What a sur­prise to hear you lot booing!

THIS dra­matic pause is American Idol!

Ryan informs us that if last week taught us any­thing, it is that it’s impor­tant we vote for our favorite con­tes­tants. And that reflects last week’s results how?

This video pack­age basi­cally makes Mariah Carey look like the slut­ti­est per­son alive. Touch her body! Chris is scan­dal­ized and out­raged by this from start to fin­ish. He accuses her of bit­ing Giorgio, which I would be very impressed by if she was actu­ally aware of doing it. Oh, I’m sure she wants to “see every one of [the con­tes­tants] at the top of the charts.” Suuure.

ai08_davida.jpgDavid A. and Mariah “hug­ging” is one of the most awk­ward things I have ever seen. He seems sur­prised to admit her advice was “help­ful.” He’s going to be real and authen­tic! Are those leather pants? Hold me, I’m fright­ened. He was mov­ing moun­tains long before he knew he could! Who knows what mir­a­cles he could achieve if he believes? This seems like such a show-​closer, so why would they put this first? That falsetto kind of sucked. Quit look­ing at me! This was cer­tainly bet­ter for him than, like, almost every other thing he’s done. Randy says he can sing any­thing, that was the bomb, baby! Paula thinks it must be great for Mariah to hear his inter­pre­ta­tion. I don’t know if Mariah would appre­ci­ate Paula speak­ing for her. Simon: “I don’t think we’re in for a lot of laughs.” Simon is so wise about all things. He is a treasure.

ai08_carlys.jpgCarly looks like she’s wear­ing felt Miss Piggy pup­pet cleav­age over her chest. Seriously, look at that! It’s mor­ti­fy­ing. Mariah has been lov­ing what she doing. Mariah must have been off smok­ing that reefer with JC. Speaking of which, OH JESUS. How is “Without You” a Mariah Carey song? This never fails to piss me off. EVERY TIME. This is like “All By Myself” being a Celine Dion song times infin­ity.* WTF is she doing with the melody? I’m going to refrain from any com­ment here other than to say that Chris keeps going “pffft” and “thbbbt” through this whole thing. Look, there’s Harry, the Guy With the Snake on his Face! He’s back! Randy is like, what­ever. Paula says she’s choos­ing dif­fer­ent parts and mak­ing it her own. Simon thinks she didn’t pull it off. Bad Idea Jeans.

ai08_syesham.jpgRyan say­ing “favorite con­tes­tants” right before intro­duc­ing this one inspired both Chris and I to declare “She is not my favorite con­tes­tant.” She brings out the best of hat­ing in all of us. I mean OMG she is great!!! Nice glit­ter. She’s van­ish­ing! She’s drift­ing away! I wish. I mean oh no, I hope this does not turn out to be an ironic song choice!!! I pray Mariah delib­er­ately gives her bad advice. I mean just the oppo­site of what I just said. Screaming. Screaming! Chris: “Stop look­ing at me!” That one dude in her “fam­ily and friends” reminds me of that Tool video. Calm down, sir. That was har­row­ing. Randy said she “did good all things con­sid­ered.” Ha. Paula points out her canny tac­tic of select­ing a deep cut. Unbelievably mag­i­cal! Simon is all like ehh.

Brooke and Kristy want your sooooooouls! Have I ever had an OMG moment? I don’t know! But I do know I don’t want a “pri­vate con­cert” with you, Ashley Tisdale. Whore.

ai08_brookew.jpgWow, if you’re sad about miss­ing your sister’s wed­ding, maybe your pri­or­i­ties are wack. Ryan should know bet­ter than to engage Brooke in con­ver­sa­tion about her­self. Chris: “When they texted her from the wed­ding, they said shu­u­u­uut uuu­uup!” Oh wow, she’s sit­ting. Through her men­tor video. I think she must have a con­di­tion. More than one con­di­tion. Prop piano! She’s tak­ing sparkle lessons from Kristy. This is OK, I guess. I never liked this song and I have low expec­ta­tions. Chris: “Now if we could just get her to stop shak­ing like she needs crack … ” Randy is like check it out, you brought the whole singer-​songwriter thing to it, the bridge threw me a lit­tle bit, vocally, you know. STOP AGREEING YOU MESSED UP WHEN SOMEONE POINTS IT OUT TO YOU. Golldang. Paula says every ounce of her is authen­tic to who she is! Simon says she’s a ham­burger with­out the bit in the mid­dle. Randy and Paula say the meat was in the bun. Randy sug­gests it was miss­ing condi­ments. My head just exploded. Chris: “I’m hungry.”

