You didn’t wear the Dolphin shorts, THANK GOD.

We’re finally down to an hour­long show! Oh glory! Praise Jesus! How quickly can I burn through this? Ryan looks me in the eyes and says, “Let’s do it.” He totally does! He totally means it! THIS is American Idol!
Top 8 dudes! Songs of the Eighties! My song this week would totally be “All Over Town” by April Wine, you know it. Randy is bring­ing the Sparkle Magick with that shirt. The hell, man. That is … some­thing. Whoa.
ai08_lukem.jpgThis one’s most embar­rass­ing moment is that his sis­ter dressed him up as a bal­le­rina. The visual evi­dence is less embar­rass­ing than his a cap­pella group footage from last week. “Wake Me Up Before You Go-​Go,” oh sweet mer­ci­ful mercy, what is he think­ing?! Does he WANT to get kicked off?! He’s doing things with the lyrics to this song that con­found me. Like it’s mak­ing even less sense than the real thing. This was a very A. Ridgeley per­for­mance. Nice enough to look at! Randy says it’s a lit­tle bit corny, just tryin’ to keep it real. Paula says what is up in the title up there, and adds that he’s very musi­cal. Simon says it was girly, ooh!

ai08_davida.jpgRyan reveals that this one has to pee. I love Ryan. He tells some story about how his most embar­rass­ing moment was that his mom fin­ished a song that he couldn’t sing on stage, or some­thing. HIS LIFE IS ABOUT THE MUSIC, already. Bahahahaha, “Another Day in Paradise,” com­plete with him accom­pa­ny­ing him­self (whoa!) on a piano-​like object, and then he gets up and walks away like it’s a PROP and I laugh and laugh. Lispy! He needs to stop star­ing at me like that. He’s so INTENSE, he’s going to make him­self pee. At least I hope he does. Oh well, it’s over. Randy says it’s nice! Paula is happy that he sang things off key because that makes him imper­fect, which means he’s per­fect! Simon says he needs to lighten up, what­ever. This kid keeps guf­faw­ing like OMG he can’t believe such praise is being heaped upon him, and then talks about how it’s great that the song is about peo­ple who are unfor­tu­nate, and that’s great. Please let me smack him across the face with some­thing, just once. Please.

Denise Richards looks older than I do!
ai08_dannyn.jpgAre you ready for Danny Noriega?! I don’t think you are! He talks about this time he was embar­rassed like a cute lit­tle red tomato. I’m not mak­ing that up. Also, I believe it. He brings us a “Straight Up” (thereby “switched up”) trans­la­tion of “Tainted Love.” Strut! Shake it! Oh, don’t shake it that hard. OK, keep shak­ing it any­way! OMG, that was tremen­dous. Randy says he’s got all the mad atti­tude for all the peo­ple in the place, bring the vocals, bring it. Paula says he has a spicy side! No shit! Simon thought it was hor­ri­ble and use­less. Booooo! He’s just try­ing to keep him in the com­pe­ti­tion. He’s a genius! Danny throws shade all over the place. There’s so much awe­some going on here I can’t even go into it.

ai08_davidh.jpgHis most embar­rass­ing moment was that he had a booger in his nose dur­ing a photo shoot, which sucked since he had awe­some hair and clothes, or some­thing. Snore. I wanted to hear strip­per sto­ries! “It’s All Coming Back to Me,” what? Because no one asso­ciates this song with Celine Dion and 1996. NOT POSSIBLE. I’m dis­ap­pointed! Randy is like, what­ever, I’m not pay­ing atten­tion. Paula, what­ever. Simon, what­ever. Everyone sort of likes it! I am non­plussed! I take it David is start­ing to acknowl­edge the power of zest. BRING IT!

There was a dude who looked like Tim Roth in that “New Amsterdam” ad and I FREAKED OUT and rewound it but it turned out not to be Tim Roth. I don’t know why I’m typ­ing this.
ai08_michaelj.jpgThis one’s embar­rass­ing moment was being dressed as a kan­ga­roo at a rugby match. Did you know he’s AUSTRALIAN?! Take notes and learn about the Land Down Under and the People Who Used to Live There! “Don’t You Forget About Me,” or sorry, “Don’t You (Forget About Me),” OK decent song choice, I guess. Nice pleather jacket. Oh no, what is this busi­ness with going up an octave? What? Yes, sound more whiny, that is an excel­lent tac­tic. “The Aussie boy goes home for Eighties week,” Randy says, invok­ing the name of M. Hutchence. Did he for­get who actu­ally sings this song? See, this is a PROBLEM, if you don’t man­age to con­vince any­one that you make the song “your own,” but instead you con­fuse them into think­ing it was orig­i­nally by the per­son you are imi­tat­ing. I give this shit the fin­ger. Paula is so glad you are the type of artist who is defin­ing who you are. Everyone is unique and dif­fer­ent, and he is no excep­tion! That state­ment is con­tra­dic­tory! Simon “really, really” likes him. Snore.

