She was a day stripper

I think I had an even WORSE day today than I had the last time I had a bad day going into this. Did that make sense? Probably not. I can’t even get moti­vated to fire up the DVR. I’m busy tak­ing advan­tage of the SPECIAL SAVINGS! on the Martha Stewart fake Le Creuset from Macy’s, or sorry, Macy*s. How excited am I? I’m so excited. Not about this show, though. Oh no, my only joy comes from the pur­chase of dis­count enam­eled cast iron cook­ery. Do I have time to burn through this and still “catch Craig”? Probably not. Oh well. THIS is American Idol!
“Two full hours,” ugh. Shut up. We’re back with the Beatles! Ryan is BLACK with the Beatles. (By which I mean he’s wear­ing all black. Shh. I’m tired.) What could I pos­si­bly fol­low up “Hey Bulldog” with? “I’m Looking Through You,” or per­haps “Run for Your Life,” GARY LEWIS STYLE. Say word. Don’t shake your fist at me, David C.! OK, I admit it, I’m slowly being won over by Jason’s total stoner retar­da­tion syn­drome. Chikezie’s shoes are shiny! Ramiele made a bad hat deci­sion. Paula’s shirt is shiny! Seriously, I think I’m a lit­tle in love with Paula’s shirt. It’s like com­pletely glit­ter– and jewel-​encrusted. Hypnotized by her own sparkle, Paula utters the word “gump­tion.” OH we have a sexy wink from Simon to Ryan. It’s what I live for. Sad, really. As you can tell, every­one is talk­ing for 20 min­utes about noth­ing. Ryan is try­ing to place the Beatles in con­text for our audi­ence. Can we get this over with?
ai08_amandao.jpg“Back in the USSR” has “a blues ele­ment” to it. OK. Oh wow. I hope Ryan will help­fully place “the USSR” in con­text for our audi­ence. Oh no, help, help me if you can, it just started. What’s hap­pen­ing? Where am I? I think I just lost my mind. This has given me Alzheimer’s. You know how some­times when you’re sit­ting in the back seat of a car that’s going kinda fast, and the win­dows are down a lit­tle bit up front, and there’s that hor­ri­ble WHAP WHAP WHAP of air pres­sure that makes you think you’ve tem­porar­ily gone deaf and/​or insane? Yes, that’s it exactly. “Bally-​like-​ahs,” well then. So all I have to do is get a cou­ple DUIs, lie about my age (I can pass for 23 before this one any day, for real) and go up there and scream off-​key about noth­ing in a pur­posely ruinous and hurt­ful man­ner and it’ll be just super-​dee-​duper? Got it. Randy had “a cou­ple issues.” Paula says “when you con­nect, you are quin­tes­sen­tial, authen­tic who you are.” I love you, Paula, don’t ever change. Also, you are hear­ing things. Scary things. Simon is bored. Bored! I love you, Simon, don’t ever change. I’m sorry, I mean THIS IS THE BEST AI PERFORMER EVER! SHE GETS MY VOTE! OH I HOPE I HAVEN’T JINXED HER NOW, I REALLY DON’T!

ai08_kristylc.jpgKristy has photo album props and a very shiny out­fit that’s made out of, like, a stripper’s shower cur­tain. Oh look, it’s a pic­ture of her with a dog and moun­tains. Look, there’s a pic­ture of her and a horse. Remember her and the damn horse? I think she’s sub­li­mat­ing her boobs tonight. I don’t know if that’s a good idea. “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away.” She says she picked it because of the title. THE TITLE. SHE DOES NOT ACTUALLY KNOW THIS SONG. I just died a lit­tle inside. This is like some off-​key fake Dusty in Memphis by way of Debbie Gibson bull­shit. She is such a robot, she fright­ens me. Upskirt alert! Nice cow­boy boots. Everyone is like eh. Randy says “Go dere! Go dere!” I’m not lying. Simon calls her “wall­pa­per” and says she only makes an impact when she’s ter­ri­ble. Yes, and Amanda is some­how being rewarded for that. Kristy vows to “blow you out of your socks,” oh my, scan­dalous. I bet she means it!!!

