Jeem until your cheems come true

Thank good­ness the chair of the Ford Motor Company is here to hold our hands on this inspi­ra­tional night of inspi­ra­tion. Paula’s boobs have been inspired to pop out of the top of her sparkly dress. THIS is American Idol!

ai08_michaelj.jpgThere is no more inspi­ra­tional band than Aerosmith, and could any of us be more inspired by any­thing other than a song that’s about payin’ your dues an’ get­tin’ all old? Oh I think not. If you’ve got an issue with those lines in your face, maybe you gotta stop smok­ing that meth! I’m just say­ing. Maybe tomor­row the Good Lord WILL take you away. Chris: “He’s not from this coun­try.” Jeem on! Jeem until your cheems come true! This is really lame. Shrieky! Chris: “The awe­some power of the vest out­weighs the awe­some power of the ascot.” Randy says this tells us who he really are. This is about liv­ing in America and dreams com­ing true, Michael says, to which Randy says “ehhhh, wrong,” haha­haha. Paula says he sounds as good as he looks and that his singing would beckon her chi­huahuas. I would be offended! Simon invokes “imper­son­ation of a rock star” and “wannabe-​ish” which I at first thought was “wallaby-​ish.” He’s not from this coun­try! Shut up about dreams com­ing true already! Just shut up!

ai08_syesham.jpgUgh! I for­got she’s still on this show. She says Ramiele was the only one who really “got” her. I don’t know if it’s wise to admit that on live TV in front of a judg­men­tal pub­lic. This is a clear strate­gic play for the Pinoy vote. I mean YOU RULE! YOU ARE THE BEST! YES, THE TIME IS NOW TO GIVE BACK IN YOUR OWN WAY, WHICH IS BY PERFORMING A SONG BY A FORMER IDOL CHAMPION, WHICH IS TO SAY FANTASIA! This was the Idol-​winner song from Season 3, right? Yes, I believe it was. Wow, it’s like she’s beg­ging to be kicked off. How she’s lasted this long using that tac­tic, I have no idea. It must be because she is the BEST EVER. Eew, shrieky! She’s going for Paula’s chi­huahuas with that high note. She says Fantasia is her Idol. I feel like it’s time for “Really?” with Seth and Amy. Randy is like, what­ever. Paula is clearly high. Simon is like, what­ever. Syesha is tak­ing chat­ti­ness tips from Brooke. I want to throw up everywhere.

ai08_jasonc.jpgIZ! IZ! IZ! That dude was fat. Jason sounds sur­pris­ingly coher­ent in his intro video. OMG, break­ing out the ukulele. Chris is impressed. His tiny-​stool skinny-​pants pos­ture looks a lit­tle pre­pos­ter­ous. Chris grows less impressed with this as it goes on. He just can’t com­pare to IZ!, not enough ahh­h­h­h­h­h­hhs or some­thing. I won­der if the judges will rag on him for that. Randy is like dude, Jason Castro is back in the hunt, that was blaz­ing molten hot! Paula bab­bles about noth­ing and says the same words about five times. Simon loved it! Well, how sweet, aww.

ai08_kristylc.jpgKristy got a big cross on her T-​shirt! Chris believes she should have an American flag on there some­place too. I don’t know if Jesus would approve of that … sparkly … thing she’s wear­ing. There are some big spots in boob­u­lar places that would sug­gest they are some­thing else entirely. Chris is glued to the TV. Oh yeah, she’s singing that one Martina McBride song about prayin’ an’ dreamin’ an’ shit. I told you about that one time we were at the State Fair wait­ing for the fire­works dis­play when Martina McBride was on the Grandstand and she was, like, really good? This is not hor­ri­ble and she looks really cute and not so robotic, aww. Randy loved it! Paula says she out­did her­self. Simon says very very good indeed. There is feed­back com­ing off her sequins. Aww, she looks so happy!

