What makes you think you’re some­thing spe­cial when you smile?

New cred­its! New set! Same old crap! I am mes­mer­ized by Ryan’s watch. Seriously, look at that thing. THIS is American Idol!
The new cred­its are more pur­ple than ever! The American Idol Pride Hierarchy is freshly re-​established: white chicks in the mid­dle, then black chicks, then dudes waaay off to the side. Got it. The new set has lots of rain­bow lights and … cir­cu­lar … things. All over. RICKEY MINOR AND THE BAND! are now way up out of the way on a plat­form, so we can’t be dis­tracted by their tech­ni­cal pro­fi­ciency or how much more they’re into the music than the con­tes­tants are. I hope this adds up to lots of bad missed cues and songs falling to pieces ’cause no one can see one another. Also, there is now a “mosh pit” in front of the stage. Yes, Ryan calls it that. “Mosh pit.” Oh Ryan, you’re so sweet to try to make me laugh, but no. Our Top 12 stum­ble out onto the stage through doors and blind­ing light like all the alien abductees at the end of Close Encounters. What a fas­ci­nat­ing anal­ogy they’ve made for me. Thank you, set design­ers!
This week, we waste no time in butcher­ing the newly rights-​negotiated Lennon/​McCartney cat­a­log! What would be my Lennon/​McCartney AI song? “Hey Bulldog,” you know it. (Muttonchops! Dang, George sure was hot, wasn’t he? Good Lord.) Paula help­fully informs us “these songs are full of melody.” I see David C. is going for the “Ryan Adams rolled out of a ditch” look. I hope some­one will do “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road?” tonight—David H., I’m look­ing at you. Or rather David C., since he looks like he rolled out of a ditch any­way. I miss Danny! So does my mom, who agrees with me that his sassi­ness gave us our only rea­son to live this sea­son. Tear.
Two hours. I’m watch­ing this live, inci­den­tally. The things I do to myself. Let’s get it started!
ai08_syesham.jpgSyesha was always active in every­thing, she tells us. Great. Her look tonight is very Debbie Allen. Like broke­down Debbie Allen. “Got to Get You Into My Life,” hey, this isn’t Earth Wind & Fire night! Better not tell HER that! Ugh. I do not care. Her skin still looks hideous on HD, by the way. She gets excited that Simon likes it, and pro­ceeds to look about 53. So when she was talk­ing about “lis­ten­ing to the oldies sta­tion,” I guess that means they were play­ing those Edison wax cylin­ders? I got noth­ing else. Vote no!

ai08_chikezieexclamationpoint.jpgChikezie is zest­ing up his look tonight with a fly gray/​green argyle vest and green wrist­band. He’s cel­e­brat­ing St. Patrick’s Day early! (I’m giv­ing up on call­ing him Chikezie!, I just don’t have the energy.) He has made his peace with the Danny sit­u­a­tion, he informs us. I clearly have not. He’s putting his own funk on “She’s a Woman”! This involves a banjo, fid­dle, tam­bourine and bizarre CAMPFIRE EFFECTS on the video screens. Yeehaw. Uh. What? What just hap­pened? Where am I? OK, for American Idol, this is F-​ing … awe­some? I mean he’s let­ting it get away from him in parts and his hoe­down moves are kinda embar­rass­ing, but shit, man. I can’t believe Chris is miss­ing this. Oh, Chikezie, you’ve won me back! Ryan is a lit­tle overly excited about this. I’m a lit­tle overly fright­ened by that. He’s bap­tiz­ing him­self in Chikezie sweat. Zest twins power acti­vate!

ai08_ramielem.jpgRamiele works at “a sushi place” which makes her smell like soy sauce. Pinoy power! “In My Life,” oh yawn. The mes­sage of this song is about how you never for­get the peo­ple you’re close to, or some­thing. Ohh, she’s pour­ing some out for her peeps who are no longer with us on this show, aww. I hope she doesn’t start cry­ing! This is cute and schmalzy. Just like she is! She is doomed to have to fol­low crazy rock hill­billy black man Chikezie, how sad. Randy says “it just laid there” and “didn’t move any earth”. I think that’s sex­ual harass­ment! Everyone hates it and was bored, and she makes a pouty face. Aww! Her fam­ily is yukking it up at the harsh crit­i­cism. Look out, that’s the Filipino way! We just don’t give a shit! Don’t cross us, man, we’ll cut you!