ai08_davida.jpgLet’s revisit the time when this one for­got the lyrics. I’m sorry, the only cover of “The Long and Winding Road” worth any­thing is and will always be by Zumpano. Many times he’s been alone, and many times he’s cried. I can only imag­ine that to be com­pletely true. ZESTIFY! SELL IT! Oh my God, some­thing in my brain just snapped and I can’t stop laugh­ing!!! Oh my God. Oh my God. He’s just so SERIOUS and squinty and creepy and SERIOUS that it has sucked every last bit of sense out of me. Someone could pull my wis­dom teeth right now and I wouldn’t even notice. This has made me just that loony. Randy says he’s brought the hot­ness back to his game tonight, yeah yeah! Paula says excit­ing and warm and purity, iden­ti­fi­able, ris­ing above adver­sity and build­ing char­ac­ter some­thing some­thing. Oh shit, I some­how thought Simon would say the words “mas­ter class” and then he TOTALLY DID! This per­for­mance has made me psy­chic.
Wait, no, psy­chotic, that’s what I was going for. At the very least, delu­sional.

Let’s meet your Fox 9 Weather First team! These dudes all give me the creeps! Ryan tries to sell me an iPhone. I’m sorry, as long as that phone is on Cingular Is the New AT&T that thing is dead to me.
ai08_michaelj.jpgThis one tries to remind us that he sang “Bohemian Rhapsody” and it was “absolute magic” or some shit. OK, I may be tak­ing that out of con­text, but you know that’s what he means. OH F YOU, he just said he’s doing “A Day in the Life.” Good luck with THAT. He says he “took all the best parts,” because he knows bet­ter than God and all of us. Yes, this song has so many shitty down moments, that’s what it’s known for. You douche. I’m sure this will be a hot mess, or a hot tranny mess as the kids today say. Hahahaha, nice “House of LAAAAARHHHHRDcoffcoffS” there. AHHHH. AHHHH. AHHHH, AHHHH. AHHHH. Sorry, I was join­ing in. Did he some­how get this song mixed up with “Tuesday Afternoon” some­where along the way? I think he did! Shaking your head to affect vibrato is not attrac­tive, just a thought. Randy wants him to sing and let his big ol’ voice do its thing, dog. Paula admits she was stalk­ing him dur­ing dress rehearsal and he was bet­ter then. A likely story! Simon says “mess” because we are some­how the same per­son. “You have to start sort­ing your­self out,” he declares. Must be the meth! Oh boy, so he reaches into the bag of tricks to bring up a dead friend and that was his favorite song and everyone’s like WOOOOOO!!!! Oh Jesus. This show.

ai08_brookew.jpgChris: “How’s she going to sit down this week?” She says “Nova Scotia” and “Halifax” in a bla­tant attempt to make me love her. Her dress is a lit­tle adorable, or maybe a hor­ror. I haven’t decided yet. “Here Comes the Sun,” doo-​doo-​doo-​doo. Oh, she IS sit­ting! Chris is a genius. This is kind of sharp and sung out of the back of her throat and really kind of … awful. She’s a nice lady! AHH! SHE’S STANDING! Oh my Lord, there was a “whoo.” I am lit­er­ally winc­ing. I can’t even see what’s going on any­more, for I can­not stop winc­ing. Chris can’t stop laugh­ing at the spin­ning around and other “per­for­mance ele­ments” that lead one to believe she is bet­ter off sit­ting after all. Randy: “awk­ward” and “not hot”. Paula can’t help but smile! She showed a dif­fer­ent color! Uh, hmm. Simon: “ter­ri­ble.” Oh no, and now she can’t stop talk­ing. Please stop talk­ing. Stop try­ing to explain your­self. Stop insist­ing you under­stand and agree with and deserve the crit­i­cism and you can han­dle it because you know, you know, you under­stand and you know, you really do. I need to go beat my head on some­thing, please excuse me, you know, you know, you under­stand, you know, you really do.

