idol

One, two, three, teamwork!

I’m gonna make this as quick as I can.

Opening num­ber: the HELL?! I think that should be the title of this show: “American Idol: The Hell.”

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Poor Jason can’t lip-​sync. He’s too REAL for this Hollywood bull­shit. I enjoy the forced-​at-​gunpoint “ooh so sexy” look on the dancer’s face when she has to touch Smugly. Mama-​say mama-​sa ma-​ma-​WTF? Pirouettes! STREET DANCING! Asians! Street danc­ing Asians! I want Marilyn McCoo to come out and sing the “Solid Gold” theme song RIGHT NOW. This flounc­ery is brought to you by ExxonMobil! There is some dude two seats down from Paula who looks angry and mor­ti­fied by all of this. I’m with him.

KYLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She and Marg Helgenberger may be turn­ing into the same per­son. This wor­ries me. I mean, I love Marg and I love Kylie but never the twain shall meet, you know?

Service is fun, cool and reward­ing. It also turns you into a creepy, scary Lady Skeletor. Let’s wel­come Maria Shriver! Wow, her voice is just NOT pleas­ant. When she talks about young peo­ple fuel­ing their souls through ser­vice I instead believe she is talk­ing about fuel­ing her rean­i­mated corpse with the souls of young peo­ple. This show SCARES ME.

Ben Stiller has inspired me to ser­vice the FFWD button.

Is this Jennifer Connelly in some kind of late Dark Water tie-​in? Ryan con­firms my sus­pi­cions, if only about the iden­tity of the per­son involved. WTF is going on with this show. I feel like I’m tak­ing crazy pills. Speaking of which, let’s wel­come Snoop Dogg!

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Snoop is for the chil­dren. It’s so hard to say good­bye, but hip-hop’s love for “The Way It Is” will never die. If any­thing would inspire me to GIVE NOW it would be the inspi­ra­tional, softer side of Snoop. Who doesn’t love that?! I mean, his sweat­shirt says it all:

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YES.

Kobe, WTF is on your face. Try and look pre­sentable for this show, man, you’re not above clean­ing up for this. Douche.

Hahaha Triple H haha­ha­ha­ha­ha­haha. He’s got two words for ya. Chris: “Please help.” Triple H: “Please give.” Oh man, so close, so predictable.

Hunger! Obesity! What? My head is spin­ning. Don’t let Paula touch your kids!!! Gang activ­ity is dan­ger­ous for chil­dren, appar­ently. Thanks, Randy. Why do I feel bad see­ing dis­ad­van­taged youth hav­ing tem­po­rary access to com­fort­able rides in a lux­ury vehicle?

wtf_idol_the_hell_2.jpgDesperate Housewives” is so hot right now. Yeah. Uh. Teri Hatcher singing. WTF. I feel like polit­i­cal come­dian Nicholas Fehn: “Noooo! Just … noooo! What—WHO ASKED?!” Look, she’s backed up by shitty char­ac­ter actors and “real­ity” “stars” singing and play­ing instru­ments! When Teri Hatcher dwarfs your star power, you need to rethink your career. I have a vendetta against the guy play­ing drums that goes back to “Felicity.”

Carrie Underwood: “That was a lot of fun!” You know what’s not fun? The rea­son we’re doing this show!

Who is this scream­ing lady? Am I sup­posed to know who that is? It’s a sad state of affairs when I rec­og­nize Simon Fuller but not you. Chris invokes the rule that if we don’t rec­og­nize some­one, they’re from “So You Think You Can Dance.” He’s very wise.

I don’t care about either Billy Crystal or Miley Cyrus. Are her teeth fake? I’m glad I have never really had occa­sion to pay atten­tion to her, other than to see she has a really, really bad case of MySpace Face. Let’s stop the mad­ness, people.

Wow, this gen­er­a­tion gap is some­thing else, isn’t it?

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It so inspires hilar­ity to ensue! In my day, we had MoonPies, not actual PIES made out of the MOON and fly­ing cars and MP3s on the Interweb! I can’t take the dichotomy! I do love that Billy Crystal says “Monsters Incorporated,” how­ever, and appar­ently not as a joke. I’d pledge money to put a stop to this seg­ment. Make a pledge tonight, save a life tomor­row. I mean tonight. Or tomor­row, when I believe this show may finally be over.

