Slayin’ it, I mean like killin’ it

Top 12 LADIES. Sixties night part 2! Simon gives Ryan a sexy wink and for a moment, every­thing is right in the world. All the boys are named David and all the girls’ names start with A! THIS is American Idol!
You know, it’s so much eas­ier for me to write about the boys than the girls. Ugh. And I’m already bored with most of these nags any­way. It’s going to be a fun ride! Sadly Chris is nowhere to be seen, which is unusual since this show has chicks with boobs on it, and that means you are deprived of his inci­sive com­men­tary. I’m sorry.
ai08_kristylc.jpgKristy L.C.: Oh snore. I hope they keep show­ing clips of her singing “Amazing Grace” every week, I’ll never get tired of that. There’s one thing I’ll tell you about Kristy: She wants that damn horse back. That’s her sto­ry­line, “Amazing Grace” and a horse. Check. “Rescue Me,” oh joy. Her eyes are DEAD. Seriously, pay close atten­tion next time—I dare you to find a sem­blance of life in there. THIS is Stepford Idol! This feels like it goes on for five min­utes. I hope Simon does a “Rescue me … from this PERFORMANCE” joke. OMG Simon calls her “robotic”!!! He and I are so in sync, it’s fright­en­ing. Everyone falls all over them­selves explain­ing that she has the flu and going first is nerve-​racking. Are you kid­ding me?! I vote no.

ai08_joanneb.jpgJoanne B.: She’s the plus-​sized model from New Jersey! That’s her sto­ry­line. Check. “I Say a Little Prayer” will only mean heart­break for me. This is the most back-​of-​the-​throat singing off-​key thing ever. She has a ridge across her fore­head that makes her look like she has a uni­brow or belongs on Star Trek or BOTH. Paula’s oper­a­tive word for tonight is “shine,” appar­ently. Yesterday: “color.” Today: “shine.” Got it. Simon hates it! He does not accept that these ladies have nerves! Ohhhh her par­ents look PISSED. She refers to her own Hollywood per­for­mance as being “an amaz­ing per­for­mance.” Wow. After she’s done talk­ing she looks a lit­tle wob­bly. Honey, you gotta eat some­thing.

ai08_alainaw.jpgAlaina W.: She looks like if Carrie Underwood and Anna Paquin had a baby. Simon had “high hopes” for her in Hollywood after see­ing her per­form in short-​shorts and pumps! That explains every­thing. “More Today Than Yesterday,” well if you were here last night, you already know: That is one of my favorites! OK OK, I have to make a shock­ing con­fes­sion and admit that if she can tone down the scream­ing, she’s all right, I think. She has that unaf­fected sun­shine girl-​pop voice that I am a sucker for. I’m sure she will make me regret say­ing that later. Anyway, she sounds really good on the cho­rus and like kinda meh every­where else. Simon likes the per­for­mance but (gasp) hates the song! Oh Simon, I’m bit­terly dis­ap­pointed.

ai08_amandao.jpgAmanda O.: You can’t tell me this lady is only 23. Was she raised by sun­lamps? There’s one thing I’ll tell you about Amanda: She’s not afraid to wear a pon­cho. If she’s not going to sing Janis Joplin any­more, let’s hope she switches over to Joe Cocker. I mean let’s not. “Baby Please Don’t Go,” com­plete with faux bee­hive, oh my. The scat­ting. The scat­ting?! The scat­ting. Oh my God, what a hor­ri­ble deci­sion. Simon enjoys her! Everyone enjoys her! I bet Ryan enjoys her because she’s shorter than he is. Everyone jokes about that time she got hit by a truck. We sure have a lot of fun here on American Idol!

ai08_amyd.jpgAmy D.: Oh, she’s the one who sang “Blue Bayou” with her knock­ers hang­ing out. Check. She’s a trade-​show model! That tells me every­thing I need to know about her. I love that her par­ents wear T-​shirts with her face on them, and that she’s not ashamed to be seen with them when they wear those shirts. “Where the Boys Are,” are you shit­ting me? I don’t think any song could pos­si­bly sound more dated. Jesus. Oh this is so awful. I think this also takes about five min­utes. Paula says the cam­era loves her! But nobody else loves her. Simon: “It sounded like it went on for about 10 min­utes.” OMG, we are psy­chic twins. If you’d like to vote for Amy’s hoot­ers, dial Idol 05!

ai08_brookew.jpgBrooke W.: Is it wrong for me to kind of like her? Like Sweet P on Runway, she seems mod­er­ately tal­ented and gen­uinely dar­ling. Someone’s helped her out with her rosacea, I see. Oh no, “Happy Together”? Again?! OMG, she kept the ba-​ba-​ba-​bas in! David C. didn’t do that because that takes balls. Dude, I just fig­ured it out: ROSIE VELA. The ba-​ba-​ba-​bas did it. No won­der I like her. Maybe one day she too will hook up with Steely Dan and Jeff Lynne and I will be jeal­ous. Simon finds her all a bit yel­low, or some­thing, but he likes her voice. “It’s very you,” he says, so I guess that means she has an iden­tity. Really? On this show? Gasp.

