The one, the only, Miss Bette Midler

The beat­boxer or the sweet­heart?” Ryan asks us. My God, what a choice.
Ai07 Terror Alert
Or should I ask, which is which? Heyoo. THIS is American Idol!
It’s a per­fect time to take a lov­ing look at … Teri Hatcher. The phrase “ric­tus of ter­ror” comes to mind. And now I cher­ish my one last Sexy Wink Face from Simon. I will miss them. They have been the high­lights of my week.
Let’s enjoy an Up With the Last Two People per­for­mance of “I Saw Him/​Her Standing There.” Now I fully under­stand the breadth of Tiffany’s tal­ent. Jordin, you are Godzilla-​stomping on all my good­will with your sparkly mater­nity dress and your “skinny” jeans. Not to men­tion your hel­la­cious enun­ci­a­tion. Before too long, she feh in love with hey-​uh! Meanwhile, Blake is wear­ing a leisure suit. Nothing to see here.
Ai07 Cooties
NOTHING TO SEE HERE. I’m blind from the sex­ual chem­istry. Don’t stare too long, you’ll get cooties!
Gwen Stefani per­for­mance via satel­lite means FFWD
Ai07 Contempo KellyI can’t rope Chris in to watch his beloved Kelly Clarkson because he’s watch­ing “Lost.” I like that Contempo Casuals look! I also like how she pur­posely! sounds off-​key and off-​beat at the begin­ning of this song! I want to like this song but I can’t. I still like her though. If some­one dares to remake Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, they should at least cast her as Kelly McNamara.
I will never get tired of X-​Centric, the man who was a kitty cat but became a full-​grown pan­ther. The rest of these sad audi­tion peo­ple can leave for­ever. Oh no, they’re devot­ing entire seg­ments to giv­ing them awards? And air­time? This is real? I long for the hap­pier moments of Teri Hatcher’s creepy face. I mean, if they’re really that des­per­ate to find train­wrecks to cel­e­brate.
It’s impos­si­ble to con­tain the SEXY when our Top 6 men per­form with Smokey Robinson. I bet you can’t wait to see Chris Sligh on tour! I bet you can’t! Listen to the crowd go ” … ” when Chris Sligh lays it on us! Oh Phil, I’ve missed you, you tremen­dous show­man. Hey look, it’s that one guy! I remem­ber him! I think my TV is devel­op­ing a rash right now. Phil is out­danc­ing the shit out of Blake. The man is straight-​up smoove.
Oh sweet Jesus, Doug E. Fresh, how could you? Ah hell, a paycheck’s a pay­check, I can’t hate. “The Show”? “THE SHOW”?! With Blake as .. Slick Rick?! Really? This guy?
Ai07 Motownphilly Back Again
Motownphilly, back again. He is being out­per­formed by the back­ing track. This is sad. I’m actu­ally tear­ing up.
I sup­pose I should be watch­ing these lame awards for the train­wrecks in case they do some crazy shit, but I seri­ously don’t care. I do love that Randy throws out the endur­ing favorite “Silent Night” when asked for a request, though.
Our Top 6 ladies are hear­ing it through the grapevine with none other than Ms. Gladys Knight! Gina’s mic isn’t work­ing. See, I really do curse peo­ple. Stephanie is tired of these bitches. Haley is … insane.
Ai07 Haley Is Insane
The high­light of this can only be the moment when, holy shit, Haley just straight-​up freaks Stephanie. I am just about to lose my mind! I had to pause the DVR until I could stop laugh­ing. Christopher is going to regret watch­ing “Lost” instead of this, I know it. Gladys Knight appears to be mod­el­ing the Jaclyn Smith cruisewear col­lec­tion, but dang if she’s not bring­ing the Raw Emotion™.
Ai07 Raw Emotion Gladys
Oh man, he’s so caught up in it, she sings over Melinda’s solo. Tremendous.
Ai07 Dont Mess
Don’t mess, youn­gin! Don’t you mess! And put the white girls as far away from me as pos­si­ble! Does the cam­era even know where to look in this seg­ment? They sure spend a lot of time BEHIND the ladies, if you know what I’m say­ing.
