April Fools

Five! Five dol­lar! Five dol­lar foot­longs! THIS is American Idol!

That April Fools joke at the top of the show is tremen­dously lame. Ryan, you’re on my list tonight. I’m in no mood.

I’m ter­ri­bly sorry I misiden­ti­fied Recording Artist Romeo as Charles Grigsby last week. I wouldn’t have known this with­out hav­ing watched “Idol Extra” on Fox Reality. (Chris made me watch it. No really. Haley’s been eat­ing well!) I think I just really wanted a rea­son to bring Charles Grigsby back into my life. Also, last time I saw Romeo he was like two feet tall, WTF.

Dolly Parton is a pop cul­ture icon of sparkles and smiles! “Jolene” reminds me of Grumpy’s the other night and there were two peo­ple monop­o­liz­ing the juke­box who I swear were delib­er­ately try­ing to ruin my life. I think Dolly has been replaced by an android. Android Dolly.

ai08_brookew.jpgBrooke gets out the Katharine McPhee Memorial “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” Prop Musicians for “Jolene.” She’s sit­ting down! What a shock. She’s a lit­tle too chip­per for this song. Jaunty! It has a jaunty gait! Totally inap­pro­pri­ate! This is not a smile at the crowd kind of song! Randy’s like, what­ever, I’m not pay­ing atten­tion. Paula says you have an emo­tional con­nec­tion and that is what record com­pa­nies and exec­u­tives want because you are who you are, Brooke White, excel­lent and won­der­ful. Simon accuses her of “busk­ing.” She needs to stop chat­ting through the judg­ing. I’m begin­ning to think she has some kind of afflic­tion where she just can’t shut up when oth­ers are talk­ing. I do that some­times. I hate her pants. I got noth­ing else.

ai08_davidc.jpgThis dude looks like a retarded ground­hog. It must be really great to be in love with your­self like that. Seriously, this guy has gone com­pletely dia­bol­i­cal. I mean dia­bol­i­cally BRILLIANT! WHAT A GENIUS! Oh yes, let’s play catchup with you admit­ting you’re a ripoff artist in the guise of explain­ing how you “get” your “inspi­ra­tion” “online”! Douche. Douché. “Little Sparrow.” This “orig­i­nal arrange­ment” leads me to believe he’s been lis­ten­ing to a lot of Little River Band! Has he too found that “inspi­ra­tion” “online”? Randy’s like, what­ever, I’m not pay­ing atten­tion. Paula says it was great to hear him going into his “fals” with his strength! Simon has some­thing against songs about birds.

ai08_ramielem.jpgDolly and Ramiele are the cutest cou­ple ever. Dolly says she’s got a spunk! “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?”, aww, sassy. Oh man when she goes off-​key she goes way off-​key but I don’t care. Bouncy sassy Pinoy cute­ness! Not good enough but I rep my peo­ple! Randy ain’t mad at’er! Paula is proud of her and her great minute and 30 sec­onds! Simon is a sour poop! Boo!

ai08_jasonc.jpgAww, Jason has a stalker! Ryan reads from a stack of post­cards from Jason’s stalker, and thereby jus­ti­fies the stalker’s exis­tence. This can only lead to bad things. Look out JC! Jason has selected “Travelin’ Through.” This is the Transamerica song, right? Innnnteresting. Dolly feels he went a lit­tle bit out­side him­self. I think he sounds like he always does! Although I feel he may be try­ing to actu­ally under­stand the lyrics he’s singing tonight. He turned into Dave Matthews right in front of my eyes for a sec­ond. Harrowing! Randy and Paula like it! Simon takes a big dump on it. I see they’re going out of their way to limit Jason’s camera/​speaking time this week. Innnnteresting.

ai08_carlys.jpgHere You Come Again,” SWITCHED UP DOWNTEMPO, with prop gui­tarist. I’m hav­ing trou­ble under­stand­ing her out­fit. She totally sounded like some­body else at a cou­ple of points but I can’t place it and I’m too lazy to go back and fig­ure it out. Can you tell me who it is? OMG, FRENTE. It was totally Frente. FRENTE!!! Or that chick from The Sundays. Which is totally not like what this one actu­ally sounds like, which is totally why it was bug­ging me because it just sounded so WRONG. Randy loves it! Paula loves it and it is glo­ri­ous with that voice of hers, oh my God! Simon hates on her out­fit because we are evil twins.

ai08_davida.jpgAre you ready for David Archuleta? I don’t think you are! He’s har­bor­ing some Smoky Mountain Memories. The song gives him CHILLS! Dolly was appar­ently moved to near tears by his per­for­mance, but since she is an android it is not pos­si­ble for her to cry. The air is filled with gold dust! Fortune falls like snowflakes! ZESTY. I’m imag­in­ing sparkly things frit­ter­ing all about him. I’m just gonna go out on a limb here, but I don’t think he’s really won­der­ing how the old folks are back home. Oh this was tremen­dous in its drama and Raw Emotion™, or at least as much as this one can muster any­way. I need to start lik­ing him so I can doom him to obliv­ion. TOP AMERICAN DESIGNER MICHAEL KORS LOVES IT! Everyone else loves it too! He acts like he doesn’t believe it! I’m tired!!! I am long­ing for the sweet caress of the Fox 9 News at 9 pro­mos. Where are they?!

