idol

I wanna just squish you, squeeze your head off and dan­gle you from my rearview mirror

Tonight, your Top 10 guys pull out all the stops in the race to become the next Jordin Sparks. Ryan looks a lit­tle unkempt tonight—he must have an Oscar hang­over (he don’t want to get over). Ohhh I don’t have the energy for this. THIS is American Idol!

Everyone screams for David A. in the run­down and OH HE CAN’T BELIEVE IT. REALLY HE CAN’T, oh, oh gosh, oh he’s just so sur­prised and hum­bled, oh wow you don’t say, oh stop (don’t stop) please stop it (please don’t). Ryan calls Simon “king of all media” and phones start ring­ing at Howard Stern’s house. I stole that joke from my hus­band, did you rec­og­nize it?

Did they say this is ‘70s night? If they didn’t, I assume it is as we begin with

ai08_michaelj.jpg… this dude singing “Go Your Own Way” and it is thin and shrill and not at all good! Ohhh no there go the M. Hutchence moves again. Stop, stop, stop, stop, hal­lu­ci­nate, deseg­re­gate, medi­ate, alle­vi­ate, try not to hate, love your mate, don’t suf­fo­cate on your own hate, des­ig­nate your love as fate, a one world state as human freight, the num­ber eight, a white black state, a gen­tle trait, the bro­ken crate, a heavy weight or just too late like pretty Kate has sex ornate, now dev­as­tate, appre­ci­ate, depre­ci­ate, fab­ri­cate, emu­late, the truth dilate, spe­cial date, the ani­mal we ate, guilt debate, the edge ser­rate, a bet­ter rate, the youth irate, delib­er­ate, fas­ci­nate, devi­ate, rein­state, lib­er­ate to mod­er­ate, recre­ate or det­o­nate, anni­hi­late, atomic fate, medi­ate, clear the state, acti­vate, now radi­ate, a per­fect state, food on plate, grav­i­tate the Earth’s own weight, des­ig­nate your love as fate, at ninety-​eight we all rotate, hal­lu­ci­nate, deseg­re­gate, medi­ate, alle­vi­ate, try not to hate, love your mate, don’t suf­fo­cate on your own hate, des­ig­nate your love as fate, a one world state as human freight, the num­ber eight, a white black state, a gen­tle trait, the bro­ken crate, a heavy weight or just too late like pretty Kate has sex ornate, now dev­as­tate, appre­ci­ate, depre­ci­ate, fab­ri­cate, emu­late, the truth dilate, spe­cial date, the ani­mal we ate, guilt debate, the edge ser­rate, a bet­ter rate, the youth irate, delib­er­ate, fas­ci­nate, devi­ate, rein­state, lib­er­ate, lib­er­ate, lib­er­ate, lib­er­ate. Crappy ill-​fitting T-​shirt and jeans? Is that the best you can do? I mean really. This dude is a snore. Oh thank good­ness it is over. Paula thinks he is a sea­soned per­former and he is charm­ing and he is already there! Simon is not impressed. Paula dis­agrees “from a woman’s per­spec­tive” which offends me ter­ri­bly.

ai08_jasonc.jpgOne thing you might not know about Jason is that he is sooooo hii­i­i­igh. Wait no, that is actu­ally painfully obvi­ous. It’s that he doesn’t like doing inter­views! He doesn’t have much to say. Why am I not sur­prised by this. I still say this dude looks like a chick. “I Just Want to Be Your Everything,” oh you know that is one of my favorites, although not com­plete with Eagle Eye Cherry acoustic gui­tar. He is fee­ble but earnest. I always, always appre­ci­ate earnest. Randy says so yo, it’s inter­est­ing! But not good! Paula wants to see him with­out his gui­tar (and … his pants) so he can be “more vul­ner­a­ble.” I don’t think he could pos­si­bly be more “vulnerable”—he looks like he’s going to tip over or pop­eye him­self to death. Simon hates it! We’re off to a great start.


ai08_lukem.jpgF-​ing A, WHO DOES THIS GUY LOOK LIKE?! Dead Jeff Buckley? Matthew Fox in 1993? This dude is talk­ing about his a cap­pella group with video evi­dence, and I do NOT have time for this. Oh, “Killer Queen,” oh no, oh no no no, Lord I’m beg­ging you no. “Moet de Shandron”? WTF? I’ve offi­cially lost my mind. I’m stunned into silence and unable to type. See, I have to keep tak­ing my hands off the key­board to cover my face. This is so bad. This is so, so so so bad. He sounds like a lady pup­pet. He sounds like a lup­pet. Randy and Paula some­how … like it! Simon hates it, whew. Ryan calls Luke “Dawson’s Creek.” Hmm. Hmm. Ryan must be read­ing me on the reg­u­lar. Now this dude doesn’t have as giant a cereal box head, but maybe Ryan’s onto some­thing. Let me think about it.


