idol

Go and stretch your­self into areas you haven’t shown us

Time to play catch-​up! I can’t stop eat­ing corn flakes! THIS is American Idol!

OK OK OK FLASHBACK TO LAST NIGHT

Why yes, it is indeed Songs From the Year You Were Born night. I decided that I’m 10 days shy of 1970 so they’d have to give me Crabby Appleton’s “Go Back.” It’s a necessity.

Things I loved about Tuesday’s show:

- Ryan’s mad dra­matic entrance
– Paula’s “show­girl in a wood­chip­per” out­fit
– That bizarre self-​tanner acci­dent on Simon’s chest
– Ramiele describ­ing her “straight afro” as “bomb“
– Ramiele’s awe­some par­ents
– Ramiele’s uniden­ti­fied “best friend,” DANNY!
– Chikezie’s awe­some par­ents: “And there would be LAUGHING!“
– The sign read­ing “SEACREST IS SEXY!” I agree.

ai08_ramielem.jpgIt depresses me to attach Heart’s “Alone” to the birth year of a grown-​ass per­son, even a tiny one. There are good parts and there are bad parts. She’s too cute for this song and the Camp Beverly Hills look is not appro­pri­ate! It wasn’t my thing, dog. Paula gives her a good amount of credit and brave to do what she did.

ai08_jasonc.jpgHappy bake­day, Jason! He’s been told he’s an Aries. No shit! His teeth are whiter than white. Sting’s “Fragile,” ooh. Chris: “I hope he does it in Portuguese!” How much mas­cara does he have on? Nice white shoes. Chris is singing along in Portuguese. HOLY SHIT! Jason pro­ceeds to bust it out in Portuguese. Chris: “Oh my God! I can’t hate on him any­more!” I have low expec­ta­tions, there­fore I enjoy this. Simon com­pares it to “busk­ing out­side a sub­way sta­tion,” which again proves we are the same per­son. I swear if there was a New New Monkees, he’d be Peter.

ai08_syesham.jpgThis one claims to be born in 1987. This woman is lying. Show me ID! Ugh, don’t do that cry­ing baby thing again. I don’t even know this song. Stephanie Mills? I still don’t know it. Oh look, she’s ACTING. I’m bored. Next!

ai08_chikezieexclamationpoint.jpgChikezie says the song selec­tion was crazy! He wants to hold you tight, if only for one night. He’s bring­ing the Raw Emotion™. Work the crowd! I want this to go on for the rest of the show, hon­estly. I have low expec­ta­tions, there­fore I enjoy this tremen­dously. I think Randy’s on the rag. Chris is OUTRAGED by the crit­i­cism. “Chikezie’s his own man! How DARE they!”

ai08_brookew.jpgAww, Brooke’s fam­ily is so cute. Haha, nerd. Nice Debbie Gibson pose. Nice false start. This week she’s try­ing to look like Naomi Watts, who, like Michael, is Australian. Did you know Michael’s Australian? The straight hair makes her look about 40. I hate “Every Breath You Take,” I really do. I have low expec­ta­tions, there­fore I don’t think this is ter­ri­ble. Everyone’s like, what­ever. She makes a really weird face when she’s get­ting crit­i­cism, like purs­ing her lips and stick­ing her lower jaw out. Weird. Ryan gives her a brave choice award for the false start. I got noth­ing else.

What Minneapolis is doing to make sure all pets are registered—TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 10! Wait, I guess that’s last night. Whatever.

ai08_michaelj.jpgMichael was born in Australia? You don’t say! Nice Lakers hat. Nice Cabbage Patch Kid. “We Will Rock You/​We Are the Champions,” yeah, good luck with that. So was that 20 sec­onds of “We Will Rock You”? The direc­tor is more inter­ested in RICKEY MINOR AND THE BAND! mak­ing ARM GESTURES! I won­der if he has another dead friend whose favorite song this is. BRIGHT LIGHTS cre­ate the illu­sion of EXCITEMENT. If he’s going to keep rais­ing his arms like that, he needs to wear longer shirts. There are parts of this that are OK, and then there are the parts that remind you this dude is a loser. Everyone loves it! Whatever!