ai08_davidc.jpgThat rock con­cert feel makes him euphoric! Or some­thing. At least he’s admit­ting he’s attempt­ing to rip off a Whitesnake inter­pre­ta­tion of “Day Tripper.” Suck it Chris Daughtry! Remember: This guy is THE BEST and LIKE AMANDA, HE IS MY PICK TO WIN IT ALL. He’s tak­ing that Ryan Adams look to a whole new level of ugly awe­some­ness! “Day Stripper,” eh? Apparently! Nice leather pants, dude. Nice gut. His head reminds me of the raw slab of corned beef in our fridge. Oh no, oh no oh no oh no, he’s doing the Peter Frampton thing. I know it has a name but I’m sorry, I can’t be both­ered to look it up. I just spent about 20 sec­onds with my hands over my face. Oh no, wait, I’m sorry, HE’S MY PICK TO WIN IT ALL, DAVID C. AND AMANDA FIRST DUAL AI BOY-​GIRL CHAMPIONS EVER. He caps it off by throw­ing his pick into the crowd. I just threw up a lit­tle. I mean WOW THAT WAS AWESOME. Randy loves it! Paula loves it! He brags about how he just learned the Peter Frampton thing yes­ter­day. Hahaha, Simon goes for “smug” and piles on as much addi­tional bitch­i­ness as he can, because he is an out­stand­ing voice of rea­son in an increas­ingly baf­fling world. Wait, I mean BOOOO.

Ryan informs us that these Beatles songs are spe­cial and stand the test of time. Why does Randy keep refer­ring to “copy­rights”? Is that some new hip slang the kids are using on the streets?
ai08_carlys.jpg“Blackbird,” well then. Nice soc­cer mom at the wine tast­ing out­fit, there. Seriously, she is turn­ing into Ann Wilson before our eyes. Looking at her, I am reminded of Amy Poehler as Nancy Grace say­ing, “Yes, I am wear­ing upper and lower lashes.” Hey, there’s an unnec­es­sary key change! Let’s try to make this into some­thing it’s not! Isn’t the thing about this song that it’s under­stated and quiet and not screamy and bom­bas­tic? Simon is like, ugh, and she’s all like, “oh it’s a metaphor for being beaten down by the indus­try” and now she can’t stop talk­ing and Simon is like “oh what­ever” and I’m busy try­ing to find a pic­ture of John Candy as Harry, the Guy With the Snake on His Face after see­ing her hus­band again. Did Randy say some­thing about a bird eat­ing cream cheese? Why are they let­ting con­tes­tants run they mouths off so damn much? Ugh, I’ve had it. HAD IT.

ai08_jasonc.jpgWhoa, dude. Whoooa. Just like, whoooa. Dude. “Michelle,” oh my. He’s all like, dude, it’s like, in French. And off we go! Oh my. Strolling! This guy is so far into Davy Jones goofy mug­ging ter­ri­tory, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Randy is like, dude, what­ever. Paula makes ref­er­ence to his “dis­tinct charm” and also says it sounded like a polka. I think she’s going to join him in smok­ing a lit­tle of that Distinct Charm after the show! (I was going to make a “polka” joke but sim­ply could not bring myself to do it.) Simon loves that he is “very charm­ing” and “not obnox­ious” and has “a goofi­ness that made it work.” You know, this is true. I’m totally giv­ing up, I’m totally buy­ing it, I just want to see this dude get pro­gres­sively more wacked out with every pass­ing week. Oops, I mean, Boo! I hate this per­former! Enough already! Boo!