ai08_robbiec.jpgOne thing you might not know is that Robbie likes drag … rac­ing! Baha. He looks incred­i­bly bedrag­gled and splotchy. Is he wear­ing a hol­ster? “Hot Blooded,” haha­haha, aha­ha­ha­ha­ha­haa, aha­ha­haa. Oh I could go on and on. He’s pulling at his shirt. Well, he does look like he has heat rash. I’m wait­ing in rapt antic­i­pa­tion to find out if he sings “You’re look­ing so tight” and he DOES!!! Bonus points, or dare I say boner points. What a brave deci­sion. Randy and Paula are talk­ing about some shit I don’t under­stand. “Rock is like an atti­tude,” Randy says. Allll right. Simon thinks it was OK, what? Ryan starts feel­ing up his arm, ooh! Chris appre­ci­ates that Robbie is a “scruffy dude” but doesn’t like his shirt. Well!


ai08_dannyn.jpgOne thing you might not know is that Danny was in “a punk rock band”! “A lot of noise, it wasn’t much to lis­ten to. We just real­ized we suck,” he recalls, like it was some 35-​odd years ago and he is The Incomparable Hildegarde. “Just a bunch of rebel­lious kids play­ing instru­ments.” He is a genius and a sto­ry­teller and so deli­ciously jaded. And now “Superstar,” oh my God, awe­some? Check. Dude knows how to work it! The zazz com­ing off my screen right now is beat­ing me black and blue. AND I LOVE IT. I give this an A with a mil­lion plus signs after it. Randy says he should speed up his vibrato, just to be a bitch. I loudly dis­agree for it was CHRISSIE HYNDE PERFECT. Everyone says he should not think while he’s singing, or some­thing. Uh. Simon says he looks ter­rific on cam­era. Damn straight!

Chris: “It’s look­ing pretty good for Chikezie! right now!”

ai08_davidh.jpgOne thing you might not know about David H. is that he was on “Law & Order: Trial by Jury” he was in gym­nas­tics! Oh my. What was he, five? I need a more con­tem­po­rary fun fact about you, dude. “Papa Was a Rolling Stone,” well then, let’s do it. He was just about to get a mean strut on and the cam­era cuts to the band, WTF?! Someone has it in for this guy. I enjoy this singer! He’s putting a lit­tle zazz on it tonight, which is, yes, awe­some. Randy says that’s how to put it down! Paula says some­thing about hearts and pock­ets. He told a story through song. Simon is now a fan. We’re back in sync! Yay! Exclams!


ai08_jasony.jpgHe’s like a cross between the O’Connell broth­ers and that dude from Blink-​182. I’m so glad I’ve for­got­ten his name, that means I am on the path to heal­ing. Let’s watch him play a lot of instru­ments. Zzzzz. Zzzzzzzzz. Nice choker. Oh here we are, THE DOOBIES. That’s a shoutout to the other Jason. “Without Love,” where would you be right now? Keep on pushin’ mama! There is much shak­ing of shoul­ders and point­ing and some kind of salsa hip rota­tions, or some­thing, and it is gross. And he does some kind of crazy Brandon Lee Is The Crow move­ment to fin­ish it off. WTF just hap­pened? Where am I? Bahaha, Simon rags on the CRAZY fin­ish. We are cos­mi­cally linked. Chris: “Good belt, though.” This dude is tak­ing up as much cam­era time as humanly pos­si­ble talk­ing about his craft. He’s not tak­ing his crit­i­cism as much like a man as he did last week. Thumbs down!


ai08_chikezieexclamationpoint.jpgOne thing you might not know about Chikezie! is that his name is Nigerian! He’s sig­nif­i­cantly less roundy than he was in the audi­tion round, I see. From the first note, Chris yells “WINNER!” “I Believe to My Soul,” OK, right, and this is pretty good and he’s all into it and what­not but I’m sorry, it just makes me think of my lost love and my heart is broke all over again:


I miss hav­ing that dude on my TV every week. Anyway, every­one loves it, and he gets all mouthy with Simon again and Simon calls him “obnox­ious” and he says “I learned from the best” and points at Simon which he some­how totally misses, and there’s all this bor­ing ker­fuf­fle and the whole time I’m still think­ing about Elliott and feel­ing depressed. :’(

ai08_davidc.jpgAll Right Now,” let’s see, this man is kinda mak­ing up the lyrics, right? This song is repet­i­tive but not that repet­i­tive. His stage pres­ence mit gui­tar is ghastly, like he’s pulling his chin back into his neck because the thing’s too heavy, and it’s weigh­ing him down so much he can’t move, and he looks like a totem pole with shitty hair, and why are we being sub­jected to this? Who thought this was a good idea?! Uh, Randy and Paula say he’s the real-​deal rocker who’s got it and got it and got it (???!!!?!?!!). Simon inex­plic­a­bly thinks it’s OK (what?) but he has no charisma (durr) and OHHHH now you’ve done it, there’s mouthing off and stu­pid­ity and whin­ing and back­track­ing and oh I checked out a long time ago. I mean, any kind words were far more than were deserved, and this dude should have just LEFT IT ALONE. Why am I watch­ing this?