ai08_carlys.jpgTotal Eclipse of the Heart,” hey, it’s karaōke night! That out­fit is not flat­ter­ing, yet I want it des­per­ately. Every now and then she falls apoeahrart! Living like a pow­erkeg? Oh no, shout­ing. Oh no, scream­ing. Oh no. Ryan says “lots of pot-​stirring” and I’m sur­prised Jason didn’t run out and tackle him. I got noth­ing else.

ai08_davida.jpgHe was born the year I started WRITING MY THESIS. Is his father sit­ting on top of his mother in that inter­view? I mean, Jesus, dude, respect the woman’s per­sonal space. “You’re the Voice,” kiss­ing up to David Foster, I see. ZESTIFY! This so half-​hearted. He has no con­vic­tion what­so­ever. I mean frig­gin’ Jason was more com­mit­ted than he is. Simon’s crit­i­cism of this is sim­ply fan­tas­tic from start to fin­ish. Really, I need a tran­scrip­tion of it, it was beautiful.

ai08_kristylc.jpgKristy’s mom is Lainie Kazan! “God Bless the USA,” YES!!! She’s gotta take this one sit­ting down, and so do I. She looks like she has a mous­tache. Your chil­dren and your luh-​wife! This would be a hell of a sign-​off song, I gotta say. American flag video screen=AWESOME! I have low expec­ta­tions, and there­fore I think this is spec­tac­u­lar. Chris fires up the 5.1 and rewinds it so we can expe­ri­ence this to the fullest. The judges damn her with faint praise! Simon calls the song choice “clever,” because he knows the score.

A well-​known Minnesota bridge has prob­lems that are eerily sim­i­lar to the 35W bridge! Spring-​like weather! And why some pets are pay­ing the price for some­thing! LAST NIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

ai08_davidc.jpgThe knowl­edge I still had to suf­fer through this one made me clutch my face in agony. No, wait, I mean SCREAM IN DESPERATE ANTICIPATION. I’m relieved that we do not share a birth­day. I heard “December twenty—” and I got a lit­tle ner­vous. Wow, his head has been com­pletely grotesque his entire life. So is he doing the Ian Brown “Billie Jean” cover? Because that is awe­some. This, how­ever, is not. Snore. Wait, I mean THIS IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN TO MUSIC, EVER. Wow, put some­thing in 6/​8 time and every­one freaks the F out. Chris: “He’s no Shinehead!” Let the ass-​kissing com­mence! Chris: “What, does he have cancer?”

The show ends with me say­ing “ass” and rub­bing my face in pain. Take that for exactly what it sounds like!

OK OK OK FLASH FORWARD TO THE PRESENT

What up, Jason? THIS is American Idol!

Kimberley Locke is here, and I do not care. Ryan reminds me I need to work on my American Idol song. Wait, I already wrote it! Wow, Jordin Sparks’ album has been cer­ti­fied gold! Yeesh. Just think, con­tes­tants, some­day that may be you!

Up With People is, tonight, ded­i­cated to “Right Back Where We Started From,” because the year you were born is, like get­ting back where you started and stuff. I take time to explain this to my hus­band. This entire per­for­mance is extra­or­di­nar­ily cheese­ball! David C. and Michael do some RADICAL MOVES because they are EXTREME. Brooke’s elec­tric blue pants are tremen­dous. Chris: “I can’t get over ‘em!”

Let’s take a spe­cial look inside the stu­dio as the con­tes­tants record their full-​length songs which can be pur­chased at the iTunes Music Store, just go to the iTunes Music store and down­load them and buy them, these tracks by your American Idol contestants!

Let’s take a ten­der look at last night, which for me was ear­lier tonight. Chris on Syesha: “We can lose her and I would totally be thrilled.” He astutely remarks that “Billie Jean” sounds just like “Where the Wild Roses Grow” and I’m like HOLY SHIT IT DOES. Thank God I didn’t have to spend 24 hours try­ing to fig­ure that out. Apparently it is based on a Chris Cornell cover. I believe I must have missed that one.

Ford Music Video alert! These con­tes­tants want you to want them. That sen­ti­ment reeks of des­per­a­tion. This one was sim­ply not high con­cept enough. I want more film sets and UFOs and old-​timey outfits.

CONSTANTINE! GINA! CHARLES GRIGSBY! YES, I REMEMBER CHARLES GRIGSBY!