Imagine clos­ing on your home and find­ing out the paper­work was never sent in! What hap­pens when the mort­gage bro­ker pock­ets YOUR money?! Also: Fog! And so much for hiber­nat­ing: A bear makes a sur­prise appear­ance in the North Metro—and it’s all caught on tape! TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
ai08_syesham.jpgShe has learned the key to suc­cess is get­ting out your boobs. Chris: “Your boobs can’t help you now!” Them’s some old lady boobs. Man, she’s not get­ting over being in the bot­tom three, is she? She insists that she may have looked down, but she wasn’t. A likely story. Yes, your cheer­ful­ness was so appar­ent. “Yesterday,” well good luck with that. Nice split ends. Ahh, also going the “sit­ting down” and “prop acoustic gui­tarist” route, I see. “I’m not half the girl I used to be.” That’s ’cause you old! It must be nice to really love your­self that much. Oh boy, SCREAMING. I take it back, I mean this is truly the BEST PERFORMANCE IN IDOL HISTORY and I HOPE SHE WINS IT ALL, AMERICA, ALONG WITH DAVID C. AND AMANDA. Randy likes it! Paula says “vul­ner­a­bil­ity” and “beau­ti­ful instru­ment!” Simon says “best per­for­mance so far” which means noth­ing!

“Do you need any­thing?“
“A boomerang.“

Oh Beyoncé, I don’t have any time to waste either. Our lives are so par­al­lel, it’s fright­en­ing.
ai08_chikezieexclamationpoint.jpgChikezie, take us on a mem­o­rable jour­ney into your most mem­o­rable moments on your jour­ney. I hope he can man­age to fol­low up his crazy rock hill­billy black man per­for­mance last week. “I’ve Just Seen a Face,” aww. But oh, oh oh no, an earnest bal­lad per­for­mance of “I’ve Just Seen a Face.” I just fell asleep and hit my head and went uncon­scious. Oh gosh, that brought on a psy­chotic episode, har­mon­ica, speed it up, hoe­down, this feels some­how famil­iar. He’s just sheen a face! Randy: good parts and bad parts! Paula says the bal­lad side of him is so pure and on pitch and gives a whole dif­fer­ent side of who he is by show­ing us his depth and his scope! Hmm, Simon some­how liked the bal­lad part, which con­founds me. Chris left the room for this whole thing. It’s like he some­how knew it was com­ing. Ugh, and bah.

ai08_ramielem.jpgTake us home, tiny lady! Aww, she calls Brooke “Mama Brooke.” “I Should Have Known Better,” oh gosh, I think she should have known bet­ter about that hat. Oh my Lord, no. Corny. Corny corn corn. Bounce around J-​pop style! This is sooooo corny, I can’t even say any­thing else but “corny.” She’s taken away my capac­ity for speech. Aww, she’s so cute though, even in that ghastly out­fit and ugh that hat. Pinoy power of cute­ness! Chris: “Shake ‘em!” Randy says she showed con­fi­dence (I dis­agree)! Paula says there is some­thing about her voice! Simon calls it ama­teur­ish and mediocre!

I think it’s safe to say I hated every­thing except the Fox 9 News at 9 promo. Oh sweet Jesus, my head just invol­un­tar­ily started shak­ing dur­ing the recap of “Day Tripper.” I need to take some antipsy­chotics now. Get your com­ments in before the spam­mers do! I love them! Comments, not spam­mers! Bye!

4 comments to She was a day stripper

  • pieman

    Despite what you may think, I am not a spam­mer!
    That was per­haps the worst eleven per­for­mances ever of Beatles’ songs. EVER.
    You hit all the high points, though, with Jason being the one I am cheer­ing for. His CHARM will pull him through. I think you need some of his CHARM to watch two hours of this, and then another hour tonight just to kick some­one off — Kristy.
    I think Carly must be preg­nant with a tat­tooed fetus to be wear­ing that muumuu shirt. And PLEASE WEAR SOME SLEEVES for once!!
    Brooke still seems nice, but please stop talk­ing over the Wise Man Cowell.
    This show was so awful that I actu­ally switched to Big Brother for a few min­utes and I don’t even know who is on that show. They seem more annoy­ing than the Idol con­tes­tants, though.
    Once again, the recap you pro­vided was a bajil­lion more times enter­tain­ing than the actual show.