ai08_kristylc.jpgMariah is feel­ing Kristy very dra­mat­i­cally in the men­tor video. Wow. Wow. Kristy gave her chills! I won­der what that means? Forever, you will always be the only one! I think Kristy just kind of com­pletely kicked Carly’s ass from start to fin­ish with this, call me crazy. I’m in bizarro world. Randy didn’t think it was amaz­ing but she def­i­nitely started step­pin’ up! Paula sees through to Kristy’s evil genius, then she pro­ceeds to bab­ble on about noth­ing. Simon is cranky. Ryan and Kristy make like they’re pos­ing for prom pic­tures. I want a pic­ture of that in a heart-​shaped frame.

ai08_davidc.jpgDavid C. will NOT give up his gui­tar to hug Mariah. “Always Be My Baby”? Is this a joke? Mariah says his “take” makes her feel good as a song­writer, as it means her songs can with­stand … uh, I guess just about any kind of hor­ri­ble treat­ment and tor­ture. I mean BEING TAKEN TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF AWESOME. I didn’t know Chris Daughtry was back on this show! Oh wait. Prop string musi­cians! The cam­era wisely pans away when he hits the high note. Oops, then it comes back. Ouch. Quit look­ing at me! Oof, that ended badly. I mean WOW I JUST GOT IMPREGNATED BY GENIUS. Randy is like yeah. Paula is like “that could be in a movie sound­track.” Does that mean it’s … what does that mean? Really?! Simon pretty much wants to have sex with every­thing about this. Oh Simon, you lost me. I mean YES WE AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY. David C. is pro­foundly moved by this praise! Ugh. He does the “I grate­fully bow to you o wise one” move. What a dick. I mean I LOVE IT. Now’s the time for croc­o­dile tears!

Chris and I attempt to guess what Jason will per­form. Chris picks “Vision of Love.” I pick “Dreamlover” or “Fantasy” or “Emotions” or “Boy (I Need You).” I have big, great, great big ideas.

ai08_jasonc.jpgOK, moment of truth. Jason don’t want to cry! Oh my good­ness. He’s so sen­si­tive. I seri­ously want to see every minute of the Mariah-​Jason men­tor video, holy shit. Chris points out how he keeps mak­ing faces as if to say “Who is this lady?” Prop musi­cians! It’s got that Latin flava! Chris accuses him of “try­ing to IZ-​ify it.” Oh how jaded he is. Actual con­ver­sa­tion between actual people:

Chris: “Why’s he sit­ting down?“
Me: “He’s too sen­si­tive to stand.“
Chris: “He’s bur­dened with emo­tion?“
Me: “Exactly.”

Boo, Randy didn’t love it! Hahahaha, Jason just cracks up in response. That’s the spirit. Paula would love to be at Jason’s luau! Simon would too! So would we all! Randy’s not invited!

Hahaha, I love how they pick the absolute worst part of Syesha’s per­for­mance for the recap. I mean HOW HORRIBLE OF THEM, SHE IS A DYNAMIC TALENT, SHE AND DAVID C. ARE #1 FOREVER I WANT THEM TO HAVE BABIES WHO WILL BE THE MOST TALENTED SUPERHUMANS IN HISTORY. So there.

*Even though as far as “diva cov­ers” go, I’ve always main­tained (how­ever begrudg­ingly) that Mariah’s ver­sion of “Without You” is tolerable.

7 comments to What a sur­prise to hear you lot booing!

