We’re not see­ing you now, be quiet

I’m really very sur­prised to real­ize this is Final 3 week, a.k.a. Elliott Goes Home week–from this van­tage point it seems like we got here really quickly, but that prob­a­bly has some­thing to do with me really not root­ing for any­one this year. Then I real­ize how easy it’s been for me to for­get every week has been slow tor­ture.
If they’re doing three songs, I can’t be both­ered to do this chrono­log­i­cally.
Ai07 Jordin
I am so tired of con­tes­tants admit­ting they’ve never heard of the songs they’re singing, case in point being Simon’s choice of “Wishing on a Star” by Rose Royce, which appar­ently she had never heard before and when faced with the mildest crit­i­cism, she forces this knowl­edge upon us. I don’t know music! I’m an idiot! Yeah, you and me both, appar­ently, if I’m still watch­ing this show. The pro­duc­ers give her “She Works Hard for the Money,” and her blouse looks like she put each boob in slings and then cov­ered it all with drap­ery. Seriously, you should see this thing. Also she’s wear­ing giant gold plat­form heels and stomp­ing across the stage like Godzilla, which I per­son­ally love but per­haps looks a lit­tle awk­ward to peo­ple who don’t appre­ci­ate stomp­ing. Let’s revisit “I Who Have Nothing” for her third song, which is appar­ently her “favorite” song. She’s appar­ently wear­ing a negilgee here, which I guess explains why her par­ents have been scowl­ing through this entire show. Call me crazy, I still think this is really good. Whatever. What do I know, I clearly don’t know music.

Ai07 Blake
Paula chooses “Roxanne” by the Police for this one, which he then trans­lates into some weird key(s) from outer space into a new form of music like I’ve never heard before! Ever! I wish he would quit try­ing to look­ing at me while he’s singing. He’s gross! I need to get really drunk right now. Oh sweet Jesus, the pro­duc­ers give him “This Love” by Maroon 5, which is a gate­way drug to alleged danc­ing and has the unfor­tu­nate side effect of forc­ing me to appre­ci­ate the vocal tal­ents of that dude from Maroon 5. Does this guy ever stay on key or on beat? Ever? I’m just curi­ous. I mean, you’d think even an alleged beat­boxer would have that ele­ment which is known as rhythm, or even alleged rhythm (a.k.a. “rhythm”) for that mat­ter. Can you tell I did indeed start drink­ing at this point? P.S. Sir Mix-​A-​Lot just undid so much of the uni­ver­sal good­will he earned with “My Big Cups” by per­form­ing with this douche and allow­ing it to be filmed. Just say­ing. This one’s “favorite” song is “When I Get You Alone” by THICKE. Bahahaha. Bahahahahahaha. THICKE. Why am I not sur­prised. You have no idea how much mirth and schaden­freude this song and, well, basi­cally the entire con­cept of THICKE brought me at MTV. Well, maybe one of you has an idea. My house! My job! My toot! My snoot! The judges like this. I have noth­ing left to say about any­thing, or at least not until I have more to drink. What do I know, I clearly don’t know music.

Ai07 Melinda
Randy picks a “hot one” which is “I Believe in You and Me” by Whitney Houston! Picking Whitney Houston songs sets up Idol con­tes­tants for dis­as­ter, as we are told time and time again, so hmm, an inter­est­ing polit­i­cal move there, Randy. She sounds like Ruth Gordon on the high note, yet Randy pro­claims she “blew it out the box,” so what­ever, what do I know, I clearly don’t know music. Ryan points out Randy’s sin­is­ter manip­u­la­tive ways, because he is a genius. The pro­duc­ers give her “Nutbush City Limits,” and I begin to won­der who is out to get this lady. Dare I sug­gest so far she’s look­ing extremely cuted up this week? I want to bor­row her wigs, seri­ously. For her “favorite” song, she brings back “I’m a Woman” and promptly messes up the words. Ooops. The judges man­age to over­look this despite her “oh crap” faces.

Between that and the “you have a ticket to the finals” and “My girl Melinder” busi­ness, I don’t have a good feel­ing about any of this, but what­ever, what do I know, I clearly don’t have a han­dle on the futur­is­tic cur­rent con­tem­po­rary power of a THICKE song that came out five years ago. Ugh. This f-​ing show.

3 comments to We’re not see­ing you now, be quiet

  • pieman

    Painful show. And you obvi­ously don’t know any­thing about music. Neither do I.
    What?!?! No com­ments about Blake’s attire? I am depressed by your non-​comment.
    Blake should be going home, which of course means, Melinda will get booted. I mean, Simon’s girl, Melinder.

  • Dude. Dude dude dude. I am sorry to say “dude,” but dude, here is the prob­lem: I HATE Blake. Hate him hate him.
    Then we real­ized that he is look­ing like Mike Viola (includ­ing totally the same mouth!), and because of my undy­ing fond­ness for Mike Viola, this buys a lot of good­will. I was even almost think­ing Thicke was a good idea (!??!?! for reals!) And, sadly, you know how I feel about Maroon 5 — I mean, Songs About Jane, AKA my favorite per­son ever? Yes! PS We thought it would be truly won­der­ful if their sec­ond album was called Songs About Dollie. But it isn’t. Jerks.
    Of course that means that Blake will be fired tonight. Either way, this will be the most bor­ing finale ever unless they recre­ate that moment when I thought McPhee was hav­ing a melt­down only she wasn’t — only this time some­one does have a melt­down. Live TV! Where are the melt­downs? Besides mine right now, I mean?

  • Kim

    I’m at a loss when it comes to Blake’s out­fits at this point. It’s a given he looks like butt, and unless he comes out wear­ing one of Jordin’s négligée/​boob sling out­fits, I may be past the point of car­ing.
    He is still my neme­sis, even though it would/​will be hilar­i­ous to see who they dig up for his super­star duet, like John Mellencamp or Duncan Sheik or some­thing.
    I pray for a melt­down. I think Jordin has been pro­gres­sively get­ting closer and closer to that point with each pass­ing week. Can she shut up already dur­ing judg­ing? I mean really.