ai08_davidc.jpgHis favorite band is Our Lady Peace. I think that says it all. My new name for him is Smugly. He says this song has a clear mes­sage about some­thing. WTF is this?! Is that an impres­sion of a Muppet? Did the Swedish Chef wake up with a bad hang­over? Oh right, there’s a lyric in there about can­cer, did you hear the one about his brother hav­ing can­cer? I mean, look, I know, I know, and I’m sorry, but it’s that kind of thing that may make peo­ple think you are a lit­tle cal­cu­lat­ing and a lit­tle bit of an ass­hole. Just say­ing. That jacket is butt ugly. I mean EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS FANTASTIC. Oh yes, now let’s do the Chris Martin/​Eddie Vedder writ­ing stuff on your­self for the TV cam­era thing, you douche. I mean MY HERO. Randy’s like, what­ever. Paula’s like “total pack­age” and “it” or some­thing. Simon says “pompous” and hates the jacket, because I am liv­ing inside his head. Putting the “ass” in “class,” this one.

ai08_carlys.jpgIs she wear­ing a bathing suit? Mom jeans! “The Show Must Go On,” as appar­ently Freddie Mercury is her Jesus, so is he to all of us. Boing boing boing boing. Oh honey, this was a bad idea. Is she going to say she’s sick this week? That’s the only excuse for miss­ing all the AHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHunh stuff. I’m wait­ing for her to begin cough­ing. Randy’s like, what­ever. Paula says her voice is totally pretty per­fect, but she does not feel engaged. Rrowr, bitchy! Simon says she over-​sang and came off as angry, because he is an inci­sive genius. Carly is not a good diplomat.

I am not look­ing for­ward to IDOL GIVES BACK and just want to fast-​forward to all the Elliott parts, that is, if any Elliott parts exist. I’m too tired and cranky, which should make things incred­i­bly enter­tain­ing. I actu­ally wrote “enter­taint­ing”! Well then, that I would look for­ward to.

ai08_davida.jpgDavid A. is a vision in beige. I can’t wait to find out what crappy piece of shit he’s foist­ing on us tonight. He’s a mag­net for schmalz. I mean, he already did that hor­ri­fy­ing “You’re the Voice” and OMG, bite my tongue, it’s “Angels.” Well holy shit. I won­der if some­one forced him to do this instead of, like, “I Could Sing of Your Love Forever” or “Life Is a Highway” or some­thing. Prop piano! Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahaha. It’s quite amus­ing to see doc­u­mented proof that this show’s Jesus Child would not be capa­ble of out-​singing Robbie Williams. Oh, this is just sad. You know what con­tributes to the total suc­cess of this song? Being out­ra­geously hot. I give this shit the fin­ger. Randy’s like, hottest moment this sea­son, the dude that I love, runs, amaz­ing, what­ever. Paula is like, what he said. Simon is like, great song, not so great per­for­mance, because he knows noth­ing can com­pare to that RAW ROBBIE WILLIAMS POWER. I mean really.

Wet and cool spring! ¡La Niña! TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 10!

ai08_brookew.jpgYou’ve Got a Friend,” well that’s a lit­tle more inspi­ra­tional than “Dream On,” isn’t it? Prop pianist! Clearly this song choice is a reac­tion to that Bottom 3 dis­ap­point­ment last week. Was that your dark­est night, Brooke? Somehow I feel it was, since you are just a shiny source of light and won­der­ment and qua­v­ery vibrato and non­sen­si­cal chat­ter. This is about what you would expect, which is appro­pri­ate and blonde and blue-​eyed. Thank you, Tori Amos! Tears! Emotion! Randy ain’t mad at ‘er. Paula heard that song when she grew up! “You’re very defin­i­tive, and I love you.” Wow. I can’t imag­ine what kind of con­ver­sa­tions Paula and Brooke would have with each other off cam­era, I really can’t. Simon: “Nice.”

Chris points out that Paula had “vein action” in her boobs all night. What an inspi­ra­tional night of inspiration!

Hahahaha, that David C. replay is just ELECTRIC, isn’t it?

