Nasally is a form of singing

It’s a very sad day in America. THIS is American Idol!
(I’m not kid­ding, that’s basi­cally how they started the show.)
Tonight we are men­tored by the Marg Helgenberger of coun­try music, Martina McBride. I have to say a cou­ple years ago at the State Fair we were sit­ting by the Grandstand dur­ing her show (gotta get a good seat for the fire­works, man) and this lady really can sing and I was like “whoa.“
Anyway, COUNTRY!

HATLESS. And singing Keith Urban, appar­ently the only artist who can fully artic­u­late the expe­ri­ence of grow­ing up in Kansas. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a Lurex-​striped shirt … on a dude. This is not hor­ri­ble, but it is strangely bor­ing. He’s singing like he is asleep. He’s sleep­walk­ing through the crowd. He’s sleep­soul­hug­ging peo­ple in the audi­ence. He’s sleep­not­givin­gashit, clearly. The judges love it! Probably because it was not hor­ri­ble. Damned by faint praise. This is the sea­son of “I can’t believe this didn’t suck as much as I was expect­ing it to” as an indi­ca­tor of qual­ity.


Jordin is rock­ing a lovely Loretta Lynn pile of exten­sions on her head. Or maybe it’s more Donna Fargo. Either way, she’s look­ing rather adorable for a change. And this was … really good? Someone holds up a “Jordin Sparkles” sign which makes me think of Sparkle Magick and I start laugh­ing and the moment is RUINED!


I can’t describe Sanjaya’s hair other than to say I went through a phase in 10th grade where it kind of looked like that every day, except my ban­dana was by Generra and it was fly. OH SWEET JESUS NOT “SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.” How many times do I have to tell you peo­ple. He goes back to sing with the back­ground singers and I believe his very pres­ence just got them all preg­nant. This is a ver­i­ta­ble geyser of retar­da­tion. “You love adver­sity, don’t you,” Paula says. Then why does he look so sad that peo­ple hate it?


“Jesus Take the Wheel” can only mean she wants to show up Carrie Underwood, right? Ooh, bet­ter luck next time, because this is hor­ri­ble! I mean it is truly truly unbear­ably bad. Grating and shrieky and just ghastly. Nice gold hooker boots, though. The judges are diplo­matic in their hat­ing it, and she’s clearly not hav­ing it. Drama!!!


Martina says he’s “really ver­sa­tile,” and that cracks me up for rea­sons I can­not explain. The Members Only look is BACK! You can’t see me, but I’m giv­ing the TV the thumbs-​up. Is his mic totally hot? It sounds like it. Squeeee. This was bor­ing. This weren’t no “The Boss.” The judges are less diplo­matic in their hat­ing it. Oh my word, he just responded to the judges with the very line that you see up there as the title. Verbatim. I’m not jok­ing. And then he takes a moment to send his love out to Virginia Tech. Uh … wow. That’s just … wow. I can’t … wow. This was not the per­son I was expect­ing to put the “count” in coun­try.


OK, this one appears to be wear­ing a stained beach coverup held together by bungee cord. You have to see it. It is not cute. I bet Jordin dressed her. SABOTAGE! This is some song that appar­ently no one has ever heard of. It’s one of them songs with all them coun­try cliches in it that every­one always hates, like about trucks and bars and shit, but it wasn’t awful or any­thing. Simon com­pli­ments her look, haha­haha. Then he tells her to lose the “I’m shocked you like me” reac­tions. I love you, Simon Cowell!


This is the biggest trav­esty of put-​on enun­ci­a­tion since “Revenge.” But in that case, it RULED. This one here, ugh, really is hor­ri­ble. It’s like he thinks he’s Double or Johnny Hates Jazz or some shit. WTF.

Yeah, uh, WTF. That about sums it up.