idol

I hold the UFO, that’s my job

We gave them the songs of the Beatles,” says Ryan. And they gave ‘em back like some­one return­ing a dress to the Gap after wear­ing it on a date with the tags on. Kellie Pickler! Why am I not excited? THIS is American Idol?

Mentors! Dolly! Mariah! Gross Andrew Lloyd Webber! The one and only Neil Diamond! “This Is My Now,” or as I like to call it, “This Is My No”!

Up With People brings us more Beatles songs, because we are not sick of them. I enjoy the irony of watch­ing David C. and Jason sing “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.” Not Lennon/​McCartney! Notice they’re not say­ing “Lennon/​McCartney” as much as they were last week, like that makes any dif­fer­ence. Chikezie’s turn on this one makes me wish he actu­ally sang it last night, dang. Someone turned Ramiele’s mic off! I want Syesha out of my life for­ever. The pres­ence of Kristy makes the cam­er­ap­er­son have a con­nip­tion. Why does Amanda NOT get a solo on “Here There and Everywhere?” I don’t under­stand! That song is SO HER!!! Oh boy, some­one is really excited about using this rotat­ing cam­era thingie! I’m dizzy! Make it stop! OK good it’s over.

I’m happy they replay the Kristy upskirt alert for Chris’ ben­e­fit: “Yipes!” I didn’t notice how ter­ri­fy­ing the cut of David A.‘s jacket was last night. His stage par­ents scare the shit out of me, inci­den­tally. Um, I got noth­ing else. Chris reminds me that “Here Comes the Sun” is a George song, which I com­pletely for­got, likely because I was so mor­ti­fied. OMG.

OMG behind the scenes of the Ford Music Video!!! It’s a dream come true. Actually, I don’t par­tic­u­larly like the magic and sur­prise being spoiled like this, so I take it all back. Ramiele still appre­ci­ates hair and makeup! OK, I take it back again as the sur­prise is entirely invested in the song choice: “Should I Stay or Should I Go.” Wow. WOW. This, too, is just like KidSongs.

OK, let’s cut peo­ple. Chop-​chop!

ai08_carlys.jpgFrom tears to laugh­ter! She is deliri­ous! What have we learned? Shut the F up about your failed career, as it reminds peo­ple you are a fail­ure. Is that so dif­fi­cult to understand?

ai08_kristylc.jpgWhat a shock! I’m sur­prised she didn’t just walk right out into the bot­tom three sec­tion, honestly.

ai08_amandao.jpgIt’s work­ing. IT’S WORKING.

In a deli­cious turn of events, Simon and Paula pro­ceed to get sassy with each other. Rrowr! How do you “down­load on” an iPod? I’m just curi­ous. Michael seri­ously is on that meth. Watch him laugh like a nut­case after answer­ing that ques­tion and try to con­vince me oth­er­wise. Creepy!

kellie.jpgYou haven’t lived until you’ve rid­den home from the State Fair with a bus­ful of soror­ity girls just let out of a Kellie Pickler con­cert. That is sar­casm. This poor lady has under­gone a Jenna Jameson makeover, and I don’t mean her boobs. Her face!!! Look at her face!!! WTF hap­pened?! She has aged like 20 years since sea­son 5. Someone never taught her that you don’t clap your hands while hold­ing a live mic! Well, maybe some­one tried at some point. A valiant effort, I’m sure. Kellie and Simon get sassy with each other! How adorable, I mean creepy. She’s less of an embar­rass­ment than she was last year, I guess. I’m so generous.

OMG

OMG

OMG

OMG

MY ELLIOTTOMG OMG OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG scruffy bearded Elliott help­ing the under­priv­i­leged in Africa. Oh and Fantasia too but OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG Elliott!!!!! Those mal­nour­ished kids are taller than he is. Aww, he’s still an emo­tional young man. Aww! Ohh. Ohh! I still miss his old teeth, call me crazy. OK, if I get to see more of Elliott’s dra­matic care­giv­ing sojourn into the hearts and minds of us all dur­ing “Idol Gives Back,” sign me up. BRING IT.