5 comments to Jeem until your cheems come true

  • pieman

    What the hell was Meth Man think­ing? Aerosmith? Really? And the neck­piece? I at at a loss for words. Oh wait. HE ROCKS! HE’S GONNA WIN~!1~!!
    Syesha is not Whitney. She is not Fantasia, though I love how Simon says Fantasia. She should be going home shortly.
    Jason was AWESOME! What a per­fect song selec­tion. I am not kid­ding. I thought he was the best of the night.
    Kristy was okay. She was sparkly, too.
    Smugly The Retarded Groundhog (STRG) should be trade­marked or copy­righted or what­ever you can do. That was awful. What the hell was he singing? I have no clue what song that was. And the writ­ing on his hand — Stupid.
    Thank you for the help­ful Robbie Williams link because I had never heard this song and couldn’t under­stand what the Creepy Little Bastard was singing. Robbie’s ver­sion is a bajil­lion times better.

  • tarnish

    We are so way past the point where I have any hope for the future of this show. And yet I watch. The prob­lem is me, isn’t it?
    The less said about MethMan the bet­ter. Syesha couldn’t decide what key she was singing in. I no longer believe that Kristy Lee’s human­ity can be sal­vaged, horse or no, but her boobs were SPARKLY@#%@$%!1 so she can stay another week. The less said about Carly’s per­for­mance the bet­ter, although that hot Irish accent con­tin­ues to buy redemp­tion even after she put Freddie’s corpse on spin cycle. David A. can go away. Any time now. Brooke was prob­a­bly fine, I can­not be objec­tive with regards to James Taylor.
    If that’s what David C. does to a song by his favorite band, I hope we never hear him sing some­thing by some­one he hates. And you’d think they’d maybe punch up his voice a lit­tle more so that we heard him and not the backup singers. I’m just sayin’.
    Jason is the last con­tes­tant I’ve got any time for at all and it’s in more of a, “let’s see how HIGH dude is this week,” kinda way. I was pre­pared to hate, hate, seeeeeething hate his per­for­mance (IZ’s Somewhere Over the Rainbow played dur­ing the reces­sional at my wed­ding (yes, I know)) but this was strangely not nearly as ter­ri­ble as I had antic­i­pated. I’m not sure I’d pay to hear it, but there was almost some­thing (dare I even say it) real about it. Could def­i­nitely have been the beer, though.

  • Jeem until your cheems come true” made me cry out loud. I can’t keep it inside.
    I am shocked and appalled that Jason Castro is my American Idol. I mean Syesha! Yay! She’s #1!
    Is it wrong that I feel bad for David Cook’s ter­ri­ble idea to poorly sing some song that he prob­a­bly really likes? It’s like that time I tried out for “Girlicious” and did a very spe­cial (and ill-​advised) dance to “Two Seater.” It was so wrong, but I was too close to real­ize it.
    What I do real­ize is that I would love to beat up Carly in a bar bath­room. I’ll give her some­thing to wail about. Plus that they should affix elec­trodes to the con­tes­tants and shock them when they talk back. Shut. Up. Syesha was totally giv­ing the “uh huh, yeah, right, hmm, I’m not going to let you talk over me” Bianca effect from “America’s Next Top Model” — only Bianca did it to the other girls, not the judges.
    ALSO the other David makes me feel sad. You will never know that you are ter­ri­ble and not even close to the magic of out­ra­geously hot (yes!) Robbie Williams if mil­lions of peo­ple keep telling you that you are the best. America is fail­ing this child.

  • cranlsn

    I know my wife doesn’t go on the inter­net, much less read your blog, but I had to do a dou­ble take at the end of David C.‘s per­for­mance when she just said “What a douche!” as he held up his hand.
    Carly had the water aer­o­bics bounce going for her…and not much else.
    It finally hit me this week who Archuletta reminds me of…Slingblade. All he needs is some ‘taters.

  • Kim

    You know the AI Sling Blade is now and for­ever shall be Chris “Nasally is a form of singing” Richardson.
    I’m deeply sad­dened that Chris decided to post his thoughts on his board, so we are deprived of his tremen­dous fan­tasy book­ing for our ousted con­tes­tants. (OK OK, it’s here.)
    Sparkly boobs are key to suc­cess. I have learned lit­tle from this sea­son other than that Kristy L.C. has proven her­self to be some kind of evil genius.
    I don’t know if Carly would be up for a beat­ing so much as yet another oppor­tu­nity to cry and won­der why you don’t like her.
    Fly high and proud, Jane. Fly hii­i­i­i­igh and proud.