ai08_davidc.jpgAugh, some­one says “gui­tar” and this guy’s name. I’m con­signed to mis­ery. Wait, he’s hav­ing prob­lems with the gui­tar? Does Jesus love me that much? Oh no, it works. BOO. He attempts to win me over by explain­ing how his embar­rass­ing moment hap­pened while singing “Sandman” by America. Nah’ gah’ work, sorry. Is he doing some­thing dif­fer­ent with his hair/​face/​something? He looks dif­fer­ent. Clearly some­one is groom­ing his eye­brows. I can spot eye­brow tweak­age a mile away. OK, this is … “Hello” (is it him you’re look­ing for? no) with a dirgey gui­tar and he’s try­ing to sound like some­body, and I’m too lazy to deci­pher who it is, maybe Jason Falkner again but I am too aggra­vated to care that much, and this is a total “by way of Live” bull­shit exam­ple of “switch­ing it up.” Randy likes it. Paula says he is a shin­ing star. Simon gives him a brave choice award and says he lll­l­lloved it. What? WHAT?!

ai08_jasonc.jpgThe embar­rass­ing thing that hap­pened to this dude hap­pened when he was soooo hii­i­igh. I need to stop doing that. “Hallelujah,” oh … no. Just don’t. No. Oh, he’s try­ing, bless him, but … no. He’s doing this kind of Glen Campbell/​John Davidson talk-​singing thing at points that makes me want to give up on life. He totally bakes (get it?!) the last note, and .. starts laugh­ing? Randy is all, like, degree of dif­fi­culty, good lookin’ out, some­thing some­thing. Paula talks about vul­ner­a­bil­ity, remind­ing us all that we are telling a story from week to week, chil­dren. Simon says “absolutely bril­liant.” I need a whiff of the crazy gas they’re pump­ing in there. Aww, I think this dude is going to smile his face off. Aww, it’s kinda sweet, almost. But lest we for­get:

Bless you, JC. I totally remem­ber watch­ing that at the time, 1992, on some­one else’s TV, my first year in New York, alone, broke and mis­er­able. Good times! That hair­cut still looks hot BTW.
ai08_chikezieexclamationpoint.jpgHis most embar­rass­ing moment was real­iz­ing he was using a women’s bath­room. Dude, it hap­pens. “All the [Wo]man I Need,” well then. She fills him up! She gives him love! More love than he’s ever seen! You know, it’s so much more pleas­ant when the gen­ders are reversed on this song. Again, no one would ever asso­ciate this song with Whitney Houston and 1991. Oooh, hot falsetto. Intensity! Randy is like, tough song choice baby, yeah yeah. Paula is proud of him! Simon is all, like, no, as he does for any­one who sings some­thing Whitney Houston sang. Again I am left won­der­ing: Do these peo­ple never learn?!

Then again, I should talk. Oh ho ho. See you tomorrow!

8 comments to You didn’t wear the Dolphin shorts, THANK GOD.

  • pieman

    Kim — I think Danny’s going home. I had signed on your Noriega Bandwagon, but I think it’s the end of the road for Danny and Luke. Not that the rest of them were any good, but Luke and Danny stood out as more bad than the oth­ers.
    I like Jason Castro and his crack­ing voice, though. Thanks for the youtube clip; I had never heard that ver­sion before. Excellent.
    Randy had me run­ning to the inter­net with the Hutchence ref­er­ence, because I was pos­i­tive it was Jim Kerr and Simple Minds. Randy sucks. Can’t even name drop cor­rectly!
    What’s with Cook and the gui­tar? Poser.
    Sorry about Danny.

  • jane

    I wish you watched this at my house because Dollie was on fire. I can’t even remem­ber what she was say­ing, only that I was cry­ing. Also, there was a lot of scream­ing.
    “I won­der what Chikezie will sing“
    “‘ Word Up,’ prob­a­bly.” AH!
    When the guy started singing “Hello”? AH!
    Danny Noriega’s entire per­for­mance? AH!
    Tonight will pale in com­par­i­son, no doubt.

  • Clearly, *I* made the right “brave choice” last night by watch­ing elec­tion returns instead of that show.
    MY 1980s song? Prince’s “The Beautiful Ones”

  • What, no com­men­tary from Chris on Chikezie this week?

  • Kim

    Danny can’t be going home. No way Jos

  • frank

    No com­ment on Danny’s “mmmmh­hh­m­mmm?” after Ryan said he didn’t notice the pur­ple highlights?

  • Kim

    See, that seemed like an every­day nor­mal exchange to me. I want to live in their world.