  • tarnish

    Due in roughly equal parts to the wacky sched­ul­ing on the po’vision and my own gen­eral apa­thy, I man­aged to miss the first four con­tes­tants tonight. The end-​of-​show recap made me wish I’d missed the first 6.
    I sup­pose a sec­ond week of Lennon & McCartney made it all the more likely I would be grossly offended, but I still can­not decide out of Kristy, Michael, or Brooke, who made my ears bleed the most (it’s eas­ier with the eyes — I will be sure to watch Amanda in a mir­ror next week. And sun­glasses).
    Brooke gets dou­ble shitlist time for the heinous “Here Comes the Sun” and for men­tion­ing Nova Scotia. Listen, seri­ously, we’re just get­ting over the god damned Ellen Page Juno/​Oscar/​Fresh New Hollywood Face over­load. The last thing we need is an AI con­tes­tant men­tion­ing us on TV. Really. You know this is going to be on the news for the next 5 days as seri­ous jour­nal­is­tic resources (well, what we’ve got, any­way) are ded­i­cated to fig­ur­ing out just what this “Nova Scotia/​American Idol CONNECTION!@#!@” is. And to talk to peo­ple. Who know peo­ple. Who know AI con­tes­tants. And stuff.
    I can no longer look at Kristy with­out think­ing of pieman’s “cold, dead eyes” com­ment. I think she needs to steal Brooke’s makeup woman and go au naturel for a week. Maybe if her tiny eyes weren’t rimmed with so much mas­cara and eye­liner they’d look less like two pis­s­holes in the snow. Or maybe we’re see­ing into her soul, a soul that regrets sell­ing that horse for a fleet­ing chance at fame.
    Is it just me or is David C.‘s head con­tin­u­ing to grow larger every week? And if he makes it to the final four, will that be when Roy pops out of his head on-​stage? And will they do a duet!?
    I prob­a­bly wouldn’t have enjoyed Jason C’s per­fo­mance nearly as much if I hadn’t sparked my own when he said, “I didn’t know ‘Ma belle’ was French; I thought ‘Ma Bell’ was English; it is English, right?”; I was going to try to get through it sober, but I don’t feel that bad because obvi­ously, he couldn’t, either.
    And did­joo get the cook­ware? You know that the most noble use for an enam­eled dutch oven is bread, right? SRSLY: http://​steamyk​itchen​.com/​b​l​o​g​/​2​0​0​7​/​0​9​/​1​0​/​n​o​-​k​n​e​a​d​-​b​r​e​a​d​-​r​e​v​i​s​i​t​ed/
    (And CRZ should know that America’s Test Kitchen has improved the recipe with beer).

  • I think “copy­rights” is secret code for “We couldn’t secure the whole Beatles song book, so here’s what was left­over from last week.
    I sup­pose Nigel paid through the ears to get this much, which is why we had to endure two weeks of it.

  • Kim

    It was just that I got like 120 spam com­ments over the week­end and I had to close every­thing up which made me :’(
    I can’t remem­ber what the exact phras­ing is, but at least twice now Randy has referred to Beatles songs as “unfor­get­table copy­rights” or some such non­sense. I’m baf­fled by it.
    Every time I see Kristy, I can hear the dude from Carnival of Souls yelling “I feel sorry for you … and your LACK OF SOOOOUUUUUL
    I need Jason to share some of his CHARM with me. For real. I’m liv­ing for him to some­day do a per­for­mance of “Right Place, Wrong Time.” It would be a phe­nom­e­non.
    We TOTALLY got the Le Marthaset dutch ovens! A red one and a blue one! They were marked down to almost noth­ing! I’m beside myself with joy.