Tonight on the Fox 9 News at 9: Sixth graders abus­ing alco­hol! Use don’t abuse, that’s what I always say.

Chris asks me what my ‘70s song would be and I can’t decide. Chris says his would be “Hello It’s Me” as long as he could wear a feath­ery Todd out­fit. Cosign!

ai08_davida.jpgImagine” me smack­ing this kid in the face. Heyoo! STOP SQUINTING. Garrgh. He’s clearly got some kind of syn­drome and I’m afraid if I watch this too long I’ll catch it. OK, this is mildly under­stated which is to be com­mended, I guess, but it’s hammy as all shit and hello, it’s this can of butt singing John Lennon. Randy says things about hot and fire. Paula says what’s up there in the title, which is I sup­pose not meant to be sin­is­ter but it totally is and I love it. Simon, what­ever. Girls are scream­ing and he’s all giv­ing his “pre­tend to be sur­prised by it” face and stam­mery ham­mery. I vote no.


That’s the end! OH HOLY SHIT. Chris has a genius guess for Luke: Young Bruce Campbell. Is that it? Is it?

brucec.jpg

Maybe? Yes? I think that has to be it, because if we don’t have a con­sen­sus before he gets canned, I don’t know what I will do. And that’s 48 hours away, heyoo!

(But I think that’s it. Whew! Right?!)

6 comments to I wanna just squish you, squeeze your head off and dan­gle you from my rearview mirror

  • tarnish

    I knew there was some­thing I was going to watch on TV tonight. Oh well. If I’d known some­one was going to attempt Killer Queen, I would have avoided it any­way.
    Oh, and Luke looks like some­one took the top half of Kyle McLaughlin’s head and affixed it to the bot­tom half of Joe Perry’s. Sadly, he hasn’t any of the tal­ent of either of them.

  • Kim

    You need to see “Killer Queen” if only to expe­ri­ence how hor­ri­fy­ing it is. Also, I am intrigued by the idea he may be a zom­bie Frankenstein McLaughlin-​Perry monster.

  • pieman

    I think I agreed with Kim on nearly every one of these tonight.
    I am com­ing around on Danny, as he is the only cer­ti­fi­ably enter­taing dude every week. Is he a dude? You know the rest.…
    I really liked David Hernandez this week, though every time they say his name I think Patrick Hernandez and “Born to Be Alive.” That would have been AWESOME had he picked that song!
    Queen? Really? I don’t think so, Luke. Nope. His only hope is that there many other crappy per­for­mances tonight that let him stay for another week.
    I think the Doobie Brothers guy (other Jason?) needs to go. Doobies and Moon River. Bye bye.
    I could lose Robbie the Drag Racer, too.
    Thanks for the reviews, Kim. As I was watch­ing I pic­tured you typ­ing away your snarky goodness!

  • jane

    Thank you love. Thank you life. This is my every­thing. MY EV-​RY-​THIIING, Tommy Page style. (PS Did I tell you that some­one at this job sings that some­times? This is why I get up every morn­ing.)
    Also, *totally* young Bruce Campbell, as dis­cussed. Also Orlando Bloom and Luke Perry and Matthew Fox and Jeff Buckley and the Frankenstein mon­ster described right here, but Bruce Campbell with­out a doubt.

  • Kim

    Bahahaha Tommy Page! Oh my land. And P.S. “Long Train Runnin’,” yes I am a dum­b­ass. i swear I just did a cur­sory “throw crap into Google” and did not want to expend extra time on it, and I knew it was wrong but sim­ply did not care. Thank you Idol!
    So I’ve been con­sid­er­ing my most impor­tant tasks today, chief among them choos­ing my ‘70s song. Initially I’m think­ing “25 or 6 to 4,” as that is the hot jam and all, but good­ness could I invest it with mean­ing and rel­e­vance for today? I think not. So I’d jump in the Guess Who well, though it’s hard to top the magic 1969 “These Eyes”-“Laughing”-“Undun” tri­fecta. Hmm. “No Time” is always reli­able, and I know I can actu­ally sing that one. “Share the Land,” yes. “No Sugar Tonight/​New Mother Nature,” now you’re talk­ing. Good stuff all around. P.S. I’m ter­ri­fied of what Amanda does tonight, espe­cially if it ends up being one of these songs. There may be stabbing.

  • pieman

    I know you will be watch­ing and writ­ing, but will Chris be there to add the breast-​related insights?