Jesus him­self is smol­der­ing with sex­i­tude over Ryan’s shoul­der! Oh wait, that’s Constantine. (Sorry, Jesus.)
Uncle Tonebone comes in to do his make-​up per­for­mance. Man, he looks good. Look at that FACE! Holy moly, if someone’s doing work on him, they deserve a Nobel Prize. He’s mak­ing Paula’s lip­gloss sparkle extra brightly. SING IT TONE! YOU STILL GOT IT TONE! He totally out-​Raw Emotioned™ even Ms. Gladys Knight. I guess that’s how you do a Stevie Wonder song on “American Idol.” Dang, Tone!
I really wish Ryan and Simon would just make out and get it over with. Did you know I didn’t even cast a sin­gle vote this entire sea­son? Not a sin­gle one. That’s a first. The first time I didn’t vote in the finals was last year, but you know I was get­ting carpal tun­nel for Elliott every week before then. (That sounds dirty, I’m sorry.) This year I didn’t pick up the phone even once. I would have voted to get Ryan and Simon to make out, though.
Melinda per­forms with BeBe and CeCe Winans! I’m feel­ing the spirit! I’m get­ting my praise on! I’m hold­ing up the light and sav­ing the world from dark­ness! Well, I’m try­ing to, any­way. I wish Paula had a church fan for this.
Let’s take a lov­ing look back at all the Ford-​AI music videos through the magic of out­takes and bloop­ers, set to a bored ver­sion of “Time After Time.” You mean they had FUN mak­ing those things? (Hahaha that is a joke, because even the bloop­ers look like no fun! Hahaha!)
Ai07 Carries Blue PeriodPlease no one ever sing “I’ll Stand By You” again. Not even YOU, Carrie Underwood, and your stu­pid fluffy-​gown-​over-​jeans out­fit that at first glance made me think you had your period all over your­self, and it was blue. P.S. how nasal can one per­son sound? Because this is a per­for­mance to be tested by sci­en­tists here. She sounds TERRIBLE. And I don’t even hate her, really, but she sounds SO SO SO SO BAD. Tony Romo (a place for ribs) is hav­ing a bad effect on her!
Clive Davis, please don’t talk to me about a “huge explo­sion of Chris Daughtry.” Just get off my TV. I’ve read Hit Men, I don’t like you. The only thing get­ting me through this seg­ment is see­ing my man Phil act­ing like a goof at the side of the stage. Blah blah Fantasia blah blah blah Katherine McPhee blah blah Carrie Underwood blah blah blah. WRAP IT UP, VAMPIRE. That was directed at Clive Davis, inci­den­tally. I real­ize that when Phil’s around, that could be con­fus­ing.
Here’s the African Children’s Choir to bring back the spirit of “Idol Gives Back”. I can’t believe I’m see­ing tal­ented young peo­ple on this show! Oh ho ho. I’m wait­ing for Simon to remind them this isn’t a danc­ing com­pe­ti­tion.
And now let’s devote a video pack­age to the ironic cel­e­bra­tion of Sanjaya. You know, say­ing he is con­tin­u­ing on the path blazed by John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi might offend some peo­ple. Just say­ing. Oh, he gets a solo per­for­mance? Really? With Joe Perry? It’s a pay­check. “You Really Got Me.” Oh. Oh oh. This is tremen­dous.
Ai07 Hot Sanjaya
That young man can work a wind machine. This needs a run-​in from Haley in a go-​go cage. Was it the best per­for­mance of the night so far? Oh, by a long shot.
Green Day, please get over your­selves. You don’t have what it takes to fol­low Sanjaya. FFWD
A return from a com­mer­cial break brings on a sneak attack by Taylor Hicks. He’s sneak­ing out onstage and every­thing. Don’t tell any­one he’s here! Or that he’s singing!
Ai07 Tool Time
Nice shiny Victoria’s Secret blazer. I ini­tially thought it was tooled leather, prob­a­bly because I see him and the word “tool” comes to mind. Blake Lewis, your future is now.
Oh wow, Jordin’s duet part­ner is RUBEN!