ai08_kristylc.jpgCoat of Many Colors,” oh Kristy Lee, you are on a roll. She gets the Dolly seal of approval! I think it is because they are both androids. Is her eye makeup ever glit­tery, oh my. THIS IS GREAT. I mean not really, but you know. I have low expec­ta­tions about every­thing. Randy likes it! Paula likes it! Simon hates it! Kristy Lee gets snippy in response. I dunno if that is a good idea after sin­gin’ ’bout bein’ poor an’ grate­ful for the li’l things and wearin’ your love like heaven and all that. I still think she and Ryan should get mar­ried. I give this a MILLION stars! (Not really.)

ai08_syesham.jpgI Will Always Love You,” oh gosh, we couldn’t see this com­ing a mile away, oh not at all. Perched on a prop piano with a prop piano player. Check. Snore. Hahaha, she can’t keep up with the cam­era changes. Yep, just keep look­ing long­ingly off to the left! Oh WAIT! OVER HERE! Somebody went really insane with the glit­ter eye­shadow tonight, for real. Oh please, don’t make this an “exer­cise in restraint” in def­er­ence to the raw power of W. Houston and then HOLD A NOTE WAY PAST ITS WELCOME. Randy’s like, what­ever, I’m not pay­ing atten­tion because I’m still irri­tated by that shitty LONG NOTE OF LONGNESS FOR THE SAKE OF LONGNESS. Paula says your vel­vety voice, that’s your, that’s it for you! That’s it for you indeed. Simon basi­cally puts into words what I am think­ing, because we got it like that. Restraint, good! Bombastic attempt to out-​Whitney Whitney in a not-​Whitney (but not really) way, bad!

ai08_michaelj.jpgDolly could tell that he is Ginuwinely a fan! The fact that this one loves Dolly so much makes my mind go in fan­tas­tic direc­tions. Prop musi­cians and bright white lights galore. Nice cra­vat there, chief. It’s all wrong, but it’s all right! How fit­ting! This actu­ally isn’t all that bad. He was clearly going for Honky Château Elton in parts. I’m sorry, Elton. I don’t mean that as an insult. Is this the best of the night? Where the hell am I?! What have you done with my soul?!

Hahahaha, they replay Syesha’s AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII moment of pain in the recap. Let that be all you remem­ber from tonight! Poor Dolly deserves bet­ter. I’d wager she was home cry­ing but robots have no time for tears. Nor do I, nor do I.

6 comments to April Fools

  • pieman

    Where to begin? Let’s see. I am glad you’re back to recap­pen­ing before the kick-​off show.
    I thought Brooke was way too cheery singing “Jolene.” Not being a big fan of the coun­try music, but I have heard this before and she was alright and after lis­ten­ing to the rest of the clap­trap on this show, she was prob­a­bly in the top half tonight.
    I laughed out loud at retarded ground­hog. I think that cap­tures David Cook’s essence. VOTE FOR COOK! (I think I’m still doing this cor­rectly, Kim).
    Ramielle gets suck­ier every week, but she can­not be stopped! She will never be in the bot­tom three!
    I wish Carly would wear sleeves. Or at least get a tat­too on the other arm to even her­self out. I am like Adrian Monk a lot of the time. Really. Maybe she wore the ugly out­fit to dis­tract from the one-​arm tat­too, though I thought she did pretty well with the slow-​down four cor­ners offense on that song.
    What the frig was Meth Man doing? He kept singing the same part over and over and emot­ing like he just tasted some­thing really awful. My wife couldn’t watch him because of all the facial con­tor­tions. And what the hell with the ascot-​like neck appendage? Please leave my TV, Mr. Annoying Meth Man. Now. Tonight. Make it so.

  • Paula’s totally turned into Nicholas Fehn, am I right people?

  • Kim

    I spent a lot of time NOT look­ing at Meth Man, so I think that helped. A lot.

  • tammy

    I was able to talk Idol with my step mom this last week and she offered some insight I know you don’t want. BUT, since it’s burned into my brain it may as well be burned into yours.
    RE: Retarded Groundhog aka Douchebag Rocker… her com­ment: “I just can’t stand his lips! What is he doing with his lips? It’s so gross!“
    I can’t say I ever noticed any weird lip action from DBR before, but now I will be forced to.

  • jane

    Eew, why does this keep reject­ing my com­ments? Now I don’t remem­ber what I wrote. Haircut, Ramiele, some­thing, yeah. PS I miss Chikezie.

  • Kim

    Oh no Tammy, I’ll have to stare at his lips now. I’m already hav­ing trou­ble avoid­ing his increas­ingly man­i­cured eye­brows.
    Oh no Jane, I hate that it rejects your com­ments!!! I know I had to put about 120 new IPs into my ban list after I got swamped with spam­mers a cou­ple weeks ago, but if you got through it must be OK. I cry from being deprived of hair­cut discourse.