Chris notes that they’re seat­ing Harry, the Guy With the Snake on His Face tattoo-​side away from the cam­era. Carly is safe! She’s blub­ber­ing! Who goes home?!

ai08_amandao.jpgThis just proves that if we all band together and think pos­i­tively, we can move moun­tains and make magic hap­pen. Why yes, Amanda, it HAS been a fun ride. Poncho power!

Tears are few and far between—actually, I think it’s just Carly sniv­el­ling over her­self some more. I have to admit that the dirty look Amanda shot RICKEY MINOR AND THE BAND! on that mess of a play-​out made me believe, if ever so briefly, I may miss her a lit­tle bit. See, this show DOES make peo­ple insane.

OMGOMGOMGOMG Part 2, con­tin­ued proof that Chris is awe­some is that he taped me one of the truly great achieve­ments in mod­ern cin­ema, which is to say The Legend of Billie Jean, off Showtime HD so I can have it for­ever in DIGITAL CLARITY and its PROPER ASPECT RATIO. This is not on DVD!!! That is insane!!! I have to go now. FAIR IS FAIR!

7 comments to I hold the UFO, that’s my job

  • pieman

    I am glad I wasn’t the only one who was totally creeped out by Meth Man’s mania­cial laugh­ter after his ques­tion. If he isn’t on meth, then he’s just wacko and that’s bad, too.
    I always appre­ci­ate how when they get the bot­tom three out there, they ask Paula if America got it right. She always says no, but by def­i­n­i­tion, there has to be a bot­tom three. It’s got to be some­body. And oh yeah, I think America was spot-​on, right Simon?
    It cer­tainly was appar­ent that Amanda didn’t bond with her cast­mates as she wanted no hugs and there were no tears. Hit the barscene, lady, and there is NO way she is 23. None.

  • jane

    I need to stop fast for­ward­ing through the talk­ing parts. I keep miss­ing this meth stuff. Anyway, there is so much to say that I have to break it down in this fash­ion:
    Issue #1: “This Is My No” makes my entire life worth liv­ing.
    Issue #2: Scruffy Elliott cry­ing (with real feel­ing and not for him­self — rec­og­nize, Carly) made this almost watch­able.
    Issue #3: “Should I Stay or Should I Go” made me believe I had died (or at least fainted) and was watch­ing this all from another dimen­sion.
    Issue #4: David Cook all the way! He is the best! Goooooo David!

  • Kim

    Baha, “Meth Man”! Meth O.D. Man soon, I think.
    Oh Jane, I am chilled to the core of my being that you and I inde­pen­dently admit­ted we would miss A.O., if only a lit­tle bit.
    “Should I Stay or Should I Go” stunned me speech­less.
    I hope David C. plays TWO gui­tars next week. He’s just that talented!!!!!!!!

  • SchippeWreck

    Next week’s theme is allegedly “Songs From the Year You Were Born”, which means with the excep­tion of Archuleta and Meth Man, it’s 80’s Week AGAIN. Way to think that one through, Idol!
    I am now angry at The Beatles for depriv­ing us of the magic of iTunes Top 100 week.

  • jane

    See, this is why they should have kept A.O. in it. They could have had a song from 1949.
    For the year you were born song day, I pick “I’m Not In Love,” but only the part before the singing starts. And I will say, “I learned from Meth Man never to cut up a song.”

  • Kim

    I would love to see that:
    Ahhhhhhhhhh
    Ahhhhhhhhhh
    Ahhhhhhhhhh
    Ahhhhhhhhhh
    *plink plink plink plink*
    Ahhhhhhhhhh
    We still have hope Syesha will bust out some­thing from the age of rag­time and the mega­phone.
    iTunes Top 100 would have been so hot, because a) I would not have known any­thing and b) I most likely would have hated every­thing. Although is “Hold It Don’t Drop It” on there? ‘Cause you know I would do that one.
    Songs From the Year You Were Born, hmm, I miss Crabby Appleton’s “Go Back” by a year, dang. I’ll have to think, hmm. Thinking hurts. Ooh, “Rehearsals for Retirement” by Phil Ochs! I won­der if they have that one?! Then I can show my dif­fer­ent col­ors and tex­tures bring­ing back the hot­ness on a bal­lad, yeah yeah.

  • pieman

    The #1 song for the day I was born was “Teen Angel” by Mark Dinning. I would be all over that one! Jason Castro would be AWESOME on that one, man!