Did you know that singing on American Idol is the one thing Miley Cyrus hasn’t had a chance to do yet? The one thing in the whole world? Apparently, because she just said it. Did you know one dol­lar can save a life? It must be true, because she just said it!!!

chikezie_lifelinks.jpgChris now regrets not watch­ing sooner to have a chance to call in and talk to Chikezie. DAVID H. SIGHTING!!!! I bet his pledge calls are sexy.

I’m like “Is that Simon Pegg?!” but it’s Bono. Wow. I need to get some sleep. He and David C. should have a pompous-​off. For char­ity!
RYAN GOSLING ALERT!!!!!!!!!!! If only on a com­mer­cial. Oh well.

Speaking of the incom­pre­hen­si­ble expanse of human tragedy, let’s wel­come Fergie with John Legend!

methface_fergie.jpg(It is an unfor­tu­nate reflec­tion on our soci­ety when Fergie can out-​sing every­one left on this show, inci­den­tally.)
Heart! Please God don’t let Fergie come out and do “Barracuda” with them. Please Lordamighty have mercy. I had to sit through that crap wait­ing for the fire­works dis­play at the State Fair. Funny how that’s inevitably my con­duit to Today’s Popular Music year in and year out. Oh no, there she is. Oh no, just … oh no. Does she even know the lyrics to this song? Ann Wilson has no time for her clown­ing. Crawling on the floor? Gymnastics? Oh come ON now. Is she back on the meth? Is Michael enabling her?

Oh thank you for sav­ing me, John Cena. You glad­den my heart with your very pre-​taped presence.

Let’s visit our Idol pledge call tak­ers! I swear I want a giant poster of Jason on the phone. He’s straight out of a LiveLinks ad.

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Tremendous. I live. Speaking of which: Eli and Peyton Manning, you are the real heroes.

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Now let’s all take a walk down mem­ory lane with Hurricane Katrina and Coldplay. What a tremen­dous time that was! So many mem­o­ries. Let’s share them with one another! I too want to have a group ther­apy ses­sion with the Manning broth­ers, I swear to God. It looks like the most fan­tas­tic expe­ri­ence ever. Hahahaha, oh no, Peyton Manning say­ing “One, two, three, team­work” means some­thing else entirely to so many. Something MAGICAL.

I seri­ously don’t think this show is capa­ble of top­ping the one-​two punch of LiveLinks Jason and Los Bros Manning. I should just end here.

Chris is dis­ap­pointed the chy­ron is cov­er­ing up Posh’s rack. Annie Lennox is lovely. Celine Dion is … some­thing else. Take that how­ever you wish. I love the affected way she says “affected.”

The Simon Cowell Roast hosted by Jimmy Kimmel? No. Tight shirts, nip­ples, hair­cut, the Grinch, unbut­toned shirts, check. What bet­ter way to intro­duce this video pack­age to show how con­cerned Simon is for the plight of the dis­ad­van­taged than by say­ing he’s an ass­hole?! This show is on CRACK. Sweet car­ing Simon is for­ever a won­der to behold, though.

Let’s go back to that Carrie Underwood well, peo­ple! It’s all we got! She’s turn­ing into Jenny McCarthy. It’s dis­turb­ing. This is a good way to burn through 15 min­utes of show. Oh wait, this isn’t 15 min­utes long? Really?

Sheila E.! Chris is once again inter­ested in this show! Please, no more wacky dancers. Retarded cheesi­ness is too high a price to pay for cross-​promotion.

Please let’s not wel­come Sarah Silverman. ELLIOTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was so fast Chris had to point and rewind as I was too busy ignor­ing the TV. It’s like there’s some kind of con­spir­acy against me.

The British Prime Minister looks like Dan Rather.

Reese Witherspoon, what­ever. ELLIOTT!!!!!!!!!!!! Once again, they show him when I’m ignor­ing the TV. This is truly an evil plot, how dare they.

Now let’s enjoy eight peo­ple who do not sound at all good singing with one another, per­form­ing that piece of crap from Rent that every­one is sick of!

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How do you mea­sure the degree to which I am irri­tated? Seriously, are my ears bro­ken or is this hor­ri­ble? Hahaha, Jason SMOKED that solo! I need to find enjoy­ment where I can, I’m sorry.
They’ve put every unfunny come­dian on the planet on this show, right?

miley_please_just_no.jpgMore Miley Cyrus and wacky dancers? Really? Someone did this song at karaōke the other night and it was hilar­i­ous. And fright­en­ing. Wow, is she ever spas­tic. Please, you are 15, I don’t need to see you rub your crotch on the cam­era. “And I’m ready to rape”? Don’t tell me I’m the only one who heard her sing that. She has the most snotty-​ass way of speak­ing that seri­ously makes me want to smack her in the face. Oh boy, let’s go to Kentucky with Cyrus pere et fille! I’m done with this. FFWD.

