Baby, it weren’t work­ing, man

Our four con­tes­tants will be singing TWICE for us tonight! I yell “ugh no” at the TV! THIS is American Idol!
Barry “The Lion” Gibb is our sexy, sexy men­tor. I love the Bee Gees, or should I say I love Bee Gees, for there is no “the” in Bee Gees. Barry is look­ing puffy and he sounds like he’s hav­ing trou­ble with his teeth. This wor­ries me. He com­ments on how his vast expe­ri­ence in work­ing with ladies (rrowr!) means he’s look­ing for­ward to work­ing with these last four con­tes­tants. Haha, suck it Blake.
Paula is look­ing so very Dynasty tonight.
Ai07 Melinda
Ahh, “Love You Inside Out,” a tremen­dous selec­tion. Hey, this isn’t Feist night! Barry makes a joke about how he sings like a lady. I love you, Barry Gibb! Melinda’s shirt has bat wings and it’s like she’s wear­ing a com­pany ID lan­yard around her neck. Her hair looks hot though. Seriously, I want that wig. The strut is back! This is what Randy calls “a solid per­for­mance.” I des­per­ately need him to change up his vocab­u­lary. Don’t let me down, Randy!

Ai07 Blake
Oh no, “You Should Be Dancing,” with the promise of alleged beat­box­ing and “vocal enten­dres.” This is offkey and hor­ri­fy­ing. Oh my God. Oh no. Oh my God. Why does he keep singing “my baby” instead of “my woman,” yet he’s plainly singing about a lady who’s juicy and is trou­ble? Sweet Jesus, he’s expe­ri­enc­ing a coun­ter­feit George Benson/​Al Jarreau moment. P.S. His out­fit seems to be a trib­ute to either China Crisis or Alphaville. This is an embar­rass­ment of phe­nom­e­nal and epic pro­por­tions. Randy: “That song didn’t need none of that!” FINALLY some inci­sive crit­i­cism. Bless you, Randy Jackson. He deliv­ers the patented Simon Cowell “weird dis­cothèque in some for­eign coun­try” line. Oh man, they cut off Simon in mid-​dis. HOW DARE YOU. Hahaha, even Ryan is bust­ing on this dude. I laugh and I live.

Ai07 Lakisha
We have a com­pe­ti­tion for the biggest trav­esty of the night with “Stayin’ Alive,” slowed down and with some messed-​up syn­co­pa­tion. Ah AH ah AH ah AH-​AH, stayin’ alive. Are you kid­ding me. She’s also dis­tracted by her bangs through the entire thing. Disastrous. Also if you sing “look the other way” and decide to act out the lyrics, you might want to move your micro­phone with your head so peo­ple can hear you as you con­tinue to sing. Just a thought. Good Lord woman stop mess­ing with your bangs. “Baby, it weren’t work­ing, man,” Randy says. It’s like he’s read­ing my thoughts tonight!

Ai07 Jordin
Please don’t wear a sum­mer dress and a pet­ti­coat over a pair of jeans. Oh wait, you DID. While singing “To Love Somebody,” at that. These chil­dren today have a lot of nerve. “I haven’t heard a greater ver­sion than Jordin’s,” Barry said. Oh man, Josh Gracin, are you gonna stand for that? I can’t say this is good because I love this song too much and I just can’t do it. Also, that out­fit is a trav­esty. I’m dis­ap­pointed in you chil­dren.

Ai07 Melinda
Oh dear, the hair’s gone from Cheryl Ladd to Suzi Quatro. Maybe not the best look for her. I still want it, though. “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart,” brings out “you’re a throw­back to Stephanie Mills” from Paula for some rea­son. Uhh. OK.

Ai07 Blake
“This Is Where I Came In,” hmm, an inter­est­ing choice. Probably because he thinks he can crap all over it with his crappy crap and nobody will say boo. Oh ugh, there goes that 311 “oh oh-​oh oh oh” hor­ror again. Also he keeps doing this “pulling a rope” dance move as if it some­how illus­trates what he’s singing. “The con­tem­po­rary rebel in this com­pe­ti­tion,” Paula says. Oh honey no. Apparently Blake thinks his per­for­mance is too deep and heavy for Simon to under­stand. Seriously, Ryan asks him “Did you think Simon would ‘get it’?” and Blake says “No.” I secretly think Ryan is set­ting this guy up expressly for my hap­pi­ness and amuse­ment. I love you, Ryan Seacrest!

Ai07 Lakisha
“Run to Me” is a hel­luva song! I don’t want to hear her sing it! This is … Zzzzzzzz. It makes “I’ve Never Been to Me” sound like “Misty Mountain Hop.” I see now why there is no “softer side” to this lady as she can’t project when she’s not yelling. FAIL!

Ai07 Jordin
I think Barry is a lit­tle in love with Jordin, as he seri­ously looks like he’s in ecstasy (rrowr!) when she’s singing. There is one note she keeps singing way, way off and it’s dri­ving me nuts. Oh, she’s singing “Woman in Love,” by the way. This song is hot, but I don’t want to hear it from any American Idol con­tes­tant, ever. Not even Elliott. According to Jordin, the line is actu­ally “Over an Dover again.” Which she sings over and over again. The judges don’t like it that much! Well, then, look at that I tell ya.

“You know what’s really cool man, is we gotta give props to Barry Gibb, ’cause we got some hot songs we’re per­form­ing,” Randy says. It’s like he’s read­ing my mind AGAIN.
It’s offi­cial: I don’t care. Well, I take that back, because just when I was about to say “Whatever, let Blake win so at least I can sit back and laugh at the mag­ni­tude of his cer­tain fail­ure,” they rolled back the Zapruder footage of “You Should Be Dancing” and I real­ize I can’t even go that far. OR CAN I. Maybe the great­est vic­tory of all would be to see what hap­pens when this douche tries to foist his “vocal enten­dres” on the gen­eral pub­lic. I mean, it’d be funny, right? Right?

2 comments to Baby, it weren’t work­ing, man

  • pieman

    I take back what I wrote last week. Blake was down­right putrid. I am sure your crush on him is now OVER.
    They all were pretty lousy last night, but I think Lakisha has to be going home now. Or Blake. Or both, please.
    I think you need to apol­o­gize to China Crisis and Alphaville for lump­ing that lump of turd into the same sen­tence with them, too.
    Seacrest, out.

  • Kim

    I appre­ci­ate all that China Crisis and Alphaville have done for the his­tory of pop music, but those dudes made bad sar­to­r­ial choices.