We’ve got to hold on to what we have

Jordin looks like some­thing the Swiffer picked up under the bed. THIS is American Idol!
Yeah, I kinda didn’t feel like watch­ing this last night. I haven’t seen or heard a sin­gle spoiler or read any write­ups or any­thing, I promise. But I’m fully aware this is still an exer­cise in futil­ity.
Tonight, a spe­cial trib­ute to the sexy world of Bön Jovi. They tell us all the songs will actu­ally be Bön Jovi songs. I don’t believe it. Jon Bön Jovi is talk­ing about mak­ing the songs your own. His face no longer looks like his own. He now looks kinda like James Remar. Seriously. What hap­pened?
Mr. Bön Jovi’s part­ner in men­tor­ing: CURLY.
Ai07 Phil
Phil is goin’ down in a Blaze of Glory (From the Motion Picture Young Guns II)! He’s been hit­ting the bronzer hard. His jacket hor­ri­fies me. It’s like lam­i­nated burlap or some­thing. This was … really awe­some?! Is Phil win­ning me back? The less he cares, the bet­ter he gets, I guess. Simon says it sucks in what I deter­mine to be a ploy to stir voter sym­pa­thy. I see through you.

Ai07 Jordin
Jordin loses points with the “my mom loves you guys!” reac­tion to meet­ing Mr. Bön Jovi and his rag­tag side­kick Curly. She brings out the prop musi­cians and tow­ers over them. “We’ve got to hold on to what we have”? Did she really just sing that? Tell me if I was imag­in­ing things, because I’m sure you would have noticed that too. There’s no place for gram­mar in rock and roll! This was more ragged than her hair. And Curly’s. She looks strangely cute, though. And now she’s get­ting too cute with the judges, ugh. Uh … what just hap­pened? Where am I? Why am I here?

Ai07 Lakisha
LaKisha’s out­fit just made me say “uh” and “what” out loud. Isn’t that red stuff sup­posed to fit under the boobs? I guess that’s what they call “mak­ing it your own.” She seen Bön Jovi on Oprah! Let’s dig up one of those songs no one remem­bers hear­ing. For cry­ing out loud, “Lay Your Hands on Me” was right there! This was really bor­ing mostly. I guess peo­ple like it? IT WAS BORING ROBOT SINGING. Pfft. Whatever.

Ai07 Blake
Oh look, Blake hit the Just for Men this week. I believe that color is called “Doucheburn.” I’m sorry I neglected to warn you that pic­ture may give you gon­or­rhea. He is going to give love a bad name, I take it. Oh no, appar­ently it’s going to be his FUTURISTIC INTERPRETATION of the song like NO ONE has ever heard it from the FUTURE. This doesn’t reek of des­per­a­tion at all. I think Mr. Bön Jovi should have slapped him. He looked like he wanted to! Hahahaha, way to miss your cue, jerk­face. Um, this involves lots of “beat­box­ing” and alleged “vocal enten­dres,” all appar­ently inspired by 12″ mixes of the col­lected works of Exposé, Cover Girls and Pretty Persuasion. These lyrics about shoot­ing and guns are INSENSITIVE. I’m usu­ally pretty good at describ­ing how awful some­thing is, but I am seri­ously inca­pable of putting into words just how awful this is. Anyone who likes this should be embar­rassed and have some sort of priv­i­leges taken away. In what real­ity would this man not be laughed off a stage? I seri­ously do give up on this show.

Ai07 Chris
Chris seems defeated before he even sings. He’s wanted, dead or alive! Um, this should be … yeah. Wait a sec­ond, actu­ally, some­how in his weak, mea­ger, inad­e­quate way he actu­ally man­ages to pull off the idea that he’s “going for it” and “mean­ing it” and I’m not “hat­ing it” so much. It’s no “The Boss,” though.

Ai07 Melinda
Jon Bön Jovi, please feel free to teach me how to rock. “Have a Nice Day,” oh Jesus. Joel, I think she’s singing that JUST FOR YOU. It’s your FAVORITE. Capital let­ters mean SARCASM. I see she’s gone back to the bungee cord designer this week. Don’t defy me, woman. I don’t par­tic­u­larly care for this!

Hooray, time for the sec­ond half of my slow tor­ture. Ryan explains they’re “stretch­ing it out” to an hour. Way to get me excited, Ryan! R&B sen­sa­tion THICKE is here (on tape) to swag­ger­jack Lewis Taylor for no good rea­son! Paula is not your lip pup­pet! Randy audi­bly laughs in response to Ryan’s insis­tence that peo­ple are “buzzing” about Blake! Some dude on the street with a smoothie thinks LaKisha and Jennifer Hudson are the same per­son! THIS is American Idol!
Wow, filler. Wow. Wow. Just wow.
The Ford/​AI music videos are SO LIFELESS this year. For real, these dudes make Katherine McPhee look like Courtney Love.
Aww, see, I cursed yet another one:
Ai07 Phil
Happy trails, you Nosferatu popeyed sailor man son of a gun. Not only didn’t I com­pletely hate you, but I also didn’t know what the hell to think of you, which is per­haps the great­est vic­tory of all when it comes to American Idol. Enjoy being the new Josh Gracin. At least your wife looks happy about this turn of events!

Check out all those tears on the bench over there. Yeah you bet­ter cry for Phil.
And now: TICO TORRES! That dude, man … I frig­gin’ love that dude. When this song started up I thought it was some sort of fake jaunty Nilsson song for a sec­ond. Turns out it is actu­ally fake Snow Patrol. Come on, “Lay Your Hands on Me” was right there!
It’s time to break up the power cou­ple of Chris and Blake. Chris loses seri­ous points for being BFF with this tub of evil. They talk about how it doesn’t mat­ter who gets cut because they’re going on tour together. Uh, so nei­ther of you care about win­ning this thing? That’s classy. Given my track record, is it any won­der which one is tank­ing out?
Ai07 Chris
We’ll always have “The Boss,” my man.

Next week: The Barry Gibb Talk Show! It’s an all-​girl fight to the fin­ish with Jordin, Melinda, LaKisha and Blake! THIS is American Idol!

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