Ai07 I Dream Of Ruben
RUBEN!!! Oh, and he’s totally out­sing­ing her. Hot. Oh Ruben, you’ll always be magic. This is “You’re All I Need to Get By” inci­den­tally. She’ll be there to push him up that hill! (She prob­a­bly could, too! Oh ho ho) Another high­light of the evening is the shot of Jennifer Hudson in the audi­ence, shim­my­ing in com­plete spite of her­self, look­ing bored out of her mind. She’s a com­pli­cated lady.
It’s inter­est­ing to note there were actual tor­nado warn­ings and thun­der­storm warn­ings all up in our area dur­ing this broad­cast, but I don’t remem­ber see­ing any graph­ics dur­ing this show! Hmm hmm, Fox 9! Scandalous! They could have inter­rupted the Gwen Stefani seg­ment, I’m sure peo­ple would have been more enter­tained.
Speaking of enter­tain­ment:
Ai07 Seen Bette Days
Oh Bette, or should I say Miss Bette Midler, you are a long long way away from The Rose (which need I remind you is truly quite pos­si­bly my favorite Rock Movie of all time), singing all off-​key and Muppety and act­ing like you have noth­ing but con­tempt for “Wind Beneath My Wings,” which is, in case you didn’t know, the song you’re singing right now, and dare I say based on this per­for­mance, good luck sell­ing more tick­ets to that Vegas run which, cor­rect me if I’m wrong, you’re only here to pro­mote.
Ai07 Squashed KellyKelly Clarkson returns to us, wear­ing one of those out­fits she really, really shouldn’t be wear­ing, and how can you not love her for that (Chris: “She looks like she’s in the wrong aspect ratio”), singing “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” with Mr. Joe Perry and I hope this is lead­ing up to some­thing. Next up is Taylor Hicks, in a shirt made entirely of Reynolds Wrap, singing “A Day in the Life.” I really hope this is lead­ing up to some­thing. Ugh, Carrie Underwood, ruin­ing “She’s Leaving Home” with reluc­tant assis­tance from our Top 6 ladies. This bet­ter be lead­ing up to some­thing. (I have a feel­ing it might be!) Now it’s Ruben! Singing “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds!” CLEARLY this is what this was all lead­ing up to!!!! This rules. Ruben, you are magic and beauty and light and holi­ness. Oh wait, here are the Top 6 guys. Now the Top 12 all sing “With a Little Help From My Friends” together. This bet­ter be lead­ing up to some­thing, jeez. Is it Gina trip­ping up the stairs in those badass sil­ver shoes? Is it Haley, who is still com­pletely insane? Um … appar­ently so, because now it’s over. OH COME ON.
And this is the point where my DVR cuts out, and I don’t know who won. Seriously, I don’t. But I bet Jordin won. She did, didn’t she? I mean, Fox 9 wouldn’t be doing live hits from a Jordin Sparks party if she didn’t. Unless the par­ty­go­ers are over­turn­ing cars or set­ting things on fire, but then again that’s what always hap­pened in Chicago when the Bulls won the finals. Or was that the Blackhawks? Or both? Anyway, duh:
Ai07 Jordin Wins
I’d be cry­ing too if I had that jackal flap­ping his limbs at me.

1 comment to The one, the only, Miss Bette Midler

  • pieman

    Wow. What an enter­tain­ing show! And I don’t mean that in a par­tic­u­larly good way.
    I am glad you said how awful Carrie Underwood sounded. Ouch.
    And Bette Midler? What the hell was that? When she started singing, I thought it was one of those guys in drag rou­tines and some­one was inten­tion­ally singing poorly. Poor Bette.
    My wife still like Taylor Hicks. There’s no account­ing for taste. Hey, wait a minute, I just took a shot at myself…
    Clive Davis needs to sit down. Is he still talk­ing?
    Thanks for all your com­ments througout the sea­son. I know that I look for­ward to your analy­sis each week since I am a cyn­i­cal bas­tard.
    So what’s next for your review­ing prowess? Pirate Master? So you Think You can Dance? America’s Got Talent? I won’t be watch­ing any of those, but if you review it, I will read it!! :)