I’m one of those ‘knowl­edge is power’ kinda people

Chris is intrigued that the Top 10 ladies are going to “lay it all on the line.” (“Really?!”) Ryan is look­ing too casual for my lik­ing! I’m just … totally … dread­ing this. THIS is American Idol!
The crowd is tepid dur­ing the run­down! Oh Amanda, that hair, just no. The ladies sound like they’re being led to the gas cham­bers when Ryan tries to get them “pumped up.” Wow, this is really shap­ing up to be some­thing spe­cial.
ai08_carlys.jpgWhat you might not know about Carly is that she’s also a bar­tender! An “Irish pub,” how quaint, how sur­pris­ing. “Crazy on You,” well at least she’s pick­ing some­thing that involves scream­ing. Oh boy, RUNS. What does she keep look­ing at? That’s dis­tract­ing. Boing boing boing boing boing. Oh no, on that last note I thought she was try­ing to push some­thing out of her­self. Randy is going out of his way to sound crit­i­cal, even though this wasn’t com­pletely ghastly or any­thing. Paula, what­ever. Simon takes on the task of kiss­ing her ass this week. First she says “Crazy on You” is her favorite song of all time, and then she says it’s “one of” her favorites? Oh come on, now.

Chris is affect­ing the new Simon “open hand with thumb point­ing to tem­ple” pose. It’s catchin’ on!
ai08_syesham.jpgOne thing you might not know about this one is that she is an actress. You don’t say. Actually, her clips refute that claim. Then she does this imi­ta­tion of a cry­ing baby that I think fright­ens the crowd mute. “Me and Mr. Jones,” what­ever. This is way monot­o­nous. Chris says he should’ve made the brave choice to keep it Mrs. “but she prob­a­bly didn’t want to piss off God.” Dude, her skin looks ROUGH on HD. Randy says you need to use what you got, give’em what you got girl. Paula, what­ever. Simon invokes the magic word “indul­gent.” She says “I made it my own.” Sweet fancy Moses, this one.

ai08_brookew.jpgBrooke went to beauty school! She’s a beauty school dropout! She’s seri­ously sit­ting on cam­era like she has some crazy sco­l­io­sis going on. She’s mak­ing me tense. Oh no, she’s bring­ing out the gui­tar. “You’re So Vain,” oh my. There is some­thing wrong with this that I can’t quite fig­ure out. I guess it’s just really … plod­ding? Kind of like a hoe­down? And then she’s on the verge of crack­ing up like three times, which I think she’s mean­ing to do, but instead I just think she’s try­ing not to crack up. Randy says she has that Carly Simon vibe goin’ on, yeah yeah. Paula says what she brought to it was famil­iar­ity. OK. Is that a good thing? Simon breaks out his “absolutely lll­l­l­lloved it” and I’m sur­prised, but he’s clearly “way into it” if you know what I’m say­ing. Yes, there is sexy wink­ing involved. Aww, she’s cute though. Ryan can’t stop touch­ing her!!! She says she was “this­close to los­ing it” and I had to rewind to find out she was talk­ing about the gui­tar and not about laugh­ing. I was this­close to being jus­ti­fied, oh darn.

ai08_ramielem.jpgRamiele used to Polynesian dance when she was lit­tle. Pinoy power! “Don’t Leave Me This Way,” oh this bet­ter be good because I’m tired of hear­ing it. She’s mostly cov­er­ing her crotch this week, which is a plus. Oh, this is not good. This is not good at all. The band sounds like it’s noth­ing but a mixed down snare and some noodling. She looks cute, though! Oh, the end­ing, oh Lord, no. I’m just shak­ing my head. Randy wishes she chose a song that is more dope. Paula feels she didn’t get to per­form her magic. Simon’s with me on the song choice. Good thing she’s got the Filipino vote behind her. You go, tiny lady!

ai08_kristylc.jpgI really don’t care to learn any fun facts about this one, hon­estly. Hahaha, there’s a pic­ture of her with a log wedged up her hoo-​hah. Chris: “STRADDLE IT!” “You’re No Good,” well that’s appro­pri­ate. Chris: “She’s assum­ing the boob man­tle.” Oh God, that out­fit. Whoooooa boobs. She’s putting ‘em on the glass! Those pants are just gross. Also, the danc­ing? Kick-​step doing the Twist? The hell? Everyone says this is bet­ter than last week, because there were more boobs. Actually I just made up that last part, but the impli­ca­tion is there.

ai08_amandao.jpgOh Amanda, that hair, honey no. Did you know she likes read­ing? I bet you didn’t know that! She brings us tonight’s title, by the way. “Carry On Wayward Son,” oh no, no no no. Don’t you cry no more? Too late. Oh God, the hair. It’s like Roseanne Barr crossed with Priscilla Presley and a really slop­pily drawn car­toon lion. Oh no. The spazz danc­ing. The pants. The pants!!! I just can’t … no. Randy says the song has “way too much melody,” oh yes, what a draw­back. Paula says she got some moves! Amanda’s peo­ple in the crowd, as Chris points out, “look uneasy.” That’s putting it mildly. Randy: “Keep it bluesy rock! Keep it bluesy rock!” Simon hates it! Everyone con­de­scends to her with that whole “You’re such a pretty girl, why do you do that to your­self, let the world see your pretty face” busi­ness that I find so amus­ing.

