All the joy of some­one singing at a funeral par­lor,” Simon said. Well, he is Nosferatu, fer cry­ing out loud.

Ai07 Melinda
“I Got Rhythm,” yup. Even I’m get­ting tired of “You like me, you really like me,” gen­uine though it may be, and you know I have a high tol­er­ance for pain. She’s sig­nif­i­cantly cuter this week. “You have a begin­ning, mid­dle and end,” Paula says. Well, hmm, I see. Simon wasn’t big on the pre­lude, though I have to appre­ci­ate the effort to rep Leo Stella style. So yes, I enjoy this if only that it led me to rem­i­nisce about the good old days of Leo Stella. And if you don’t like it

Ai07 Chris
Vest? Check. Hat? Check. Also sus­penders … hang­ing down from his waist­band … dan­gling … down to his knees. What. I want to see them get caught on some­thing. He can’t pos­si­bly be straight. “Don’t Get Around Much Anymore,” well I beg to dif­fer. This is so insanely bizarre and hor­ri­ble that I LOVE IT. I am truly and utterly con­fused by every­thing about this in a way that makes me com­pletely awestruck. I have a new ques­tion in life for which I need to seek the answer, and it is this entire per­for­mance. I mean it.

Ai07 Jordin
Jordin likes “On a Clear Day (You Can See Forever)” because it is upbeat and bub­bly and fun! Apparently she has never heard Mark Eitzel sing it in that way that only inspires thoughts of, hmm, sui­cide. In a good way! Vest? Check. Tuck your shirt in! You look sloppy, young lady. Your out­fits will be your undo­ing.

Ai07 Gina
Oh man, Tonebone got all maudlin on us. I couldn’t go on and sing after see­ing that! Terrorist attacks and dying sol­diers? Jeez oh wheeze. So any­way, “Smile,” and a very unusual hair deci­sion. How messed up is it that out of all the peo­ple left on this show, I only have “I hope you don’t get kicked off” hopes for her?! Not “I hope you win,” mind, because the thought of any of these peo­ple win­ning just makes me shrug. Ack. Why am I doing this to myself.

Speaking of “I hope you win,” oh man, the Mr. gave me the TARGET SPECIAL EDITION! of the Elliott album yes­ter­day. OMG. Though sadly there is still no trace of his promised ren­di­tion of “Sharin’ the Night Together,” whoa-​a, ye-​eah. Now that is one of the best songs ever writ­ten in America. I NEED THAT SONG DESPERATELY, ELLIOTT. DON’T HOLD BACK THE FEELING. Also, I think you need to hire me as your photo edi­tor, because I don’t know what any­one was think­ing when they picked out those pic­tures in your book­let. However, you are rock­ing one truly badass Jewfro, so maybe it all evens out.
Ai07 Sanjaya
Oh, you are one smooth bas­tard. I have a feel­ing he is not meant to project while he sings or have, like, a micro­phone. Like maybe he’s just sup­posed to whis­per in a cor­ner like Vashti Bunyan or some­thing. Did he just say “Welcome to the uni­verse of Sanjaya”? Maybe he is respon­si­ble for the yummy taste of Chick-​Fil-​A lemon­ade.

Ai07 Haley
Christopher mag­i­cally mate­ri­al­izes as soon as this one’s magic cleav­age hits the screen. What?! It must emit some kind of high-​pitched tone that only he can hear. This is … well, let’s just say I hope she sticks around longer than Blake, I guess. Christopher asks me how this out­fit com­pares to the hal­ter top and for­mal shorts extrav­a­ganza. He’s seri­ous! He also ques­tions whether that is actual cleav­age or “phan­tom boobs.” And then he dis­ap­pears a soon as she does: “I saw what I needed to see!” We have a lot of fun here. But there’s noth­ing funny about … phan­tom boobs. Meanwhile, Randy and Simon are tak­ing turns sex­u­ally harass­ing her. This show is crazy!

Ai07 Lakisha
“Stormy Weather,” OK what­ever. Bahaha, so as soon as they showed old Tonebone telling her not to do the “ain’t no sun­shine” thing at the end it was like a zil­lion per­cent obvi­ous DING that she was going to do it any­way, right? We see right through you, lady! And so do the edi­tors, I guess. Eh. I’m glad it’s over.

Oh wait, now I have to get through the results show. YAY. I’ll just burn through this fast unless some­thing crazy hap­pens.
America, THIS is your bot­tom three:
Ai07 HaleyAi07 GinaAi07 Phil
Haley’s boobs must not be emit­ting their spe­cial sig­nal, as Christopher has not yet emerged from his Man Cave. OH WAIT! There he is! “I don’t see no boobs,” he says, and leaves. He’s very dis­ap­pointed.
Michael Buble is one sloppy look­ing dude. I’ll call him Fatt Dillon.
America, THIS is your bot­tom two:
Ai07 HaleyAi07 Gina
Clearly I cursed them both. But one per­son I cursed more than any­one:
Ai07 Gina
Christopher: “That’s the one you liked, right? Now you have no rea­son to watch!” Oh if only.

3 comments to These are the best songs that were ever writ­ten in America

  • Hey, I have that Uncle Tony record.
    OH! Leo Stella!
    And “Sharin’ the Night Together!“
    Fatt Dillon!
    PS You are the everything.

  • tammy

    LaKisha: I used to say she had the per­son­al­ity of drift wood, now that she shows us some more, it seems she is a stub­born, bad lis­tener. She didn’t lis­ten to Diana Ross about the micro­phone stand, she didn’t lis­ten to LuLu about the song choice, and she didn’t lis­ten to Tony about her “Case of the Runs” end­ing to this weeks song. America doesn’t like a know-​it-​all; she is now my nemesis.

  • Kim

    Blake and LaKisha–we will smite them with our mighty swords!
    It’s been almost 10 years since I’ve seen old Leo. I wish he could be a men­tor on AI and make them all quit. It’s like a beau­ti­ful dream.