Shot through the art, and you’re to blame

Oh Ryan Seacrest, you are look­ing so fly tonight. THIS is American Idol!
It’s times like these, when we are down to the final two, that I really, really wish I had the capac­ity to screen­cap. I’ll have to wait until they put up pic­tures and come back and add them later. It has to be done.
Randy’s jacket is OUTRAGEOUS. It’s like a Haggar blazer attacked by a lazy Bedazzler–with chainz! I know Paula looks like she was dragged out from under a table, but I des­per­ately want to cop her look tonight. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that she looks as though she was dragged out from under a table. (That dress is seri­ously dis­count Catherine Deneuve fab­u­lous though.)
When dis­cussing past “bat­tles of the sexes” in past final twos, Ryan misses the obvi­ous “Ruben and Clay” joke. I’m very dis­ap­pointed. Simon makes a Sexy Wink Face to make it all OK. Ryan says “bitch” and I’m scan­dal­ized! Don’t make par­ents have to explain to their chil­dren that that word has another mean­ing! Honestly.
Only the music of Supertramp can con­vey the emo­tion of audi­tions in Seattle. Christopher is excited for this rea­son. He calls Blake “The Miz.” That works on many lev­els! It’s worth not­ing that Blake is sig­nif­i­cantly more bloated today than he was at audi­tions. It must be all that par­ty­ing I keep read­ing about in the Enquirer’s “Hollywood After Dark” each week.
Oh man, so Blake wins the coin toss and asks Jordin if she wants to go first and she’s all like ::scared face::“nuh-uh!” so Blake decides to go first. So he lets Jordin close the show? Wow, that’s … inter­est­ing strat­egy. She’s a mas­ter manip­u­la­tor who is sure to go far in this busi­ness.
Blake forces us to revisit “You Give Love a Bad Name” if only to destroy me. At least he didn’t miss his cue this time! His dis­re­gard for enun­ci­a­tion is killing me. “Passion’s a pris­sig”? “Shot through the art”? Yeah, says you, mis­ter.
I feel guilty for mak­ing fun of Blake’s enun­ci­a­tion when Jordin gives us “Fighter” (in the style of Christina Aguilera) and it is hor­ri­fy­ing. I couldn’t even keep up to pick out any­thing that made no sense because the whole thing made no sense:


So bad. So so so so so bad. I give the first round to … Satan.
Oh come ON. Blake con­tin­ues on his quest to be the world’s fore­most Maroon 5 cover artist with yet another Maroon 5 song. The one that he hasn’t done yet. That one. Pull up your pants, mis­ter! I’m dis­re­spected by the cut of your trousers! “Ask her if she wants to stay a vile”? Yes, exactly.
Marlee Matlin is the luck­i­est guest in the house tonight.
Jordin is EMOTING! through “A Broken Wing.” She’s telling a story through the magic of song! I agree with Paula in that she is in “great vocal voice.” I thought this was really really good. I did. I did. I am a sucker.
I can’t stop laugh­ing over how the title of the Original Finalist Song is “This Is My Now.” Or how Blake starts the song perched on the Titantron, giv­ing us all a big crotch shot in his poly­ester slacks. He looks like he was dressed by Good Charlotte. That is not a com­pli­ment. Dude, seri­ously, curb your crotch. Oh, you mean his argyle sweater vest SPARKLES?! I really shouldn’t be sur­prised. He goes way off the rails off key, appar­ently because he’s con­cen­trat­ing too hard on attempt­ing some Tony Hadley stage moves. Let me take a moment to send out a spe­cial mes­sage to one Blake Lewis:

Greater men than you have tried and failed to evoke Tony Hadley’s sex­ual dynamism onstage. It can­not be done.

So yeah, this is a total straight­for­ward read­ing of a bor­ing song no one has heard. This is my WOW. This is the time when I tell all those peo­ple who were like “Oh man Blake should be in the finals so he can totally take those CHEESY Idol sin­gles to the NEXT LEVEL with his EDGY EDGINESS” to, hmm, “Suck it.“
Annnnnnnnnnd when it’s Jordin’s turn it’s like sing sing sing sing sing and then she PERFECTLY times the “burst into tears” moment at the end of the song and WE HAVE A WINNER!
Unless peo­ple are so moti­vated by the obvi­ous­ness of it all to vote for Sir Craps-​a-​Lot and his pro­trud­ing crotch. Hmm, maybe this isn’t such a cake­walk after all.
And now let’s close out the night with Chris Daughtry, who looks like his makeup was done by Pete Wentz. That is not a com­pli­ment. Bahahahahaha DAUGHTRY baha­ha­ha­ha­ha­ha­haha. “Be care­ful what you wish for” indeed. THIS is American Idol!

2 comments to Shot through the art, and you’re to blame

  • pieman

    Wow. Tell me the pro­duc­ers didn’t pick that final sing-​off to totally screw Blake. Not that he should win, but nice inter­view with Seacrest after that song : How do you think you did on that one? ” um “
    And Daughtry! Goes to show you don’t have to win to wear totally crap eye makeup and return to the show to totally rock out, dude!
    I must say I missed a bunch of the show (but not Shot To the Art), watch­ing my Celtics get SCREWED in the draft lottery.

  • I am learn­ing so much from tonight’s show. Like that the intro to Bette Midler’s ver­sion of “Wind Beneath My Wings” sounds EXACTLY like the intro to Sheriff’s “When I’m With You.” She came out of the fog, and I couldn’t see who it was at all, and the intro started and I screamed “When I’m With You!?!?!? Oh my God!” Wrong.