I didn’t think there was any­thing more hor­rif­i­cally unfunny than Robin Williams in this day and age, but Robin Williams as Yakov Smirnoff would appear to be it.

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In the immor­tal words of Fresh: Would you smash?

Brad Pitt comes out on stage in order to intro­duce a pre­taped seg­ment of Daughtry lip-​syncing in Uganda. My head just exploded.

It looked like DWI. It WASN’T! The dri­ver tells us her fright­en­ing story. All this and Weather First TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

When you say it’s Idol’s best sea­son yet, I don’t believe you! We have irrefutable proof. Now let’s wel­come Mariah Carey to this oppor­tu­nity to pro­mote her new album!

And then the DVR is done, so if there was a mag­i­cal cameo from Danny Noriega (as Getty Images leads me to believe) I totally missed it.

So, let’s recap. The high point of this show:

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Oh wait, that didn’t actu­ally hap­pen, as this show was hell-​bent on DEPRIVING me of Elliott and his emo­tional emo­tions about emo­tional things. But this happened:

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I approve! And the hii­i­i­igh point of this show?

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Relive the magic and cher­ish it for­ever. THIS is American Idol!

4 comments to One, two, three, teamwork!

  • jane

    OK, so I had to watch this on FFWD at like 11:30 because the play­offs are much more impor­tant. As Simon says, “Sorry!” I should have just read your high­lights because you are right right right, and also see through the eyes of my soul, as always.
    PS Jason Castro makes me smile. These are scary times.
    PPS Miley Cyrus is exceed­ingly whorey. It’s like I keep say­ing, and her “this is the only thing I haven’t done yet” line only cosigned that a mil­lion times. That and out­fits, danc­ing and rape threats.
    PPPS The weird Teri Hatcher thing was OK for me because I real­ized it was instead of that weird “I Will Survive” fiasco from last year. This was a righter kind of weird.
    PPPPS What I learned from this show is that Simon con­tin­ues to be a delight, mostly every­one else is a huge jerk and George Michael can­not be touched. I don’t think I even real­ized “Praying for Time” was genius until Carrie Underwood tried to sing it.

  • pieman

    God bless you for watch­ing all this crap­tas­tic­ness.
    I saw about 15 spo­radic min­utes, but I seemed to catch the “high” points.
    I saw Teri Hatcher allegedly singing.
    I saw the very uncom­fort­able seg­ment with Miley and Billy. Who green-​lighted that?
    I saw Jason try­ing to give the phone to Ryan while he was still intro­duc­ing the next video pack­age.
    I did see all of Annie Lennox; she really is an awe­some singer. No jok­ing.
    And the scream­ing lady? What the hell was that?
    I watched Ghost Hunters on Sci-​Fi. I love Jason and Grant.

  • tarnish

    You are a trouper, even if you did have access to the mag­i­cal FFWD.
    I tried to watch this, really I did. But the play­offs started and every time I switched over dur­ing a com­mer­cial it was instant “GAH! Make it STOP!@@#!“
    I would have liked to see Annie Lennox, though. I sup­pose that’s what YouTube is for.

  • Kim

    We made the play­offs a pri­or­ity as well. Actually I made a long nap a pri­or­ity over all oth­ers, but that’s just get­ting tech­ni­cal.
    Jason flag­ging down Ryan with his phone while Ryan was try­ing to be deathly seri­ous about intro­duc­ing the next deathly seri­ous video pack­age was remark­able to behold. Why on earth they’d choose to throw him in the mid­dle of the Goof Troop to do that is beyond me.
    Our affec­tion for Jason Castro is a true sign we are wit­ness­ing the End of Days.
    I had blanked “I Will Survive” out of my mind for­ever. Whew. This was indeed an improve­ment. They are learn­ing.
    Here’s my holy shit moment of a life­time for this show: I didn’t even notice Carrie Underwood was singing “Praying for Time” until you told me. I was THAT detached. I swear I didn’t know. P.S. I fear this may be fore­shad­ow­ing of a George Michael night, though Jason singing “Faith” may make this entire enter­prise worthwhile.