Thank you for being on the other end

Welcome to the Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day Telethon Idol Gives Back, Part II! Coming to you “LIVE” from the usual place and that other place in L.A., you know, the one designed by Frank Gehry, where the worst sight­lines in the house are appar­ently reserved for the cam­eras! THIS is American Idol!
Some peo­ple are not meant to wear all white. Those peo­ple are all six of our final con­tes­tants. Man, you know Sanjaya would have rocked that look SO hard.
By the way, I really didn’t want to watch this, but I’m only doing it mostly on fast-​forward, and I didn’t start writ­ing any­thing until halfway through, for what it’s worth, so if it seems half-​hearted, well, Bob’s your uncle.
It pleases me to see they wanted to start the party with Earth Wind & Fire. ZESTIFY.
This just in: Underprivileged peo­ple! Also, Ben Stiller is no longer funny.
We wel­come Quincy Jones! Dare we call him the man who gave us WE ARE THE WORLD?! His taste in hatwear sug­gests to me that he is not tak­ing this endeavor seri­ously. He wrote a char­ity song for our con­tes­tants to per­form tonight! It sounds like it could use the hip, cur­rent and con­tem­po­rary flair­ful flair of a Bobby McFerrin.
Did I ever tell you my first-​year col­lege room­mate was really into Bobby McFerrin? I thought it was a joke at first, but no, seri­ously, Bobby McFerrin. I mean, jeez, come ON.
Christopher explains that Paula needed to limit her human­i­tar­ian jour­neys because her emo­tions are too pow­er­ful. I believe this to be true.
All the dudes in Il Divo look like they’re half-​man, half-​pig. I bet my first-​year col­lege room­mate is really into them.
Not even the appear­ance of Seal could get Christopher out to watch this show for more than five sec­onds. If only it was Seal fea­tur­ing Haley’s knock­ers! THEN we’d have some­thing spe­cial.
Melinda and Blake are safe, bleah, what­ever. I thought this vote was sup­posed to be SHOCKING.
Carrie Underwood per­forms “I’ll Stand by You” and I throw up. Carrie should donate some of her eye makeup to these under­priv­i­leged peo­ple! How dare she flaunt her unlim­ited access to eye­liner in front of them like that.
The dudes in Rascal Flatts look like they’re broth­ers of the dudes in Il Divo. Plus that singer looks like he’s filled with nougat. (Courtesy: MST3K)
Paula’s boobs urge us to call and donate now. Christopher: “Are there any knock­ers in the house?“
The AI-​Ford videos have got­ten expo­nen­tially more dis­ap­point­ing, like, alarm­ingly so. Although LaKisha’s hor­rific out­fit almost saves this one. I wish I could show you, but appar­ently they ain’t giv­ing this one away for free. WHY?!
Aha, this is why: A video pot­pourri of elderly look­ing super­stars who had five min­utes open in their sched­ules, which is just enough time to be filmed lip-​synching to “Stayin’ Alive.” Hugh Grant, this light­ing con­fig­u­ra­tion is not kind to you. Helena Bonham Carter, breath­ing in all them Kools and Tim Burton’s air has not been not kind to you. Keira Knightley, I love you, please eat some­thing. Helen Mirren, I love you, don’t ever change. Gillian Anderson, why are you here? Why didn’t any­one take the time to at least attempt to make these look as if they were all shot the same way? They have COMPUTERS that can do that, I’ve heard.
Ryan: Phil, why are you smil­ing?
Phil: ‘Cause I love you, man.
See, just when I thought I got out, he pulls me back in. Oh, and he’s safe. Um, yay? Sure, yay, why not.
Only the music of Snow Patrol can con­vey the true dev­as­ta­tion of dis­ease and poverty!
Josh Groban, you creeeeep me ouu­u­u­u­u­u­u­u­u­uut
Kelly Clarkson and … Jeff Beck? OK then! Dude, he totally feels it. Ahh, I should have known Kelly Clarkson would get more than five sec­onds of Christopher’s atten­tion. He’s relieved she appar­ently didn’t feel oblig­ated to go on a crash diet before this show: “Then I’d have to worry about her!“
LaKisha is … safe? Hrmm.
Apparently who­ever put this Celine Dion-​Elvis Presley duet pack­age together only had about seven min­utes to do it. I mean, where’s all the cheesy Forrest Gump fake inter­ac­tion? They could’ve spared another three min­utes to work that in, for cry­ing out loud. Anyway, guess which one looks more life­like? HAR HAR HAR
Please help Madonna any way you can.
Let Annie Lennox be your bridge over trou­bled water. Like Helen Mirren, she is always adorable. I’m start­ing to worry I didn’t get the end of this show on tape. Also, I’m start­ing to worry about her left boob fly­ing out of her top. Now she’s stand­ing up and I’m wor­ried about both boobs. Whew, now it’s over. That was sus­pense­ful!
Tonight on the FOX9 News at 9: How this horse ended up inside a bank!
OK, I now feel extremely ripped off and like an idiot for both­er­ing to do this, since both Chris and Jordin are safe, and EVERYONE is safe, and every­one in the audi­ence is groan­ing, since they decided to not send any­one home on a char­ity night. (But isn’t every Idol show a char­ity night?) (OH I KID.) (Not really)
Best part of that mess: I saw AJ for a sec­ond!!!!!!!!!!! ZESTIFY.
Let’s close the show with video proof that Bono was in the same room as the con­tes­tants! Either that, or they used all their tech­ni­cal tal­ent to make THIS fake video seg­ment look real. He “sur­prises them” dur­ing a “rehearsal” of a “song,” say­ing, “You mur­dered that” (???!!??!?!?) and there is no way pos­si­ble to count the num­ber of lev­els on which that is wrong-​o.
Oh no, we have to sit through the con­tes­tants singing some shitty song that Bono and Dave Stewart crapped out in 30 sec­onds. It’s hor­ri­ble. They all sound hor­ri­ble. THIS is American Idol! Won’t you please help?

1 comment to Thank you for being on the other end

  • pieman

    I feel totally vin­di­cated or I am as low as Idol pro­duc­ers.
    All day long at work, I kept telling peo­ple they wouldn’t send any­one home cry­ing on the big char­ity night.
    At every com­mer­i­cal break, I would tell my wife that nobody was going home.
    When Melinda was safe, I said it, because if it was really going to be SHOCKING, she was going home.
    I too was wor­ried about Annie’s boob.
    No, Mr. Trax, there were no knock­ers, none what­so­ever.
    Two hours gone. Gone.