idol

A lot of col­ors of Danny com­ing out

I was going to go on and on about how I really have no time and no busi­ness doing this but you know I’m just going to do it any­way. Can’t stop it, won’t stop it.
This is the strongest group of Idol tal­ent yet! What else are they going to say?! Think about it!
It’s the Top 12 Dudes! Sixties night! It is on, as well as pop­ping! As I do at the begin­ning of each episode, I take time to real­ize how much I love hav­ing Ryan Seacrest in my life again. THIS is American Idol!
ai08_davidh.jpgMiguel Alvarez David H.: I enjoy this singer! But oh, his “switched up” “In the Midnight Hour” is not as impres­sive as “Love the One You’re With” from the Hollywood round, I’m sorry. I won­dered why Simon didn’t like him and I guess I can see why? Also, his shirt looks like it has awful stains on it and held together by hoop ear­rings. Wait a sec­ond, Simon likes it! Well then.

ai08_chikezieexclamationpoint.jpgChikezie!: Oh no, he lost his last name. Danger dan­ger! Bad sign! Chikezie! is Chris’ favorite. He spot­ted that tal­ent in the audi­tion round by yelling “The new Luther!” Chris admires his fly tomato suit. Check out those SHOES. Damn. “More Today Than Yesterday,” oh you know that’s one of my favorites. It starts off awful and ends up mostly bet­ter, except for the end­ing which is not so great. Paula bab­bles on for a half hour about noth­ing. Simon hates it! Simon hates the suit! Oh no, now Chikezie! is argu­ing back about his fly suit and his per­for­mance and oh no, I can’t stand a back­talker. Voters also tend to not appre­ci­ate back­talk­ers, does he not know that from expe­ri­ence? Backtalking already on this show! Oh God. Why am I doing this.

ai08_davidc.jpgDavid C.: He looks like a com­bi­na­tion of about 12 dif­fer­ent guys at work. It seems that every­one is “switch­ing it up” which trans­lates to “orig­i­nal­ity” in this world, I guess. “Happy Together,” oh my. Chris: “I knew I should have left after Chikezie.” Sorry, I mean Chikezie! Chris is stage-​coughing. The shape of this dude’s gar­gan­tuan head with his hair pasted down, you know, it’s just gross. There is some off-​key nas­ti­ness in there, and then at the end he some­how ends up sound­ing just like … Jason Falkner? WEIRD. Everyone is pleas­antly sur­prised by lik­ing it! Me too! Just the fake Jason Falkner parts though.

ai08_jasony.jpgJason Y.: The one thing I hope is that some­day this guy man­ages to top his “Are you seri­ous?! Oh my God!” moment from the Final Judgment. That is the bar I have set for him. “Moon River,” oh sweet mer­ci­ful mercy this is cheesy as all get out. Chris: “Is he from Utah?” This man has clearly watched too much West Side Story as his Richard Beymer imper­son­ation is CHILLING. That is not a com­pli­ment! Simon hates it. Jason takes his crit­i­cism like a man. I expect that kind of pro­fes­sion­al­ism from a “Making the Band” vet­eran.

ai08_robbiec.jpgRobbie C.: Bahahahaha, he sang a Fuel song in the Hollywood round. Hahahahahaha, Fuel. Hahahaha. Fuel always amuses me. Tonya, did you date this guy at some point? Seriously, he looks famil­iar. “One,” well at least he makes smart song choices as this song is emi­nently rock-​outable, and while he’s OK it’s like he has no SOUL. Oh man it’s like Simon is read­ing my mind. He says it’s the only thing so far that seems to make sense yet he detects the FAKENESS. Ooh they’re going to have a slap­fight some­day, I can feel it.

ai08_davida.jpgDavid A.: This squinty lit­tle creep is going to be the death of me.

ai08_dannyn.jpgDanny N.: On the other hand, this zes­tac­u­lar young man is NOT going to be the death of me. He is so full of zazz I can hardly stand it. He’s both Tegan and Sara! He’s gonna bring his swag­ger and atti­tude to the stage! “Jailhouse Rock,” oh my God. The band can’t keep up, he’s too fab­u­lous. I’m not pay­ing much atten­tion but I still give it a mil­lion stars. Paula says “there’s going to be a lot of col­ors of Danny com­ing out,” prov­ing that he brings out the best in peo­ple. Simon says it was “verg­ing on grotesque.” GENIUS! Oh God now every­one is argu­ing for a half hour. But not Danny. He’s too busy bring­ing that swag! He looks a lit­tle down­trod­den but I know he’ll be back. Keep the faith!

