idol

You’re look­ing so tight

Last night’s show was so awful, it made me phys­i­cally ill today. Ryan cheers me up with a shout-​out via PowerPoint pre­sen­ta­tion of the hot new Simon hand ges­ture that is clearly catch­ing on like WILDFIRE. THIS is American Idol!
Our Up With People salute the Sounds of the Seventies, y’all! Let’s see if the med­ley makes any more earthly sense this week:
“I Saw the Light” (I cursed Todd by invok­ing his name on Tuesday, clearly)
“It’s a Heartache“
“The Things We Do for Love“
“I Feel the Earth Move“
“It’s a Heartache” feels woe­fully out of place. 1978 might as well be the ‘80s, guys. (1977, in the case of 10cc, not so much so. You know I’m right.) David C. opts for a tuxedo T-​shirt, which makes it offi­cial: I hate him for­ever. Amanda butch­ers every­thing she touches. Someone turn Chikezie!‘s mic on! David H. shows off his hot strip­per moves. Cheated out of solos: Danny, Jason C., Ramiele, Asia’h, Luke, Kady—I think that cov­ers it? Michael appears to be under­go­ing some kind of Jeff Tweedy makeover, which I hope includes pro­gres­sively get­ting all bloated and gross. So who’s going home first?
ai08_jasony.jpgHe never reached the bar I set for him, how sad. Chris: “Take that, Miz!” David H. is turn­ing out some hot moves dur­ing this farewell per­for­mance! I see no tears from any­one, how inter­est­ing. Dudes, more cam­era time! Dudes!!! Get with it!

I spend this ad break unrav­el­ing the mys­tery behind Chris think­ing Miguel Alvarez is actu­ally Miguel Lopez-​Fitzgerald, there­fore vehe­mently dis­agree­ing with my crack David H. assess­ment. “Who does he look like?” “Miguel Alvarez!” “No … ” For a sec­ond I thought I was in the Kids in the Hall Citizen Kane sketch.
ai08_alexandreal.jpgOh no, Jane jinxed her! Well, this sure sucks. Hahaha, she calls Ryan “freak” on her way out, all in good fun. She’s leav­ing us far too soon and tak­ing away the biggest part of me, oooh no. That’s right, she made one of those “ironic” song choices. David A. is DISCONSOLATE! as he just remem­bered he hasn’t had a chance to monop­o­lize the TV yet. He’s a fast learner!

On the way to this elim­i­na­tion, Ryan makes a point to talk about how Carly’s had the flu. Didn’t EVERYONE have the flu? Can they please stop shov­ing her down our throats? Please? It’s between Alaina and Kady. Ryan points out that the third per­son who gets called out is the third-​lowest vote-​getter, prov­ing again that he indeed must read me on the reg­u­lar.
ai08_alainaw.jpgOh no, I jinxed her! Aww, no, sob­bing, aww. Is that the most shaken-​up of any­one who’s been kicked off live? I can’t remem­ber the last time if ever any­one was reduced to that much of a blub­ber­ing mess. Ryan evokes the magic words “raw emo­tions.” Cue Danny weep­ing glam­orously! She says she can’t sing, and then every­one is like SING SING because America loves train wrecks, and so she does! Yet another ironic song choice, or at least it is from the first two lines. Yes, yes, she CAN sing after all! Ahh, we are wit­ness­ing the heal­ing process begin through the cathar­tic release of pop music, or some­thing. Thank you, Idol!

Another Idol Gives Back? Really? I mean I’m all for help­ing the under­priv­i­leged and shit, but not at the expense of my AI hap­pi­ness and enter­tain­ment sat­is­fac­tion. I still haven’t recov­ered from those Ben Stiller seg­ments from last year.
That “Don’t Forget the Lyrics” ad made me want to kill some­thing.
OK, it’s down to Luke and Robbie. I will weep for nei­ther of them.
ai08_robbiec.jpgAaaand it’s so long to the dude with the allegedly fake hair. No sex allowed! Chris says that’s pay­back for chang­ing the key of “Hot Blooded” so dra­mat­i­cally. Alexandréa should have done this song instead, for real. Let’s float out of here on these magic words: “You’re look­ing so tight.“

Luke can’t believe his good luck! Look at that guy smile. See, this show does make peo­ple happy after all!

2 comments to You’re look­ing so tight

  • pieman

    From Chris’ board:
    My guess for elim­i­na­tion:
    Alexandrea and Amanda for the girls.
    Jason Y. and Robbie New Kid for the guys.
    Three out of four! I’ve never been that accu­rate. If only I could have been four for four! Amanda needs to come out plat­inum blonde this week to “shake it up.”

  • jane

    If Amanda stays past this week, I will start cut­ting myself. Is this how peo­ple who hon­estly hated Sanjaya felt?