ai08_alainaw.jpgThis one is OCD about her food. She doesn’t like her food to “touch each other” or some­thing. Chris: “She doesn’t like her teeth to touch each other.” “Hopelessly Devoted to You,” oh no, why? Why? Why????? This isn’t ‘50s week! Oh ho ho. I am bit­terly dis­ap­pointed. See, she IS mak­ing me take back every­thing I said last week. That was fast! Oh no, the scream­ing. Is this a screamy song? Is it? Is that what is known as “switch­ing it up” in this com­pe­ti­tion? HER MOUTH IS GIGANTIC, oh my God. Randy votes no! Paula votes “real good job.” Simon votes yes for her and no for every­thing else. Pageanty! Simon likes her despite all the appar­ent rea­sons to not like her, which once again shows that great minds think alike. Ryan and Simon get sassy with each other, which I always love. That’s the best part of the show so far!

Tonight on the Fox 9 News at 9: Shocking sto­ries about the dan­gers of sleep­walk­ing!
ai08_alexandreal.jpgWhat you might not know about Alexandréa is that she was a poster child! Really, she was. “If You Leave Me Now,” oh gosh, that’s … inter­est­ing. This is weird, really really all over the place weird, and she’s wear­ing knee-​length cargo shorts with stiletto booties. STILETTO BOOTIES. I’m really con­fused by all of this. Where is this going? Where am I? What am I wear­ing? Oh shit, this totally went all crazy CD101.9 at the end. I feel com­pletely insane right now. Randy, what­ever. Paula’s all like rel­e­vance and females and what? Simon is all like, no. There’s a lot of no in this room tonight!

ai08_kadym.jpgThis one sings opera. Of course she does. Chris: “And she’s not doing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’?!” “Magic Man,” oh good luck with that, lady. One other thing you might not know about this one is that she can’t sing and walk down stairs at the same time. She sounds like a car alarm. I got noth­ing else. Randy’s like, no. Paula thinks she has many hid­den tal­ents! Simon is frus­trated. I bet he is, oh ho ho.

a108_asiaapostrophehe.jpgAww, she was a cheer­leader. Good girl! “All By Myself,” oh man, you know this is my jam. This is shaky but I don’t care. Oh no, she totally hic­cupped over her big first tran­si­tion and oh, no, and oh no, oh, not good, this is not good. Screaming means you mean it! Oh man, that got the guys on their feet and I think I saw Danny get­ting a lit­tle emo­tional!!! Oh boooooo BOO, she’s doing the Celine Dion end­ing which I HATE and that dis­ap­points me greatly. Randy and Paula are all like, you brought it home. Simon calls this “one of the diva songs of all time,” but would a diva put out an album cover that looks like this? Simon feels she needs to know her lim­i­ta­tions. Should we give her credit for at least try­ing to go for it? I am clearly of two minds with regard to this per­for­mance.

Let’s look back at the night’s per­for­mances. Wow, they sucked. Brooke looks like Queen at Wembley in ret­ro­spect. Was it as awful as I think it was? It was, wasn’t it? Ugh, oh no, this show, this show.

6 comments to I’m one of those ‘knowl­edge is power’ kinda people

  • pieman

    Yup — it was as bad as you thought it was. I think we could cut down to about three guys and three girls right now, but the rat­ings might suf­fer.
    Carly’s boing­ing was dis­tract­ing me.
    Simon’s hand pose has been annoy­ing me severely lately. If he put his other hand up in the same posi­tion, he’d be Bullwinkle Moose, wouldn’t he?
    The cry­ing baby trick scared me. A lot.
    I think Amanda showed her true self tonight and it was not good at all.
    I was totally dis­tracted by OCD food girl with that gap star­ing me in the face. Is she Michael Strahan?
    Brooke is look­ing really, really strong in this group right now.
    Thanks again for mak­ing the next morn­ing reviews avail­able, Kim!

  • Kim

    P.S. I am ill this morn­ing. I BLAME THIS SHOW.

  • pieman

    I think you should blame Amanda’s hair, pants and danc­ing. That tri­fecta would crip­ple a strong person!

  • SchippeWreck

    Ryan’s butcher­ing of “Kamusta ka?” made me weep. “Kamu-​STAKA!“

  • jane

    Yikes! It’s hard out here for a girl with a tooth gap.
    Also, I hate Amanda, but I love your exactly per­fect expla­na­tion of her hair. And either Carly is preg­nant or she just recently gained 15 lbs and doesn’t know what to do with it yet. Plus, Asia’h lost me for­ever with Celine Dion fiasco. I still can’t fig­ure out what she said after “I never needed any­one,” but I don’t appre­ci­ate the preda­tory way she looked at me when she was singing it.
    In con­clu­sion, Alexandr

  • Kim

    Oh no, Jane, the jinx­ing! I hate this show. Your descrip­tion of Asia’h made me laugh forever.