I just dragged Chris down to see Chikezie: “Hey, this isn’t Nigerian music.“
ai08_jasonc.jpgIf you’re going to American Idol, be sure to wear some flow­ers in your hair. That’s what this dude does! I still say he looks like a chick. He says the Beatles did things with music that were rev­o­lu­tion­ary, or some­thing, which is why he chooses to per­form “If I Fell.” Of course! Acoustic gui­tar, sit­ting down, check. I think I’ll take a nap now. Is a train com­ing? Do I need to drop a quar­ter in a gui­tar case some­where? Jeez, this dude has taken over the Rex Smith man­tle from Garrett. Hey, remem­ber Garrett? Those were good times. Dreads are the new shoulder-​length perm! He’s mak­ing weird faces. Why is it an unbear­able exer­tion for him to make it look like he’s not try­ing? I think it got Paula all hot, because she says it’s spe­cial and unique and she feels his heart, which is a spe­cial con­nec­tion that makes him truly unique. Simon calls it “stu­dent in a bed­room at mid­night.” I guess that’s why Paula likes it! Ryan too! Simon and Ryan get sassy with each other, which val­i­dates every­thing I’ve suf­fered through up to this point.

Skinny Lauren Ambrose trou­bles me with her skin­ni­ness.
ai08_carlys.jpgCarly and Amanda are room­mates! That sounds like a dream come true. Carly says she has to have pota­toes. Happy St. Patrick’s Day y’all! “Come Together,” well then. Hmm. Maybe it’s the set or the light­ing or the drugs I’m on, but this is all pretty good and she at least makes me not sit around and won­der what’s so great about her. OK, OK, fine, I give. She needs to stop smil­ing like that, though, her cheeks and pointy nose and pointy teeth are freak­ing me out. This per­for­mance earns one sexy wink from Simon! That’s the true seal of approval right there.

ai08_davidc.jpgDavid C. says you really have to be on your game with Beatles songs, because peo­ple know them. Actually, a lot of peo­ple know a lot of the songs per­formed on a lot of American Idol episodes, but what­ever, what do I know. “Eleanor Rigby,” hey, I per­formed this in a tal­ent show in sec­ond grade! I for­got the sec­ond verse. I’ve never for­got­ten that I for­got the sec­ond verse. In sec­ond grade. He’s turn­ing in a Michael per­for­mance before Michael has a chance to, that’s a smart move. Also wise: NOT PLAYING GUITAR. He’s wear­ing a jacket bor­rowed from the “Radio Ga Ga” video. By the time this is over, that dude from Staind is gonna call in a hit on him for swag­ger jack­ing. Everyone loves it! Simon says he could win it all if this show was based on tal­ent and not pop­u­lar­ity, ooh burn.

One in four high school aged girls has a sex­u­ally trans­mit­ted dis­ease! Details tonight on the Fox 9 News at 10!
(Yes, we have a Fox 9 News at 9 and a Fox 9 News at 10. We’re lucky.)
ai08_brookew.jpgLook, it’s nanny Brooke! The image of her clamp­ing that towel over that kid’s face and the cam­era pan­ning away is TERRIFYING. Did she just chlo­ro­form that baby?! Shit, man! Somebody do some­thing!!! Oh hey, she’s singing “Let It Be,” because some­times in the end you gotta let it be. That’s what she tells us. Oh hey, she’s play­ing the piano. Oh hey, that light­ing is NOT flat­ter­ing. Oof. She is bear­ing more than a pass­ing resem­blance to Leslie Mann. She’s try­ing to get a lit­tle gospelly, or some­thing, and it just don’t work quite right. I mean it’s nice and all but it’s leav­ing me feel­ing eh. Aww, she’s all teary eyed, aww. Everyone loves it! She’s a nice lady. Also, she and Ryan look really cute together. I think they are my dream cou­ple, even more than Ryan and Simon. Aww, it’s just a happy feel­good time. Whatever. I’m tired, I’m clearly los­ing it.

ai08_davidh.jpgI enjoy this singer! I wish he would not side­step his danc­ing expe­ri­ence when dis­cussing his back­ground. He’s really stoked! to be singing … “I Saw Her Standing There.” Oh no, oh no oh no, this wor­ries me. Like severely. And the real­ity, oh no. This is like if Marc Anthony was on “High School Musical,” or some­thing. Don’t tell me that sounds awe­some, because it’s not. Oh no, David, David, David, don’t try to con­vince us of your lust for females at the expense of a good per­for­mance. Simon: “Corny verg­ing on des­per­ate.” I’m sad for this singer!

