I caused the pom-​pom hairdo. Sorry, everyone.

These peo­ple wip­ing away tears in the “Moment of Truth” promo reflect how I am feel­ing right now. Ryan is look­ing very glam­orous G-​man tonight. I approve! Oh, wait, I didn’t notice the jeans. Ehhh. Randy looks like he’s wear­ing candy bracelets. THIS is American Idol!
Top 8 ladies! Oh yes it’s Eighties night and the feel­ing is not right, it’s not right at all. Can they just get rid of most of them now? Please?
a108_asiaapostrophehe.jpgOMG, was she an extra in Roll Bounce? Is that what she’s try­ing to tell us? Her out­fit appears to be made of Fruit Roll-​Ups. “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” some­how I had a feel­ing some­one was going to do this song, and some­how I had a feel­ing it would be her. The fly of those Fruit Roll-​Up pants makes it look like she’s … pack­ing. That’s all I’m say­ing. This is really shaky and not good. Didn’t they get the memo about not singing Whitney songs? I guess they taped this before I sent it out last night. Randy and Paula ram­ble on about noth­ing. Simon reacts as expected. Ryan’s jeans are dis­tract­ing me. The stitch­ing, ugh. Bad stitch­ing. Bad pants all around.

ai08_kadym.jpgYou know, I guess this one’s not all evil. She seems nice enough. Oh, and then she starts singing. “Who Wants to Live Forever?,” well, this should be a TREAT. Oh, this is not going well, not well at—OH MY GOD, wow, was she flat there. And there! (Wait, she’s not that flat! Ba-​dum-​bum.) You can just see her eyes go from bad to worse. It’s like watch­ing some­one die. Randy and Paula must be smok­ing bowls with Jason C., for they are kind and gen­tle like flower peo­ple. Simon invokes “Stepford Wives,” as he and I are con­nected for all eter­nity. Although I did say that about the other bland blond lady, but what­ever. The magic ques­tion: What can she do to show more per­son­al­ity? Chris: “Show more boobs!“

ai08_amandao.jpgTrouble just seems to fol­low this lady every­where she goes, doesn’t it? “I Hate Myself for Loving You,” why, it’s a bach­e­lorette party at karaōke night. Sparkles! She can’t stop singing to the floor. She hates her­self for lov­ing the floor. She’s like Katharine McPhee that way. All I can do dur­ing this is think about Jane resort­ing to “secret cut­ting” at this moment and it makes me even sad­der. Randy likes it. Paula likes it. Simon says it’s “fan­tas­tic” and she “nailed it.” I’m going to nail myself to some­thing pretty soon by the looks of things.

ai08_carlys.jpgHer most embar­rass­ing moment involves but­ter and oil. Yeah. “I Drove All Night,” well really now. Wait, that part really isn’t sup­posed to go like that, is it? Just check­ing. Oh honey, those pants are not flat­ter­ing. Someone told you wrong. Has she got­ten jowlier in the last seven days? I think she has a dif­fer­ent head on this week, or maybe her cheeks are full of … but­ter and oil. She gets two yeses and a not really. I can’t stop look­ing at those pants. They’re so gross! Mom jeans! This is seri­ously bad pants day. I’m offended.

ai08_kristylc.jpgWhen she was a kid, she had a dog bowl she used to drink out of! I got noth­ing else. “Faithfully,” OK, now some­one is jok­ing. Hello, boobs!!! Are there stuffed ani­mals jammed in there? I’m just won­der­ing. Ugh, shrieky. This is bad but it is far from the worst thing tonight. It almost makes a weird kind of sense all coun­tried out like that. THERE IS NO LIFE IN THOSE EYES. THIS WOMAN HAS NO SOUL. Oh whew it’s over, I felt my inner light being sucked out by those black holes on her face. Randy is like, yeah yeah. Paula has noth­ing but pos­i­tiv­ity. Simon says she’s for­get­table. From the neck up!

