Sultry and sexy–for a second

LaKisha’s show­ing off too much boob! Sanjaya’s hair looks deli­cious! THIS is American Idol!
OMG Micky Dolenz is in the house! WHY?!
My dis­gust for Tribute to Gloria Estefan night is sec­ond only to my dis­gust for Standards night. This is mit­i­gated by my ado­ra­tion for Jennifer Lopez, one of my favorite record­ing artists and thes­pi­ans ever. That was not sar­cas­tic.
Ai07 Melinda
What the world needs is another Oleta Adams! Her eyes have been swal­lowed up by her face. This is pre­dictable and bor­ing. Simon doesn’t like it. Melinda seems excited by this some­how. NEXT

Ai07 Lakisha
LaKisha serves us the side of her face, always. She’s per­son­able! “Conga,” good Lord, no. OMG I want to take sexy dance lessons from Jennifer Lopez too. UGH I HATE THIS SONG. I’m dis­turbed by her crotch-​fanning skirt motion while singing “let your body feel the heat.” This is joy­less and awful, but Randy some­how pro­claims it fun. OMG Paula agrees with me. Paula’s lip­gloss is ter­ri­fy­ing, by the way. Simon rags on the danc­ing. I love you, Simon Cowell!

Ai07 Chris
“Smooth,” oh YES. Seven inches (from the mid­day sun)! One night I got drunk enough to finally sing this dur­ing a gross-​out karaōke night but I was so drunk I actu­ally for­got how it went. I wish Jennifer Lopez taught him some sexy danc­ing, that would have been hee­lairi­ous. I like that Members Only look! He brings out the prop musi­cians and punc­tu­ates “lovin’” with a fright­en­ing pelvic thrust. And every­one LOVES it! Ohhhhkay.

Ai07 Haley
“Turn the Beat Around,” oh what a shock. This isn’t Van Halen week! Jennifer Lopez says this is the kind of song you have to throw at peo­ple. This is why she is a GENIUS. The for­mal shorts are back. And the lower lashes. She looks bloated. Those shoes look painful. Uh, that’s all I got. Simon said he couldn’t under­stand what she was singing. You know, because these lyrics are so mean­ing­ful.

Ai07 Phil
Bahahahaha, “Maria Maria,” oh my word, I am laugh­ing so hard I miss the entire men­tor seg­ment. Shoes by–Carlos Santana! That is all I hear now, I’m sorry. No I’m not. Now that Phil’s wear­ing hats, he needs to acquire bet­ter taste in them. I’m very dif­fi­cult to please. Oh man, he got woo shrieky. At least he’s try­ing too hard in the right way. He’s act­ing so strange, I think he may be on PILLZ. It’s been real, Phil.

Ai07 Jordin
The rhythm is gonna GETCHA! Ugh, I hate this song too. Yet some­how this is not hor­ri­ble, because it’s all like Michael Jackson Latin freestyle or some­thing. Also she looks cute this week. OK, I take it back, this got bor­ing real quick. Randy employs ques­tion­able usage of “on blast.“

Ai07 Blake
Oh goody, he chooses to butcher “Tell Me Baby Girl ‘Cause I Need to Know, I Need to Know, I Need to Know.” In front of Jennifer Lopez. That takes balls. Retarded balls. She looks pained just lis­ten­ing to him rehearse. I love you, Jennifer Lopez! Nice pit stains, dude. This is sludgy and hor­ri­ble and dis­gust­ing. I feel like a kit­ten being drowned in a bag. Seriously, that’s what lis­ten­ing to this is is like. FAIL.

Ai07 Sanjaya
“Bésame Mucho,” oh tremen­dous. Jennifer Lopez likes it! This is a land­mark meet­ing of musi­cal minds. He’s got choco­late milk on his face! Oh wait, that’s his hot goa­tee. I’m hyp­no­tized by his SENSUAL GAZE. Um, was this the best of the night? Between this and Captain Zazz Chris Richardson, ack, what kind of world are we liv­ing in.

Oh Lord. Welcome to the uni­verse of Sanjaya. Now some­one find me some lithium.

2 comments to Sultry and sexy–for a second

  • pieman

    Kim — I knew you’d be lov­ing this episode!!
    Was Chris watch­ing Hayley’s shorts tonight? I bet he was.
    I think Blake sucked the least tonight, but who decided Latin night was a good choice with these eight peo­ple any­way?
    It’s get­ting pretty obvi­ous who the judges want gone , too. And what the hell is with Randy — I think LaKisha could take a poop in his Coke glass and he’d say he was the bomb or something.

  • Kim

    After he saw LaKisha’s “grandma boobs” he kind of stopped look­ing at the TV.