Tracking Wet Weather Wednesday! Caught on tape: A tire falls off a semi! All this and more TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
ai08_amandao.jpgAmanda is opt­ing for the Farrah hair tonight. Also, those pants make her legs look like they’re in JAIL. “You Can’t Do That,” oh my good­ness. She heard it for the first time this week, she explains. Yeah, clearly this song has a lot of depth and mean­ing if you’ve never heard of it and mean­while you’ve got the entire Lennon/​McCartney cat­a­log in front of you. I got noth­ing else. Whatever. Oh this should be pre­cious. Um … I don’t think she’s even singing in English. Hahahaha, Simon agrees with me. Seriously, I don’t know what to think any­more. I don’t think respected actor Taye Diggs knows what to think either.

ai08_michaelj.jpgCan I just turn off the TV now? He says he’s “done every­thing you can think of” in order to make ends meet. Ooh, cue “The Boys of Hollywood Boulevard”! Tell me more! Hmm, “Across the Universe.” You know, I wouldn’t try that. I just wouldn’t. Nothing spe­cial. Snore. Ugh, bum notes. Oh MAN his “big arrange­ment” kicks in with strings and are you kid­ding me? LAME. You want to talk about corny, oh man. He’s show­ing Paula “all the tex­tures of per­for­mance,” appar­ently. And, she hopes, his wiener! The dudes are like all bored. I want these four min­utes back des­per­ately.

ai08_kristylc.jpgAnd I’m just going to for­get THIS ever hap­pened. F-​ing A.

ai08_davida.jpgUgh. This lit­tle goon. He says his father is a jazz musi­cian, so that means his father likes jazz music. OK. He’s try­ing to con­vince us that “We Can Work It Out” is a chal­lenge that he might not be up for. Whatever dude. Hey, this isn’t Stevie Wonder night! Ugh, this is all CD101.9’ed out, are you kid­ding? Hmm … and maybe he wasn’t kid­ding about being wor­ried, eew girl eew, this is a hot tranny mess. HAHAHAHA HE FORGOT THE WORDS HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man, the look of FLOP TERROR has taken him over, and it is awe­some. AHHHH! AGAIN! HE FORGOT THEM AGAIN!!! I declare this turn of events deli­cious. Wow, what a way to end Lennon/​McCartney night! Unlike Randy and Paula, Simon refuses to kiss this guy’s ass, as he expects bet­ter. I can already see him ask­ing Amanda to teach him the tricks of just makin’ shit up while you’re san­gin’.

Ohhh, I miss Danny. I won­der what he would have done tonight? I vote “Revolution.” I bet he could turn out “She’s Leaving Home” like it would make you want to kill your­self. In a good way! See, this show is so much poorer with­out him. :’(
So did I man­age to jinx my top two picks by declar­ing them my top two picks? All signs point to yes!

4 comments to What makes you think you’re some­thing spe­cial when you smile?

  • SchippeWreck

    PINOY POW…uh…she’s not giv­ing me a lot to work with here. Thankfully the Kristy Lee Abomination should keep Ramiele safe at least one more week.

  • pieman

    I can’t believe you didn’t com­ment on Kristy! What a train­wreck. Was she even singing the same song the band was play­ing?
    David A. was awful. Yay for us.
    David H. was just as awful. Boo for us.
    The first half of the show was sur­pris­ingly decent, with Jacuzzi just plain killing it! We were awestruck by his sweater and danc­ing and damn, he was bring­ing it.
    We still like Jason at our house, even if it wasn’t mid­night in the student’s room. We can’t get over that he’s from Texas and goes to A&M.
    With you on Amanda — how do you pick a song you’ve NEVER heard? Aren’t there like 1000 songs in this cat­a­log of Lennon/​McCartney? I made up that num­ber, but I bet it’s big.
    Thanks again, Kim, and we miss Danny, too.…..

  • jane

    Yes! Yes yes. PS We picked almost all the same quotes, which is such a val­i­da­tion for me.
    Is it weird that we have the same news pro­mos? I guess sex­u­ally trans­mit­ting teens is a nation­wide issue. Also, skinny Lauren Ambrose trou­bles me with her Islanders jer­sey. Grr.
    At first, I was happy for Chris when Chikezie was being awe­some. Then I got happy for myself when Chikezie was being awe­some. Then Ramiele and David H. made me sad. THEN my brain started hurt­ing because I real­ized I can’t decide if I hate Amanda or David C. (or as my mom calls him, “The One With The Head”) more.

  • Kim

    I saw the Islanders jer­sey and just kind of shook my head and left it alone. This show really was dis­heart­en­ing except for the re-​awakening of joy and ohhh glory with the Triumph of Chikezie. Watch, he’ll prob­a­bly end up in the bot­tom three now. P.S. your mom, as always, is awesome.