ai08_lukem.jpgLuke M.: The singing car­pen­ter! Not the singing Carpenter, as in Karen, but he is dang schmaltzy. Oh God. Oh God. OH GOD. OK, so the intro starts and for a split sec­ond I think, “It’s ‘Everybody’s Talkin’,’” right, and then it drags on in this monot­o­nous blaaaaaah and I’m like “oh I must be wrong” but I am RIGHT because it IS “Everybody’s Talkin’” and it is a trav­esty. Even England Dan and John Ford Coley would agree this is com­pletely pussed out. Paula invokes the magic name of Kenny Loggins. Nobody likes it! Well it’s not easy to fol­low my man Danny, for real.

ai08_coltonb.jpgColton B.: At the begin­ning of the show he makes a “point­ing finger-​gun at cam­era bang-​bang” motion that is VERY INSENSITIVE in light of recent events. Since this guy was the “other man” in the Kyle elim­i­na­tion, you know that’s his death knell. “Suspicious Minds,” oh my. His pants are very tight and very blue. Oh no oh no those pants, please make them stop. Thank God some­one put some mas­cara on those creepy blond eye­lashes. Hey, he looks like Alex Winter! Bahahaha, that’s awe­some. Simon says he has “no rel­e­vance” and his per­for­mance is “a com­plete waste of time”! I got noth­ing else.

ai08_garretth.jpgGarrett H.: Young Garrett looks like a refugee from Foxes which makes him A-​OK in my book. We’ve never heard him sing until today, right? Wow, he sings like a LADY! It’s crazy. He’s a sassy dude. Do I detect a choco­late milk mus­tache in HD? I do! “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do,” oh my God, this is dread­ful and off key and oh no oh no oh no oh no make it stop make it stop make it stop OK it’s over. At least he didn’t “switch it up.” Simon goes on and on about how he looks “haunted” and needs fresh air and sun­shine. Fascinating.

ai08_jasonc.jpgJason C.: The one thing I have learned from this intro­duc­tion pack­age is that this dude is sooooo hii­i­i­i­i­igh. He has an acoustic gui­tar! He’s singing “Daydream” as in “what a day for a.” Why is it that so many of these dudes look like chicks from a dis­tance? I’m not talk­ing hair but like body type and every­thing. It’s totally weird. This is uhhh, fluffy and inof­fen­sive. He’s the next Eagle Eye Cherry! He has blown Paula away! Someone needs to rein Paula in, my Lord, yak yak yak yak. Simon likes it! Ahh Jason is so relieved that he can go smoke a bowl and relax now.

ai08_michaelj.jpgMichael J.: This dude is tire­some. I mean what­ever. “Light My Fire,” baha­ha­ha­haha. It’s like he’s try­ing to be a com­bi­na­tion of Weiland and that dude from Third Eye Blind doing an impres­sion of the “Need You Tonight” video. That is both hap­haz­ard and unwise. I dis­ap­prove! Oh boy, we have the first invo­ca­tion of “Michael Hutchence,” I can’t wait for the com­ing weeks. I vote no!

And me? Well, I’m just happy to be here. Wait, am I? See you tomorrow!

4 comments to A lot of col­ors of Danny com­ing out

  • jane

    I have to remem­ber to never ever read this until I after I post my work recap (just like I did today) else I will prob­a­bly change my mind about things. You are far too con­vinc­ing.
    PS Who does Luke look exactly like? I decided Danny reminds me of when Kelly Clarkson was mad at Clive Davis, and I believe that Garrett looks like Marlee Matlin (in the face. I watch a lot of “The L Word”), but since you kindly solved the Miguel Alvarez mys­tery, I turn to you.

  • pieman

    Jane is right. I came here with pre­con­ceived notions and you ALMOST changed my mind. Almost.
    Danny needs a poke in the eye.
    Don’t you want to pinch David’s cheeks? How can you dis­like him, Kim? Come on!
    I liked Jason despite the creepy hair.
    The rest of them can all go home now and we wouldn’t miss them.
    And thank you for the Alex Winter com­ment, because I could not fig­ure out who he looked like!

  • tarnish

    I thought the arrange­ment of Moon River was the worst thing I had ever heard in my life. And then along came “Everybody’s Talkin’”.
    Jason C. was prob­a­bly my favorite. But he’s even­tu­ally going to try to sing with­out the gui­tar and/​or sober and it’s all going to fall apart.

  • Kim

    David A. is a men­ace, dude.
    Oh Jane, it is killing me and killing me try­ing to solve the Luke mys­tery. I kept get­ting close to it (so close!) and then I’d just think Luke Perry and I’d have to start over. I get Hugh Jackman, I get Orlando Bloom, but none of them stick. He’s like some SHAPESHIFTER or CHANGELING. He looks like a dif­fer­ent per­son from every angle. It’s kinda creepy when you think about it.
    Jason’s got a big clown face.
    OMG Marlee Matlin. I see it! I totally see it! Ahhhh
    A woman at work has pro­claimed Michael J. “kinda hot” and I’m wor­ried about her.