ai08_alexandreal.jpgAlexandréa L.: Her great-​grandmother came to her audi­tion! That’s awe­some. “Spinning Wheel,” well, who can deny the raw power of BS&T. OK, first singer to use the stairs as a prop, check. I believe her out­fit is a lov­ing trib­ute to Stacey Q. There’s some crazy reverb going on there, what? Someone should tell her that going to her upper range is not a good idea, because she doesn’t have one. What goes up must come down! Randy says it’s a hot fusion jazz rock some­thing some­thing! Paula says her out­fit rep­re­sents who she is! Simon didn’t like it. Oh wow, he said “ter­ri­ble six­ties musi­cal” and he’s totally right, but you know how I love ter­ri­ble six­ties musi­cals. She mouths off at Ryan for pro­nounc­ing her name wrong. Simon likes it. Sassy!

ai08_kadym.jpgKady M.: Ryan warns us this is about to get “sul­try,” gosh. Oh yeah, she’s the one who does imi­ta­tions and blah blah blah. “Groovy Kind of Love,” Celine Dion style. OK. Her calves look weird. Did you see them? They look weird! Oh WOW she went off the rails there. Too dis­tracted by mak­ing porny faces, I guess. She’s kinda cross-​eyed. I don’t know what else to say. Hahaha, Randy says she lost con­cen­tra­tion at the end. It’s like I’m sayin’. Simon calls it Night of the Living Dead, which is fan­tas­tic. She and Kristy should have a robot/​zombie fight. Simon com­pares her to a pen­cil. She looks pissed. I love this show!

a108_asiaapostrophehe.jpgAsia’h E.: She used to be sad, but not any­more! She’s got some fantab­u­lous bam­boo hoops on. “Piece of My Heart,” and this is actu­ally pretty good. I like that she’s all hic­cuppy. I’m sure I’ll get sick of it soon enough. At least she’s relaxed and like what­ever unlike all these other creeps. This show is FULL of UPTIGHT BITCHES. Dudes included. I’m tired of it. Oh wait, where am I? Oh yes, this is good! I wish her top didn’t look like a bathing suit or make her neck look a mile wide. It’s Simon’s favorite of the night, which isn’t say­ing much. Ugh, this show.

ai08_ramielem.jpgRamiele M.: Pinoy power! Cameltoe alert! Sweet Jesus those jeans are tight. She too is weighed down by the irony of a faux bee­hive. “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me,” OK fine what­ever. Everyone likes it! Ramiele enjoys hair and makeup and shoes! THIS is American Idol!

ai08_syesham.jpgSyesha M.: Her “real­ness” is a lit­tle “prac­ticed” if you know what I’m say­ing. Hahahahaha, Ryan’s talk­ing to her, right, and every time she responds she turns to talk to the CAMERA, right, and then they keep cut­ting to the other cam­era so she looks like a dork. I don’t have any­thing against her, I’m sure she’s a nice lady and all and it was so sad when she lost her voice and cried and drew a frowny face on a piece of paper, but I watch this show because I enjoy see­ing rank ama­teurs stum­ble their way to semi-​stardom and all these pro­fes­sional go-​see-​ers just take the fun out of it and make me MISERABLE. I say phooey on that, for real. Oh wait, I for­got to say she sings “Tobacco Road” and every­one likes it and blah blah blah what­ever.

ai08_carlys.jpgCarly S.: She basi­cally explains how she sin­gle­hand­edly brought down MCA Records, so thank good­ness we got that out of the way. “The Shadow of Your Smile,” eh? OK. What key is this in? Hurry, some­one tell her, because I don’t think she knows!!! Am I just hear­ing wrong or is this really off kil­ter and over­wrought and ter­ri­ble? Ugh. Ugh. I don’t think this is a par­tic­u­larly angry song, but she looks so angry! She’s gonna bust some gas­kets scream­ing like that. Oh God, Randy and Paula are falling over to declare the bril­liance of her mag­nif­i­cence and it is hor­ri­fy­ing. Simon doesn’t like it! The voice of rea­son, bless his heart. Also, her blouse is ghastly. I just had to get that in there.

People gon’ get they ass CUT tomor­row! I can’t wait.

2 comments to Slayin’ it, I mean like killin’ it

  • pieman

    I didn’t think the women could be worse than the guys, but then the show started.
    Your com­ments are excel­lent as usual, but I miss Chris’ insight­ful breast-​related obser­va­tions which add depth to the con­ver­sa­tion.
    I didn’t think Kristy actu­ally had any eyes for the first minute of the song!
    I think Alaina will be okay.
    I like Brooke, too, despite my think­ing I ought to hate her.
    Ramiele ought to get together with David and they can make a baby that will be so cute our brains will explode.

  • Kim

    Pretty much every­one was either bor­ing or ago­niz­ingly over­wrought. Looking back there was noth­ing to get excited about, at all, good or bad. If I can’t even get OUTRAGED! that’s a bad sign.