Won’t you please help?

Three nights in a row of this show makes me feel like I’ve been at a Sunday school lock-​in. I’ve spent waaay too much time with these peo­ple and I’m not look­ing for­ward to see­ing them in class next week. Even yet still more guests and sur­prises in store tonight! Mandisa (just sit­ting there)! THIS is American Idol!

Let’s relive all those hor­ri­ble “comedic” moments from last night’s broad­cast, includ­ing Miley Cyrus try­ing to talk through her giant fake teeth. $60M! That makes the pain of unfunny peo­ple worth­while. I think.

Well open the eyes of my heart, Up With People brings us “Shout to the Lord.” WTF. I fear I flipped the Songs of Worship switch by bring­ing up “I Could Sing of Your Love Forever” the other day, I’m sorry. This is BIZARRE. Brooke really loves sin­gin’ to Jesus! Have we ever seen her so happy? David C. and Carly take shout­ing to the Lord quite lit­er­ally. Dial it back, dial it down, do it for Jesus.

Sadly they do indeed revive last year’s lip-​sync video hor­ror as some of our favorite B– and C-​list stars dance around to “I’m a Believer.” Ugh. Kobe Bryant, the Laker With the Thing on His Face! Soooo many peo­ple we didn’t see last night. Ricki Lake! Ginger and Baby, my two favorite Spices! Rosalyn Sanchez! Dr. Phil! Someone who looks like Johnette Napolitano! The Closer! THE SHIELD! Eddie Izzard really deserves to be doing some­thing bet­ter than this. I wish you could see the look on Chris’ face right now.

Sad Forest Whitaker makes me sad!

ai07_jordin.jpgAnd now, let’s wel­come Chris Brown and Jordin Sparks. Ryan did announce her sec­ond, didn’t he? Just check­ing. Chris is SO EXCITED to see Chris Brown. “Look at that fade! No won­der the ladies love him!” This whole pre-​recorded effects vocal thing is giv­ing me a headache. Chris: “Either he’s really tiny, or she’s really huge—or both.” Oh what elec­tric drama do these two gen­er­ate between each other. ACTING! Now let’s bring out her two (TWO!) plat­inum sin­gles awards psst and gold album award psst and remind our­selves that she’s not exactly the least suc­cess­ful Idol cham­pion ever! Ohhh doesn’t that make us all feel good.

Tonight’s Ford Music Video just wants to cel­e­brate another day of liv­ing, another day of life, another week squeak­ing by on this show. Chris is dis­ap­pointed they are throw­ing paint into the L.A. River. “That’s not green!”

Ahhhh they finally get around to call­ing all the safe ones first and leav­ing the bot­tom three behind. I love that move. And our bot­tom three are:


Duh, duh, duh. Who will have the low­est num­ber of votes? Carly help­fully offers up her hand. Way to win ‘em over, lady!

Bono is a fan of America! Barack Obama believes deeply in what American Idol is all about. Tremendous.

Syesha and Carly are safe! Which meeeeeans … Michael has “the low­est num­ber of votes.” Hmm, the caveat word­ing. Please don’t dick us over on a night when I would be per­fectly glee­ful for any or all of the bot­tom three to get canned.

Ryan: “Last year, dur­ing Idol Gives Back, we didn’t elim­i­nate any­body at this stage of the com­pe­ti­tion. Tonight—”

[dra­matic pause]

—we’re gonna say good­bye to Michael Johns.”

Dun-​dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnn!

ai08_michaelj.jpgWow, cruel. Cruel! CRUEL!!! Even for this show, that is nasty. And dur­ing Idol Gives Back week even! AI ain’t comin’ on soft, y’all. The audi­ence is FREAKED OUT. Paula is inca­pable of shut­ting her mouth. Chris: “Wow, he musta pissed some­one off.”

Sing us out, ascot man, let the good Lord take you away. Luke sight­ing! Carly can’t stop cry­ing over her­self. Meanwhile, Jason is just smil­ing and singing along.


Our hero!

4 comments to Won’t you please help?

  • pieman

    Yer damn right he pissed some­one off, Chris. ME! ME! Whatever will we do with­out MethMan?? That truly was a nasty move by Seacrest and the pro­duc­ers. I called nobody going home over on The W, but I am totally okay with this outcome.

  • jane

    I am kind of bummed, espe­cially with the poten­tial depar­ture of Carly hang­ing in front of me so allur­ingly. Admittedly, I have been known to have a strange attrac­tion to MethMen in gen­eral. And MethMan also reminded me a teeny bit of Jagr. Now I feel like I lost a friend. And so cru­elly!
    Anyway, my real point is: Did any­one see Jason turn­ing toward the cam­era and lip-​syncing also to Ryan Seacrest say­ing “THIS is American Idol”?! Man, I love that kid.

  • Tammy

    I was a long week. We (almost) felt guilty when we started fast for­ward­ing through the starv­ing chil­dren… espe­cially when some­one said, “fast for­ward these poor peo­ple UNTIL YOU SEE THE FORD COMMERCIAL.” I mean really, isn’t there some­thing wrong with that state­ment?
    Our friends who had Johns as their horse were totally crushed. I’m happy though because Castro seems to make a great default-​horse for those who need some­one new to cheer for. My BF con­verted to Castro once Chikezie was gone, I see my other friends doing the same. I think Castro can go all the way, espe­cially if you keep per­pet­u­at­ing that “Live Links” picture.

  • Kim

    I don’t know if there was as much wrong with that state­ment as there was with the fact it made me laugh. TERRIBLE! What this show does to peo­ple.
    I thought maybe I saw JC lip-​sync Our Key Phrase but then I fig­ured I imag­ined it like a won­der­ful dream. Last week was all such a blur from too much gaz­ing into the dark nights of all our souls, or some­thing.
    It’s sad they made me feel for MethMan sim­ply by virtue of the dick move they per­pe­trated on him. I’ve been manip­u­lated! Or dare I say, MethManipulated.
    Jagr! Holy shit! It’s like if he and Stuart Adamson had a baby. Or maybe Jagr is like if MethMan and Stuart Adamson had a baby. Intriguing!
    I live for that LiveLinks pic­ture. It’s sad they couldn’t get him more in focus, but for real it’s not like dude is much in focus to begin with.