Chris: “Is that the most boobs I’m going to get?” He seems awfully dis­ap­pointed.
Dude, I totally bought a ton of that Jovovich Hawk—for Target the other day. Everything is either extremely cute or extremely ugly! That makes for an easy shop­ping expe­ri­ence.
ai08_ramielem.jpgPinoy power! Her embar­rass­ing story is espe­cially heart­break­ing, aww. “Against All Odds,” oh no, I think Jane is going to start cut­ting her­self again. She is tak­ing this song to WEIRD PLACES. What key is this? I feel dizzy. I’m smelling burnt toast. Is my brain explod­ing? OK, it’s over, it’s passed, whew. Aww, she’s so cute, though. Look how cute she is! Anyone who wears red and pur­ple together is instantly in my heart. Well, most any­one. (Kady’s wear­ing royal blue tonight, not pur­ple. I checked.) Everyone talks for 10 min­utes about noth­ing. Danny is wear­ing her nerdy old glasses! It’s like they’re try­ing to get me to be their brother, their best friend for­ever.

For two nights in a row I haven’t paid atten­tion to the Fox 9 News at 9 pro­mos. I’m sorry. They’re always so, so good.
ai08_brookew.jpg“Love Is a Battlefield,” UNPLUGGED. Switching it up! First con­tes­tant to start a song perched on the edge of the stage, check. Chris: “Is she not able to stand or some­thing?” No prom-​ee-​says, eh? I got noth­ing else. Her pants aren’t bad, at least. Randy and Paula take this moment to rem­i­nisce about video chore­o­g­ra­phers. Simon is a lit­tle in love with her, I guess. Hey, her husband’s CUTE! Did you see him? Maybe he and Simon are going to fight. I’d buy that for a dol­lar.

I hate this stu­pid girl with the dumb stu­pid face who can’t stop star­ing out the sun­roof and the music is all OOOOOH oooh and WHEN WILL THIS COMMERCIAL GO AWAY
ai08_syesham.jpgUgh, I for­got this one’s still around. She tells a story about when she was a child, which I’d wager places it around 1968. She’s sav­ing all her love for you! WHO THREW AWAY THE WHITNEY MEMO?! Ugh, she says the “M-​L” line. She and Carly both tonight, eew. Eew, hip gyra­tions. Eew girl, eew. And bad pants. I need to send out a memo about THAT too. Everything about this one is fake, fake, fake. None of the judges have any­thing excit­ing to say aside from “good.” Snore! She’s like the snore queen.

Hey, no “Father Figure”! Maybe they do that one tomor­row. We can only hope. (For a quick and pain­less death.)

4 comments to I caused the pom-​pom hairdo. Sorry, everyone.

  • JK

    Smelling burnt toast~~~
    I wish you would do this for Canadian Idol too.

  • jane

    Ramiele is so cute that I still think she is cute even after she did very bad things with my favorite song ever and nearly broke your brain. I got through it by singing over her and pre­tend­ing that I am that cute. It was almost fun.
    Why do I hate Syesha so much?
    What are the judges hear­ing in Carly that I am not?
    A guy at work sang “I Hate Myself For Loving You” at his desk yes­ter­day, lounge-​act style (I want to say this was an amaz­ing coin­ci­dence, but he did sing 20 songs yes­ter­day. I made a list.) and it was so much bet­ter than Amanda. Plus when they say she is good and she’s like totally unboth­ered? Ugh. I have stopped cut­ting and started fan­ta­siz­ing about punch­ing her in the face. It’s bet­ter that way.

  • pieman

    There wasn’t a lot to dif­fer­en­ti­ate among these females tonight. Nobody was awful, but nobody was great. I think Brooke is safe and prob­a­bly Carly, though I am not see­ing it.
    Fearless pre­dic­tion for those leav­ing the show (fol­low­ing my 75% suc­cess rate last week):
    Danny and Luke
    Kady and Kristy

  • Kim

    I hate Syesha so so so so so much too!!! I don’t know where it’s com­ing from but I just want her gone from my life for­ever. Also P.S. I imag­ine you singing in my head and it glad­dens me greatly.
    Oh and pie­man, I was way impressed with your 3 out of 4 last week. I wouldn’t have been able to call that. We’ll see. WELL SEE.