I’d love to know what Kimberley Locke’s def­i­n­i­tion of “out­side of Manhattan” is. She neglects to men­tion how the mar­ried dude from “Celebrity Fit Club” knocked her up. She is preg­nant, yes? Or did I imag­ine that? Anyway, snore. Pay close atten­tion, con­tes­tants! This may some­day be you!

A chem­i­cal leak forces the evac­u­a­tion of a Minnesota school—we’re live at the scene. After a spring thaw, is more win­ter weather on the way? And a 5-​year-​old girl saves the day—the 911 call that got her mother the help she needed! TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

So who ARE the bot­tom three on THIS is American Idol?

ai08_chikezieexclamationpoint.jpgChris is dev­as­tated.

ai08_syesham.jpgWhatev.

ai08_jasonc.jpgI just keep jinxin’ ‘em and jinxin’ ‘em, don’t I?

Jason is safe! American Idol is RACIST! Who goes home?

ai08_chikezieexclamationpoint.jpgShit ain’t right, man.

Repeat after me: Syesha and David C. are MY FAVORITES AND MY PICKS TO WIN IT ALL! THEY GONSMASH IT WEEK AFTER WEEK AND I WILL BUY ALL THEIR PLATINUM ALBUMS, SINGLES AND LONG-​FORM MUSIC VIDEOS!

Man, F this show.

7 comments to Go and stretch your­self into areas you haven’t shown us

  • No jus­tice, no peace. Chikezie’s biggest crime was the fact that Nigeria is not a small island nation in the Pacific rim.

  • Oh, and his SECOND biggest crime was being born on the eleventh of September. No amount of Toby Keith gabba cov­ers could save him from THAT.

  • SchippeWreck

    There’s an Ian Brown cover of “Billie Jean”? Man, I gotta stop watch­ing hor­ri­ble TV shows and lis­ten to more music!

  • Ask and you shall recieve:
    Simon: “Uh…David, well, you know, you sang it well in parts, but I’m going to be hon­est with you, and this is not going to make me very pop­u­lar, um.…“
    Paula: “Boo.“
    Simon: “I actu­ally didn’t like the per­for­mance at all. I thought it was actu­ally reminicent-​“
    Crowd: “Boo!“
    Simon: “-OF a theme park per­for­mance.“
    Crowd: “Boo!“
    Simon: “I did! You know, it’s one of those ghastly songs you sing, you know, when you’ve got, like, ani­mated crea­tures with you, and every­one joins in together…It’s…it’s…that’s what it reminds me of. I don’t think that is you AT ALL. And I’d be amazed if you chose the song your­self, because it’s not you. Sorry.”

  • pieman

    Once again, the error of recency kicks in. Chikezie was bor­ing this week, but remem­ber Carlton Banks!?!
    You can’t let up for a minute because vot­ers will get bored of you and not vote for you and you end up sit­ting over there with Syesha in the African-​American sec­tion of the stage, man.
    I don’t know how poorly Ramielle has to sing to get voted off, but she’s going to have be abysmal, methinks.
    And now David Cook is wear­ing MY KANSAS CITY ROYALS hat??? No you don’t, jerk­face.
    GO METH MAN!! HE IS AWESOME!
    Is that how I am sup­posed to do it, Kim?

  • Kim

    I so enjoy that tran­script. I read it and hear Simon’s voice in my head and it is delight­ful. Sorry!
    METH MAN SHOULD COME IN AT LEAST NUMBER THREE IF NOT ONE OR TWO WITH DAVID C. AND SYESHA

  • tammy

    This year is turn­ing into the Whitest American Idol ever. Chikezie was the only one I trusted with a Neil Diamond tune and now he won’t ever be here on that night. America got it wrong!
    And Kristy Lee Cook, why didn’t they just change your vot­ing num­ber to 1–866-Idols-9–11? VERY CLEVER song choice, you milk toast suck­wad. You should have never made the Top 12. Poor Danny Noreiga!
    Douchebag Rocker’s Billie Jean ren­di­tion is a cover? The only thing that shocks me more is that some­one already thought of the idea and was suc­cess­ful with it.
    I called it last night.… Finale will be Douchebag Rocker and Sunshine I Can’t Sing While Standing Girl