  • h

    hey i am pretty sure mariah would appre­ci­ate paula speak­ing for her. why wouldnt she? paulas track record is amaz­ing, bet­ter than simons and randys actu­ally. and mari­ahs only suc­cess is singing, due to her unique voice, whereas paula has had suc­cess in many dif­fer­ent areas. paula may ram­ble at times on the show, but she knows what shes talk­ing about

  • pieman

    We had a Little League coaches’ meet­ing last night. I coach my eight-​year old daughter’s soft­ball team, which really means that I need to have enough gum for all 17 kids each night and enough soft­balls for them to bonk each other on head with. Why do I say this? Because I missed the Creepy Little Bastard and didn’t get home until part way through Carly’s scream­ing fit. Oh, that was a song?
    I am not very hip to the Mariah Carey song­book, what with being old and always lis­ten­ing to XM44 (the History of New Wave, etc.), so most of these songs I’d never heard before.
    I thought Carly try­ing to bring the cleav­age cov­er­ing the arm tat­too was a wise move. Singing wasn’t such a wise move.
    Syesha ROCKED! I hope I don’t jinx her and she gets booted off tonight! Wooooo!
    I am glad I wasn’t the only one who noticed how much Brooke shakes when they show her close-​up to the mike.
    I am totally enjoy­ing Jason Castro. He seems to get that this is sup­posed to be fun and enter­tain­ing and whether he’s always enter­tain­ing is up for debate, but he’s always smil­ing, dude.
    I pick Syesha, Carly and Brooke for the bot­tom three with Syesha leav­ing us. Yup.

  • You know who ELSE knows what they’re talk­ing about? h. You go, h! Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow!!

  • tarnish

    pie­man, you fiend, you some­how knew the fright­en­ing lit­tle gnome would be up first, dintcha?! I’m actu­ally start­ing to feel bad for the kid; I’m not sure I’ve ever seen any­one look so uncom­fort­able in his own skin; he couldn’t pos­si­bly carry his shoul­ders any more for­ward unless he was actu­ally a rodent. He got up. He sang (debat­able). He looked into the crowd and his Dad wasn’t frown­ing. He started breath­ing again.
    As much as I agree that as far as unnec­es­sary cov­ers go, Mariah’s “Without You” is tol­er­a­ble, Carly’s cover of Mariah’s cover was some­where in the vicin­ity of “soul-​destroying”. But then you remind me of Harry’s Discount Sex Shop and all is right with the world again.
    Syesha mirac­u­lously again found a way to be com­pletely unre­mark­able. Again.
    Brooke wasn’t doing too badly until she decided she wasn’t. And then the song couldn’t be over quickly enough for her or any­one else. Her piano and her voice couldn’t stop leapfrog­ging eachother try­ing to get to the end of the song. She’s my pick to go home this week, actu­ally.
    Kristy Lee had her best week of the com­pe­ti­tion. I sus­pect Mariah mis­took “goose­bumps” for “hives”, but who’s count­ing?
    David Cook is now offi­cially able to take any song, absolutely any song in the world, and make it sound like the worst douchebag rock of the past 15 years. David Cook doesn’t need idol: Creed and Nickelback will be beat­ing this guy’s door down any day now.
    Inexplicably, Jason con­tin­ues to enter­tain me, although I sus­pect if he were to put an album out under the aegis of the AI brand, it would be even more scrotum-​shrinking than a Dave Matthews/​John Meyer/​Jack Johnson triple-​bill.

  • I can’t believe you totally blew over Ramiele’s lit­tle futsy moment in the crowd with Ryan and his stolen hat. That’s not representing!

  • jane

    I didn’t even see Ramiele, but I swear Carly’s hus­band got more face tat­toos.
    Jason has started send­ing me secret mes­sages through my TV. Those mes­sages? GO CARLY! AND SYESHA!

  • Kim

    OMG RAMIELE. I totally saw her and totally for­got to take note of it. I guess I was just so gid­died by her pres­ence, and also that I could not under­stand what in the world was going on.
    OMG JANE. You know I was totally think­ing the exact same thing you were think­ing dur­ing “The Mellow Show.” I was wait­ing. WAITING. And bit­terly dis­ap­pointed.
    I think Kristy was doomed by Mariah’s goose­bumps.
    Carly’s “Without You” would have made Pete Ham and Tom Evans kill them­selves all over again. I mean OH WOW IT WAS SO GREAT, I ENVY HER TALENT AND THE POTENTIAL TO WHICH SIMON SPEAKS SO HIGHLY
    I’m so wor­ried for Syesha!!! She is the best!!! You go girl!! etc etc etc etc etc